Hidden Wars of Post-Separation Abuse
When we think about abusive relationships, we often imagine loud arguments or physical fights while the couple is still together. However, the reality is that abuse can continue even after a breakup.
For many, ending a relationship doesn't mean the suffering is over; it can be the beginning of a different kind of abuse known as post-separation abuse.
Unfortunately, domestic abuse rarely ends when you leave the relationship; often it can intensify as the abuser seeks new ways to exert control and inflict harm. This blog explores this topic, its impact on you, and how you can manage the situation with self-compassion, awareness, and seeking support.
Table of Contents
Understanding Post-Separation Abuse
Post-separation abuse occurs when one partner continues to attempt to control and hurt the other partner after their relationship has ended. This generally arises when one person's goal is to dominate the other even post-breakup.
Abuse is fundamentally about power and control.
When an abuser is unable to inflict physical harm on their partner (for instance, due to a restraining order), they frequently turn to alternative tactics, for example:
Leveraging shared obligations such as children or finances
Using psychological manipulations
Finding new ways to remain in contact and exert control
The abuser may feel threatened if their control is questioned,, so they may escalate their behaviour. This period is particularly dangerous for anyone trying to leave the relationship, which is why it's so important to understand what post-separation abuse looks like.
Post-separation abuse affects the children as well.
What Does Post-Separation Abuse Look Like?
Post-separation abuse can take many forms, often shaped by the dynamics of the past relationship and the vulnerabilities the abuser knows and is able to exploit.
Coercive Control
Coercive control refers to a series of manipulative and emotionally abusive behaviours aimed at creating fear, dependency, or a sense of powerlessness in the victim. Even after a separation, an abuser may attempt to:
Keep track of the victim via social media, mutual friends, or direct observation
Send frequent messages, and emails, or make phone calls to harass or intimidate
Spread lies or rumours to tarnish the victim's reputation
Undermine relationships with friends, family, or coworkers
Legal and Financial Abuse
Often referred to as "legal abuse," this occurs when the court system is misused to extend the victim's suffering:
Submitting baseless lawsuits or making false allegations
Continuously putting the victim through legal processes
Failing to pay child support
Manipulating joint financial assets
Contesting custody agreements to maintain control
Using children as tools in legal battles
Parental Alienation and Counter-Parenting
This form of abuse is especially harmful for those co-parenting with an abusive ex:
Turning children against the other parent
Influencing children's views to create animosity towards the other parent
Wrongfully claiming that the other parent is harmful or neglectful
Deliberately undermining the other parent's parenting by:
Disregarding agreed-upon rules about bedtimes, meals, or discipline
Speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the children or directly to the children
Encouraging children to ignore or disrespect the other parent
Withholding visitation
Organising activities that conflict with the other parent's scheduled time
Counter-parenting isn't just toxic for co-parenting; it takes a significant toll on children's emotional and mental health.
Emotional Abuse and Gaslighting
Emotional manipulation often continues even after separation:
Sending mixed messages, alternating between affection and anger
Maintaining the victim's emotional instability with erratic actions
Blaming the victim for the end of the relationship
Suggesting that the victim is the real abuser
Distorting reality and creating self-doubt
Stalking and Intimidation
These dangerous behaviours are intended to maintain control over the victim through fear:
Monitoring the victim's activities
Overwhelming the victim with messages
Turning up unannounced at the victim's workplace or home
Keeping the victim in a constant state of fear and anxiety
Making it difficult for the victim to move on with their life
Sexual Abuse After Separation
This is a serious issue which often involves manipulation, threats, and coercion:
Sending inappropriate messages
Demanding sexual favours in return for financial help
Threatening to stop child support or other financial help
Threatening to distribute explicit images (“revenge porn”)
These tactics not only rob victims of their independence but also put them in difficult financial positions, making it harder to break free from the abuser's control.
Why Do Abusers Engage in Post-Separation Abuse?
To understand post-separation abuse, it’s essential to recognise that it’s fundamentally about control. In abusive dynamics, the perpetrator often sees their partner not as a separate individual, but as an extension of themselves, someone they can dominate, manage, or punish for trying to assert independence.
Reasons Often Include:
Loss of Control
Once the relationship ends, the abuser loses control over the victim's everyday life, prompting them to escalate their behaviour.Desire for Revenge
Some abusers want to "punish" their ex for leaving them, feeling wronged even if the relationship was toxic.Self-Image and Ego
For many abusers, upholding a particular public persona is vital. Separation can hurt their ego, causing them to retaliate to reclaim power and superiority.Access to Children
Abusers might use children as leverage to maintain a connection with their ex, dragging out custody battles or manipulating children's emotions.
The Emotional Impact of Post-Separation Abuse
The Emotional Impact of Post-Separation Abuse
The aftermath of post-separation abuse can be extremely traumatic. Even after the relationship has ended, survivors often feel trapped by their abuser's toxic presence.
