I Am Broken. When You Feel Beyond Repair
The woman sitting across from me grips her coffee mug so tightly that her knuckles turn white. "I don't think I can ever trust again," she says, her voice steady but hollow. He didn't just break my heart. He broke me. "
In my fifteen years working in the field of domestic abuse in various roles, I've heard countless variations of this sentiment. Women who have escaped relationships where love was weaponised against them often arrive at my office carrying the same belief: that the abuse has fundamentally damaged something within them that can never be restored.
The Aftermath of Control
When you've lived under someone else's control, when you had your reality questioned, your worth diminished, your independence systematically undermined, the psychological impact runs deep. It's not just about healing from single incidents. It's about reconstructing your sense of self when someone has deliberately tried to dismantle it.
Katie (not her real name) came to therapy six months after leaving her partner of eight years. She described herself as "permanently damaged goods". During their relationship, her partner had isolated her from friends and family, monitored her every move, and convinced her that no one else would ever want her. Even though she had found the courage to leave, she felt like a shell of the person she once was.
"I look in the mirror and I don't recognise myself", she told me. "Sometimes I wonder if he was right, maybe there is something wrong with me that made him treat me that way".
This is the insidious nature of domestic abuse. It doesn't just inflict wounds; it plants seeds of self-doubt that continue to grow long after the relationship ends.
Why "Broken" Feels Real
Healing takes time. You are not broken, you are reclaiming yourself, one step at a time.
When someone who came out of an abusive relationship tells me they feel broken, I understand why. Being in an abusive relationship can shatter your fundamental beliefs about yourself and the world around you:
Your sense of safety has been violated, often by someone who claimed to love you.
Your autonomy has been restricted, making even small decisions feel overwhelming.
Your perception of reality has been questioned ("That never happened," "You're too sensitive"), leaving you distrusting your judgement.
Your boundaries have been repeatedly crossed, making it difficult to even know where to draw them now.
Your worth has been tied to someone else's approval, leaving a void when that relationship ends.
These aren't simple hurts that time alone can heal. They're profound disruptions to your sense of self that require active rebuilding.
The Problem with "Broken"
While I never dismiss the feeling of brokenness, I gently challenge the label itself. Here's why:
Broken things stay broken unless something external fixes them. But you are not passive in your healing; you have agency, even when it doesn't feel like it.
Broken implies something is functioning incorrectly. But your responses to abuse, the hypervigilance, the difficulty trusting others and yourself, the self-protection, these aren't malfunctions. They're adaptations that help you survive.
Broken suggests permanence. But we humans are remarkably resilient. We're designed to heal, even from deep wounds.
Most importantly, "broken" can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we believe something about ourselves so completely, we often unconsciously act in ways that reinforce that belief.
What's Actually Happening
What feels like brokenness is a normal response to abnormal circumstances. Your brain and body have gone through extraordinary measures to protect you during prolonged trauma. Those protective mechanisms don't simply switch off once you're physically safe.
The disconnection you feel from yourself? It's dissociation, which is a coping mechanism that helped you endure unbearable situations.
The constant alertness to danger? It's hypervigilance, this is your brain trying to prevent further harm.
The numbness? It's emotional regulation, it protects you from feeling overwhelmed.
The difficulty making decisions? It's a natural response to having your choices controlled or punished.
These aren't signs that something is wrong with you. They're signs that your survival mechanisms are working exactly as designed. The problem isn't you. It is what happened to you.
The Way Forward
I won't pretend that recovering from an abusive relationship is quick or easy. It isn't. But I've seen enough women reclaim their lives to know it's possible.
Katie's journey began with small steps. First, recognising that her thoughts about being "damaged goods" weren't facts, but beliefs installed by her abuser. Then, gradually reconnecting with her own wants and needs after years of focusing solely on his.
Some days were harder than others. There were setbacks; moments when an unexpected trigger would throw her back into feeling powerless. But over time, she developed tools to ground herself when those moments came.
The turning point wasn't when the pain disappeared completely. It was when she realised that the pain no longer defined her, that she could carry it without being consumed by it.
What Helps
If you're feeling this way right now, here are some truths that have helped others in your situation:
Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Aloneness feeds the belief that you're beyond repair. Connection challenges it. Whether through support groups, therapy, or trusted friends who understand trauma, finding spaces where your experience is validated makes a profound difference.
Your timeline is your own. There's no schedule for recovering from abuse. Healing isn't linear and expecting it to be creates unnecessary pressure. Some days will feel like steps backward - that's normal, not failure.
Your body holds wisdom. Trauma lives in the body as much as the mind. Practices that help you reconnect with your physical self, whether gentle movement, breath work, or simply noticing physical sensations without judgement, can be powerful avenues for healing.
Your identity is bigger than what happened to you. The abuse is part of your story, but it isn't your whole story. Reconnecting with parts of yourself that existed before the relationship, or discovering new aspects, helps expand your sense of self beyond "being a survivor of abuse".
Small choices rebuild autonomy. After having your choices controlled, even minor decisions can feel overwhelming. Starting small, choosing what to eat, how to spend an hour of your day, what to wear, gradually rebuilds your trust in your judgement.
A Different Story
Three years after our first session, Katie told me something I'll never forget: "I used to think he broke me. Now I realise he never had that power. He hurt me, yes. He changed me, definitely. But the core of who I am? That remained intact, even when I couldn't feel it".
You may not be able to feel it right now, but I promise you: the essence of who you are exists underneath the pain, waiting to be rediscovered. Not as you were before, trauma changes us, but as someone who has survived and who carries within her the capacity to thrive again.
You are not broken. You are in the process of reclaiming yourself. And that process, however difficult, holds the possibility of a life richer and more authentic than you can currently imagine.
A Note About Healing
When I mention that Katie shared these insights three years after our first meeting, I should clarify what that therapeutic journey typically looks like. Most survivors don't require intensive therapy for years on end.
Our work together usually follows a natural progression. We often begin with weekly sessions during the acute phase when the wounds are freshest and coping skills need reinforcement. As survivors begin to stabilise and integrate new perspectives, we typically transition to bi-weekly sessions.
As more healing occurs, monthly sessions provide continued support while acknowledging growing independence. Eventually, many clients move to occasional "check-in" sessions every few months or as needed.
This gradual spacing reflects the healing process itself - moving from intensive support to growing self-reliance. The goal of trauma therapy isn't to create dependency but to work ourselves out of a job, giving you the tools to continue your healing journey independently.
Katie's transformation didn't require three years of weekly therapy. Rather, our work evolved as she did, with her taking increasing ownership of her healing process. The most profound changes often happen between sessions, as new insights are practiced and integrated into daily life.
If you need support, I’m here to help. Contact me at:
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526
If you're struggling, please reach out to 1800RESPECT for confidential support.
