Supporting Your Child After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is a difficult step, especially if you have children. Helping your child to heal is an essential part of that journey as a parent. Children who witness or experience abuse can be deeply affected by it, but with your support, they can heal.
How Abuse Affects Children
Experiencing or witnessing abuse can have a huge impact on children, shaping their self-esteem, their relationships with other people and their emotional development. Growing up in a home where there is a toxic atmosphere, physical or emotional abuse often brings with it a mixture of confusing emotions that children may not be able to cope with. What you might expect:
Emotional Impact:
Fear and anxiety. Children might feel constantly unsafe, even in situations where they are objectively safe. This feeling of being always on guard can be exhausting and lead to anxiety.
Feelings of guilt and shame. Children frequently feel responsible for what happened. This belief that they somehow caused the abuse can harm their self-worth and result in long-lasting feelings of guilt and shame.
Emotional Numbness. Some children may begin to shut down emotionally as a way of coping, they might disconnect from their feelings to protect themselves from further pain.
Over time, they might struggle to identify or communicate their feelings, which makes them feel empty or disconnected.
Behavioural Impact:
Each child may react differently, but here are some typical ways they may respond to abuse:
Aggression. This can be seen in children when they express their anger and frustration in a way that causes conflicts with others. This behaviour suggests that they are having difficulty managing their emotions and expressing their internal pain.
Children sometimes revert to behaviours they exhibited when they were younger, like bedwetting, thumb-sucking, or seeking comfort from you, as a way to calm themselves down. This is a common way for them to feel safe and secure.
Social withdrawal can happen as experiencing or witnessing abuse makes it hard for kids to trust others, they might start to avoid social situations, become shy, and prefer being alone instead of socialising with other children.
Perfectionism. Some kids become perfectionists to feel like they are in control or good enough to prevent more abuse.
Mental Health Impact:
Abuse can take a toll on a child's mental health, and the impact can last for years even after the abuse has stopped. Some potential long-lasting effects may include:
Low self-esteem, feeling like you are not good enough, is a frequent result of abuse and can impact a child's self-identity and confidence.
Children who have experienced abuse may have trouble managing their emotions. They might feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger, sadness, or anxiety, and struggle to find ways to calm themselves down.
Difficulty trusting others. When children experience abuse, it can make them less likely to trust those around them. As they grow older, they might struggle with forming close relationships and constantly worry about getting hurt, making it hard for them to connect with others.
The likelihood of experiencing anxiety, depression, and PTSD is higher for people who have been abused. The emotional impact of abuse can increase the chances of developing mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and PTSD. These conditions can have an impact on various aspects of a person's daily life, including their performance at school and relationships with friends.
Helping children who have been abused involves assisting them in understanding their emotions, regaining trust, and feeling secure. With proper support, these children can recover and become more resilient, enabling them to cope with their emotions in healthier ways and form better relationships with others.
Children may seem happy, but the impact of abuse can shape their emotions and future relationships in unseen ways.
Helping Children Cope with Conflicting Feelings About an Abusive Parent
Children often feel a mixture of emotions towards an abusive parent - love, anger, confusion, and guilt can all be part of their experience. Here’s how you can help them navigate these complex feelings:
Acknowledge their emotions. Let them know it’s okay to have mixed feelings. They may feel love and loyalty alongside anger or sadness, and that’s completely normal. Reassure them that all these feelings are valid.
Separate the behaviour from the person. Help children realise that while their parent’s actions may be harmful, it doesn’t make the parent completely bad. People are more than their mistakes, and they understand. People are more than their mistakes, and understanding that makes it a little easier to process their feelings.
Encourage open conversations. Create a safe space where they can speak openly without fear of being judged or punished for their feelings. Allowing them to express themselves will help them process their feelings better.
Educate them about boundaries and self-esteem. Emphasise that they have a right to feel safe, respected and loved. Helping them understand healthy boundaries can protect their well-being, both now and in the future.
Supporting children through this process can help them feel less alone and more secure in their feelings.
Recognising and Supporting Individual Coping Styles in Children
Children process trauma in diverse ways influenced by their unique personalities, developmental stages, and past experiences. Understanding these differences is crucial to offering the right support. Below are some common coping styles and strategies to help children manage their emotions in healthy ways:
The “Internaliser”
Children who internalise often withdraw, appearing quiet, compliant, or self-blaming. Though they may seem fine outwardly, they often keep painful emotions locked inside, making it challenging for others to detect their distress.
Here is how you can support them:
Create a safe space. Encourage a calm, secure environment where they feel comfortable opening up. Reassure them that they can express any feelings without judgment.
Promote expressive activities. Some children find comfort in expressing themselves through art, writing, or play. Offering a journal, for example, or sitting with them while they draw can encourage gradual emotional release.
Remind them of their self-worth. Children who internalise often feel responsible for the trauma. Consistently remind them that what happened is not their fault and affirm that they are deserving of love and respect.
The “Externaliser”
Externalisers express emotions outwardly, sometimes through anger, defiance, or impulsive behaviour. These actions often stem from inner turmoil and may be attempts to regain control or seek attention.