Common Emotional Responses:
Anxiety and Hypervigilance
Constant harassment or stalking makes it hard to feel safe. Victims remain on guard, worrying about what might happen next.Return to the Abuser
Some victims decide to go back to their abusers, believing it will be safer than facing ongoing harassment, especially when there are threats to children or family members.Shame and Self-Blame
Victims may internalise the abuse, believing they are accountable for continuing issues or responsible for their abuser's wrath.Social Withdrawal
The abuser may attempt to isolate the victim, or the victim might distance themselves out of fear of inconveniencing others.Despair and Emotional Fatigue
The relentless nature of post-separation abuse can leave victims feeling spent and hopeless, struggling to see a way out.
Safeguarding Your Well-Being
If you or someone you know is experiencing post-separation abuse, it's vital to understand that help is available, and there are ways to protect yourself from further harm.
Create a Safety Plan
Change your phone number
Restrict your social media presence
Inform close friends, family, or neighbours about your situation
Consider applying for a restraining order if their behaviour escalates
Document Everything
Keep records of any harassment, threats, or abusive conduct
Preserve texts, emails, or social media interactions
Document incidents of stalking or intimidation
This evidence can be indispensable for legal action
Seek Legal Protection
Consider restraining orders (IVO)
Establish clear child custody agreements
Secure fair financial settlements
Consult with a lawyer specialising in family violence
Build a Support Network
Reach out to a therapist or support group
Contact local and national family violence hotlines
Create a stable environment for any children involved
Keep communication open to lessen the effects of the situation
Remember: You are not alone in this journey.
Healing and Moving Forward
Working through the aftermath of post-separation abuse takes time and courage. The abuse was never your fault. It takes immense strength to leave an abusive relationship and now that you are starting a new chapter, the healing process can begin.
Reclaim Your Story
You are not merely surviving; you are rebuilding your life. Writing down your thoughts can help clarify complex emotions and allow you to monitor your progress. Engaging in creative activities like art, music, or dance can provide powerful means to express feelings that are hard to articulate.
Whether you share your story with a trusted friend or a support group, or simply write it for yourself, you're taking back ownership of your story. Each new insight and every step forward represents your victory.
Rebuild Your Support Network
You don’t have to face this alone. Reconnect with those who care about you. Reach out to old friends who brought joy to your life or made you feel valued. If it feels safe, share your experiences with supportive family members.
Think about joining a domestic violence support group, a space where others can relate to your situation without needing explanations. Being believed and supported can be incredibly healing.
Set and Maintain Boundaries
Protecting your peace is part of your healing. This may involve limiting contact with your ex-partner to only what is necessary, especially if children are involved. Co-parenting apps can help maintain clear, professional, and documented communication.
If the abuse continues, you might want to explore options like a restraining order or other protective measures. As you move forward, allow yourself to say no to situations, people, or demands that drain your energy.
Rediscover Yourself
This is an opportunity to find out who you are, not in relation to anyone else, but as you. Try new activities or revisit hobbies you once enjoyed, such as painting, hiking, singing, cooking, or reading. Set small, attainable goals, and with each goal you achieve, your confidence will grow.
Therapy can provide a supportive environment to address any lingering feelings and experiences.
Reconnect with Joy
Let yourself have moments of joy; not later, when you're “fully healed,” but now. Take five minutes for something that soothes you. Step outside and feel the air on your skin. Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, grounded, and seen.
You are worthy of love and care. Always have been. Always will be.
How to Support Someone Experiencing Post-Separation Abuse
How to Support Someone Experiencing Post-Separation Abuse
If you know someone dealing with post-separation abuse, here are ways to support them without adding to their stress:
Listen without judgment. Be a patient listener without pressuring them to make decisions.
Offer practical help. Help them find legal resources, provide emotional support or offer a safe place if necessary.
Validate their feelings. Acknowledge that their emotions, whether it is guilt, sadness, or anger, are valid.
Encourage them to get professional help. Gently suggest counselling or support groups to help them work through trauma.
Resources and Support
Need immediate help?
Crisis Support:
📞 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) – 24/7 national counselling and crisis support for domestic and sexual violence.
🌐 www.1800respect.org.auLegal Aid:
📞 National Legal Aid: Visit www.nationallegalaid.org to find the Legal Aid Commission in your state or territory.
Examples:Victoria Legal Aid: 1300 792 387
Legal Aid NSW: 1300 888 529
Legal Aid Queensland: 1300 651 188
Counselling Services: Contact Kat at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au or call 0452 070 738
Helpful Resources:
Self-Assessment: Are You Experiencing Post-Separation Abuse?
Take a moment to consider if you're experiencing any of these warning signs:
[ ] My ex monitors my activities through friends, family, or social media
[ ] I receive frequent unwanted contact (calls, texts, emails)
[ ] My ex uses children or finances to maintain control
[ ] Legal proceedings seem excessive or deliberately prolonged
[ ] I feel constantly anxious about what my ex might do next
[ ] My ex undermines my relationship with our children
[ ] Mutual friends or family have been turned against me
If you checked multiple boxes, please consider reaching out for support.
This blog post was created to provide information and support for those experiencing post-separation abuse. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
Contact the author: Kat at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au or 0452 070 738
Related Blogs:
If you want to talk to me about your experience you can email me:
at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
or phone 0452 070 738
