Why we accept the love we think we deserve
The phrase “We accept the love we think we deserve,” from Stephen Chbosky’s novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower, suggests that people often stay in relationships that reflect their perceived self-worth. If someone feels undeserving of genuine love and care, they may unconsciously settle for a toxic or abusive relationship. This idea highlights the importance of self-awareness and self-worth as foundations for experiencing healthy love.
We tend to accept love that aligns with our beliefs about ourselves. From early childhood, we form ideas about love based on our experiences. If love came with conditions or neglect, we may internalize the belief that we don’t deserve unconditional love. These beliefs often operate subconsciously, making it difficult for us to recognise why we settle for relationships that are not good for us.
Only when we take a step back—observing how others treat us and questioning our own patterns—can we understand why we may be stuck in cycles of unhealthy love.
We Often Settle for the Love We Believe We’re Worthy Of
Most of our romantic lives are spent trapped in repetitive patterns, continuously replicating them. The reason for this is both simple and complex: we allow our past relationships to shape our perception of love, and as a result, we attract individuals who reinforce these familiar emotions.
Essentially, our past dictates our future, and our beliefs shape our experiences. At times, our beliefs may not align with our needs. We yearn for love, yet we push it away. We crave deep emotional connections, yet we fear them. This fear stems from associating love with chaos and doubting that it can be calm, stable, caring, and validating. After all, how can we believe in a love we have never experienced before?
What Our First Relationships Teach Us About Love
We are always taking in information from the world around us, often without being aware of it. When events occur, we develop beliefs influenced by those experiences, which in turn shape our perspective on life. The more we hold onto these beliefs, the more we attract situations and relationships that reinforce them. This pattern persists until we make a conscious decision to change it.
For example, if you were betrayed by your first partner, you might internalise beliefs such as love not being safe, feeling unlovable, or thinking you’re better off alone. Consequently, you may unknowingly expect your next relationship to evoke similar feelings.
Similarly, if you were in a controlling relationship, you might develop the belief that you need strict boundaries to protect yourself. Personal space and independence become top priorities because you know what it feels like to have them violated. In both cases, your beliefs are shaped by past relationships.
It’s not just romantic relationships that influence us; our relationships with parents or caregivers also play a significant role. These deep-rooted connections can greatly impact our beliefs about love and relationships.
How Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship Choices
Building a connection with primary caregivers is important for infants and small children. This is a vital aspect of early life that tends to shape our emotions, behaviours, and interactions with others throughout the years.
Our attachment style is the blueprint for how we choose to relate to people. If you were raised in a warm, nurturing, and caring family, you will likely form a secure attachment. This typically leads to a healthy self-image and a strong feeling that you are worthy of loving relationships and a supportive environment.
On the contrary, an insecure attachment style—whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganised—indicates that your primary caregivers were not able to meet all your emotional and developmental needs. For example, if one of your parents was impatient, quick to anger, and showed love conditionally based on your academic success, this might lead to an insecure attachment style. You might end up believing:
I do not deserve to be loved.
I am deeply flawed and unlovable.
I am weak and deserve to be treated badly.
Love comes with conditions and causes pain.
Your romantic relationships may then reflect these beliefs, leading you to engage in multiple toxic partnerships, lack boundaries, and feel a constant need to prove your worth in exchange for love.
Self-Verification Theory and Our Relationship Choices
Self-verification theory suggests that we have a strong desire for others to see us as we see ourselves. This means that if we have a negative self-image, we may find ourselves drawn to partners who confirm those negative beliefs.
Conversely, those with a positive self-view are more likely to seek out partners who reflect that positivity. While self-verification can strengthen relationships by offering validation and a sense of belonging, it can also reinforce negative self-perceptions and impede personal growth. Therefore, it's important to navigate self-verification carefully, particularly in the context of negative self-views.
What If You’ve Never Experienced Healthy Love?
From an early age, we begin forming our understanding of love by observing how our parents show affection towards each other and us. These foundational experiences shape our perception of love and stay with us throughout our lives. When we fall in love, we often seek qualities that remind us of home. A nurturing upbringing may make us less likely to accept mistreatment while growing up in a toxic environment can blur the lines between healthy and harmful behaviour.
If we have never experienced a healthy form of love, we might feel unworthy of it, leading us to normalize unhealthy, toxic relationships. Sometimes, we are drawn to unsuitable partners as an unconscious attempt to resolve past wounds.
Co-dependency: A Barrier to Healthy Love
Have you ever seen how some couples can bring out the worst in one another? This might indicate a codependent relationship. It's perfectly natural to lean on our loved ones for support; as social beings, we thrive on helping each other. However, when this support turns into enabling negative behaviours, habits, or addictions, we enter the realm of co-dependency.
Originally, the term was used to describe behaviours linked to addiction, but it has since expanded to encompass any unbalanced relationship where one person supports the unhealthy patterns of another, regardless of whether addiction is involved.
In a codependent relationship, one or both partners may face challenges like poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or a lack of achievement, and the relationship dynamic can exacerbate these issues. They might overlook other important areas of their lives just to satisfy the other person. This intense focus on each other can damage other vital relationships, such as friendships, educational pursuits, career paths, or even daily responsibilities.