Here is how you can support them:
Encourage healthy outlets. Physical activities like sports, dancing, or outdoor play allow them to release energy constructively. Creative outlets, such as painting or drama, also provide safe spaces for self-expression.
Establish compassionate boundaries. Externalisers benefit from clear, consistent boundaries. Be firm yet understanding, reinforcing that it's okay to feel angry but not okay to hurt others.
Teach self-soothing techniques. Breathing exercises, counting, or using physical tools like stress balls can help externalisers manage strong emotions.
The “Caretaker”
Children with caretaking tendencies often put other people's needs first, even if it means they neglect their own well-being. They might push aside their own emotions in order to avoid arguments or keep the peace.
Here is how you can support them:
Encourage them to focus on themselves. Let them know it's okay to care about others, but their own needs matter too. Make sure to recognise and support their emotions on a regular basis.
Help them to set boundaries. Explain that they aren’t responsible for managing adult emotions. Gently remind them to tune into their own feelings and take breaks when they need to.
Encourage independence by supporting kids in pursuing hobbies and interests that match their age, let them explore who they are and help them gain confidence.
The “Avoider”
Many children try to avoid hard emotions by distracting themselves with things like screen time, schoolwork, or hobbies. Even though they might seem content, this avoidance can stop them from properly dealing with their emotions.
Here is how you can support them:
Balance distraction with their processing of emotions. While occasional distractions are okay, gently encourage them to discuss their feelings when they’re ready, providing space for reflection.
Introduce mindfulness. Activities like yoga, breathing exercises, or body awareness can help avoiders reconnect with their emotions at a manageable pace.
Break down conversations. Instead of in-depth talks, which can feel overwhelming, try short, regular check-ins. This approach can help them open up gradually without feeling pressured.
The “Performer”
Performers strive for excellence, often using achievements as a way to seek approval and avoid confronting difficult emotions. Their drive may be motivated by perfectionism and a desire for control.
Here is how you can support them:
Acknowledge effort over results. Reinforce that their worth isn’t tied to success. Recognise their hard work and emphasize that they’re valued for who they are, not just what they accomplish.
Encourage low-pressure activities. Suggest hobbies that allow them to relax without striving for results. Creative or nature-based activities can offer a break from performance-based pressure.
Discuss self-compassion. Help them understand that mistakes are a natural part of growth. Teaching self-kindness can reduce the isolation and stress associated with perfectionism.
The “Chameleon”
Chameleons adapt their behaviour to fit various situations, which may lead them to lose touch with their true identity. Although this flexibility can help avoid conflicts, it may also cause an internal struggle as they grapple with their sense of self.
Here is how you can support them:
Encourage authenticity in safe spaces. Reassure them that they don’t have to change to be accepted at home. Let them know that it’s okay to show their true feelings.
Encourage self-discovery. Support them in exploring personal interests and expressing themselves, which can lead to a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence.
Lead by example. Model genuine behaviour and emotional expression. When children see adults being true to themselves, it can inspire them to feel comfortable doing the same.
Understanding how each child deals with their emotions can be useful in helping them find healthier ways to express their feelings and improve their resilience. It's important to remember that children's coping mechanisms can evolve as they mature and gain emotional stability. By being patient and offering ongoing support, you can help them in developing long-lasting emotional skills.
Put emotional safety first
Creating a safe, predictable environment is key to helping your child heal. Children feel more secure when they have set routines and know they are loved. You can provide emotional security by establishing calming routines, such as bedtime rituals or weekend activities. You can also remind your child frequently that they are safe and loved and are not to blame for what is happening.
And be patient on difficult days, as their current behaviours are often reactions to the trauma they have experienced.
Communicate Openly and Age-Appropriately
Talking openly about feelings is important, but keep it age-appropriate. Children will often sense something is wrong even if they don’t understand fully what is going on. So please:
Listen more than you speak. Let your child share in their own way.
Use simple language that suits their age, like “Sometimes adults make hurtful choices, and it’s not your fault.”
Be honest but gentle, helping build trust without overwhelming them.
Encourage Expression Through Play and Creative Activities
Play and creativity allow children to express emotions without words. Depending on their age and personality you can try:
Art activities, like drawing or painting, help them express their feelings safely.
Role-play or storytelling can let them explore emotions and even reframe their experiences.
Music and movement, are ideal for younger children who may express themselves more through action than words.
Seek Professional Help When Needed
There’s no shame in getting professional support for you and your child. A trauma-informed therapist can create a safe space for your child to work through their emotions and learn coping skills.
Look for therapists who have experience with childhood trauma. Schools, community centres or paediatricians can be good sources for referrals.
Don’t forget about your own mental health. Therapy for yourself can provide valuable help to effectively support your child’s healing process.
Final Thoughts
Healing is a gradual process, but with your help, your child can learn to deal with their feelings and their relationship with their abusive parent. In time, they can find a new sense of safety, self-worth and confidence.
If you would like to talk to me, you can contact me at:
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au
or call me on 0452 285 526
