Breaking the Chains: Understanding Coercive Control
Are you trapped in an invisible prison? You're not alone.
Imagine being afraid to choose what you wear, where you go, or who you talk to. Imagine walking on eggshells every day, afraid of saying the wrong thing. This is the reality for countless people living under coercive control, one of the most invisible yet devastating forms of abuse.
What Is Coercive Control?
Unlike physical abuse that leaves visible bruises, coercive control operates in the shadows. It's a pattern of behaviors designed to strip away your freedom and sense of self.
"If physical abuse is like being hit with a fist, then coercive control is like being trapped in a mind prison."
Many survivors compare living with coercive control to living under a dictatorship where every aspect of life is monitored, controlled, and restricted.
Take our quiz: Recognise the Warning Signs of Coercive Control
How Coercive Control Takes Hold
Coercive control rarely begins with obvious abuse. Instead, it starts subtly and intensifies over time, like a spider weaving its web around the victim until escape feels impossible.
Isolation: Cutting Off Support Systems
Perpetrators systematically isolate victims from friends, family, and support networks. They create conflicts between victims and loved ones, making it difficult to maintain relationships. They might insist on accompanying the victim to all social events or appointments, eliminating any chance of private conversation or help-seeking.
Coercive control thrives in isolation. Support sets you free.
One client told me: "My partner would text constantly during girls' night out, then gradually convinced me my friends were 'toxic' until I stopped seeing them entirely."
Emotional and Psychological Manipulation
Abusers use a sophisticated arsenal of psychological tactics to maintain control. They oscillate between love and cruelty, creating an addictive cycle of hope and despair. Through gaslighting, they make victims question their own perceptions and memories. They use constant criticism to erode self-esteem until the victim believes they deserve the treatment they're receiving.
The unpredictability keeps victims in a state of hypervigilance, never knowing what might trigger the next episode of emotional abuse. This chronic stress makes rational decision-making increasingly difficult.
Read more: The Psychology Behind Gaslighting
Surveillance and Micromanagement
Control extends to monitoring every aspect of the victim's life; their movements, communications, appearance, and daily activities. Perpetrators may check phone records, emails, and social media accounts. They might track locations through GPS devices or apps. They establish rigid rules about everything from housekeeping to personal appearance, with harsh consequences for any perceived failure.
This constant surveillance creates a prison without walls, where privacy ceases to exist and autonomy gradually disappears.
Financial Control and Economic Abuse
By restricting access to financial resources, abusers create practical barriers to independence. They might prevent victims from working, control all household income, or create debt in the victim's name. They may demand detailed accounting of every penny spent or provide only inadequate allowances for essential needs.
Even after separation, financial abuse often continues through vexatious legal proceedings designed to drain resources and maintain control.
Other Forms of Control
Sexual coercion forces victims into unwanted sexual activities. Reproductive control involves sabotaging birth control or forcing pregnancy decisions. Faith-based manipulation uses religious beliefs to justify abuse. Children may become pawns in control tactics. Throughout it all, threats and intimidation enforce compliance and prevent escape.
The Hidden Damage of Coercive Control
The effects of living under constant control are profound and far-reaching. Psychologically, victims often develop anxiety, depression, and PTSD symptoms. Their sense of identity gradually erodes until they can no longer recognize themselves or trust their own judgment.
Fear becomes the default emotional state as "walking on eggshells" becomes normal. Physical health deteriorates under chronic stress, manifesting as sleep disorders, digestive problems, and compromised immune function.
Survivor story: "I didn't realize how much I'd lost myself until after I left. I couldn't even choose what to eat at a restaurant without panicking about making the 'wrong' choice."
Why It's Hard to Recognise and Leave
Coercive control is particularly dangerous because it escalates gradually, like the proverbial frog in slowly heating water. Victims are conditioned over time to accept increasingly controlling behavior as normal. From the outside, these relationships often appear functional, with the abuse happening behind closed doors.
Financial dependence makes escape practically difficult, while fear of escalation makes it emotionally terrifying. Many victims accurately fear that leaving will trigger increased violence or other severe consequences.
Legal Protection Against Coercive Control
The legal landscape is evolving to recognize this devastating form of abuse. In Australia, different states have taken various approaches:
In NSW, coercive control was criminalized from July 2024, carrying penalties of up to 7 years imprisonment. Queensland followed in March 2024 with even stronger penalties of up to 14 years imprisonment. Victoria addresses these behaviors under existing family violence laws, while South Australia is progressing draft legislation. Western Australia has announced a phased approach, and Tasmania, ACT, and NT cover aspects of coercive control under family violence legislation.
These legal developments represent growing recognition of the serious harm caused by psychological abuse and control.
Breaking Free: How to Get Help
You deserve freedom. You deserve safety. You deserve support.
Acknowledging the situation is the first crucial step toward freedom. From there, reaching out safely, using devices that aren't monitored, connects you with essential support. Creating a comprehensive safety plan before leaving reduces risks during this dangerous transition period.
Building a support network provides both practical and emotional resources for the journey ahead. Professional help, including counseling, legal advice, and practical assistance, proves invaluable for navigating the complex process of breaking free and rebuilding.
Where to Find Help:
1800RESPECT - National sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service
Lifeline: 131114 - Crisis support and suicide prevention
DVConnect: 1800 811 811 - 24/7 crisis response to domestic violence
Supporting Someone Under Coercive Control
If you suspect someone you know is experiencing coercive control, your response matters deeply. Listen without judgment and believe their experiences, even when they seem confusing or inconsistent. Offer practical support without pressure or ultimatums. Stay connected even when they seem to pull away, as isolation strengthens the abuser's control. Help them access professional resources when they're ready to take that step.
Your consistent, patient support creates a lifeline to freedom.
Learn more about supporting loved ones
Remember: No one deserves to live under someone else's control. Help is available, and a different life is possible.
A little bit about me
My name is Kat, and I am a registered counsellor working with women to overcome trauma from domestic violence and sexual abuse. I provide counselling, support, and workshops to help people reclaim their lives and identities after abusive experiences. Based in South East Melbourne, I am here to help you heal.
Work with me:
email at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
or phone 0452 070 738