Individuals who feel codependent or rely on someone with these traits often find it hard to maintain an equal and balanced relationship. They may lean on the other person's sacrifices or needs rather than fostering an environment where both can flourish. If you grew up with a parent or caregiver who was particularly ill, needy, or demanding, you might have learned to put others' needs first from an early age, often at the expense of your own. Those with unfulfilled emotional needs frequently find themselves in codependent relationships.
How to Start Accepting the Love You Deserve
To attract and receive healthy love that helps you grow, you need to understand your attachment style, beliefs that hold you back, and behaviours that harm you.
The first step is to know yourself and why you are the way you are. If your parents treated you poorly and you now believe that's what love is, you may face problems as an adult. This mistaken idea of love can make you think being mistreated is normal.
Therapy can help you uncover your subconscious beliefs and harmful patterns. Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can reveal recurring themes in your life.
Practising mindfulness and self-reflection can also help you understand your relationships better. Talk to a trusted friend who can provide an unbiased view of your relationship dynamics.
Becoming self-aware will take time and effort, but it's an important step in breaking negative patterns and building healthier relationships.
Healing Childhood Wounds
Healing emotional wounds from childhood is essential to breaking free from unhealthy patterns. This can involve therapy, self-reflection, and acknowledging the strength it took to survive past experiences. Self-forgiveness and compassion play key roles in this process, as well as forgiving others for their role in shaping your past.
The Impact of Cultural and Societal Expectations
In various cultures, the norms and expectations of society significantly influence our perceptions of love and relationships. These cultural pressures can subtly shape our beliefs about the love we think we deserve, affecting our self-image and the partners we choose. For example, in some cultures, there is a strong emphasis on selflessness in relationships, often encouraging individuals—particularly women—to place their partner's needs above their own. This mindset can lead to the internalisation of the idea that their happiness is less important, resulting in patterns of unhealthy or imbalanced relationships.
Moreover, societal ideals regarding beauty, success, and gender roles can further skew our understanding of our worthiness in love. If we feel we fall short of these standards, we might unconsciously accept less than we deserve, thinking we aren't worthy of a partner who treats us with the respect and kindness we need. Recognising and confronting these external influences is critical for breaking the cycle of unhealthy love.
Fear of Being Alone
The fear of being alone can lead people to stay in relationships that aren't good for them. This fear often stems from feelings of inadequacy or loneliness, causing people to think that being in a toxic relationship is preferable to being on their own. Such a mindset can make it challenging to break free from harmful situations, particularly when there's a worry about not finding another partner or feeling unworthy of better treatment.
There are also societal pressures surrounding being single, especially for women, which can intensify this fear. There’s often an expectation to settle down, marry, or adhere to a timeline set by others. As a result, many people find themselves in unfulfilling relationships, convinced that any partnership is better than the perceived failure of being single.
Overcoming this fear requires developing a strong sense of self-worth, understanding that being single is not a reflection of one's value, and embracing the idea that a healthy relationship begins with a healthy relationship with oneself.
Redefining What Love Looks Like
For many people, the path to embracing the love they genuinely deserve starts with reshaping their understanding of love. Often, our views on love are influenced by unrealistic ideals formed through media, family dynamics, or previous relationships. Real love isn't about being flawless or constantly sacrificing our own needs. Instead, it encompasses mutual respect, emotional support, kindness, and personal growth.
Acknowledging this and establishing higher expectations for what love should entail is crucial for attracting healthy and fulfilling relationships. This involves releasing toxic patterns, steering clear of partners who trigger feelings of inadequacy, and distinguishing between intensity and genuine affection. When we redefine love in these healthier terms, we can begin to seek partners who will honour our boundaries, value our emotional health, and inspire us to be our true selves.
Redefining love also requires understanding that we are worthy of love simply by being who we are, not by what we do, what we achieve, or how well we meet other people's expectations. Genuine love is rooted in acceptance, respect, and shared growth, and it all begins with how we treat ourselves.
Transformation Through Self-Acceptance
Transformation involves learning to accept and love yourself without judgment. By embracing self-compassion, setting goals for self-development, and practising self-care, you can begin to reshape your relationship with yourself. When you start to believe you deserve better, you’ll begin to attract healthier love into your life.
Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is essential for embracing and nurturing personal growth. This involves focusing on emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical health. To support physical well-being, engage in activities like exercising, hiking, walking, and enjoying nutritious meals. For mental and emotional health, explore options such as therapy, healing from past traumas, reading self-help books, trying new experiences, and spending time in nature. Expand your knowledge by enrolling in courses, reading various books, and participating in intellectually stimulating activities. The key is to prioritize your overall well-being, cultivate a positive self-image, and approach your journey with patience and kindness. By valuing and respecting yourself, you can foster healthier relationships and discover the love you truly deserve.
Final Thoughts
Why do we settle for the love we think we deserve? Often, it’s because our past experiences have shaped our self-perception. But by becoming aware of these patterns, healing past wounds, and transforming how we see ourselves, we can begin to seek out the love that truly allows us to grow and thrive.
