Understanding Narcissists' Flying Monkeys: The Dark Side of Manipulation
You might think "flying monkeys" sounds like something out of a bizarre circus act, but if you've dealt with a narcissist, you know it's no laughing matter (okay, maybe a little). These aren’t the cute winged creatures from your Wizard of Oz fantasies. Oh no! They're the narcissist’s loyal minions, unwitting or not, who swoop in to make your life a living nightmare.
This blog is here to help you understand what these flying monkeys are, how they operate, and, most importantly, how you can avoid becoming the star of their show.
What Is Narcissism? (The Quick and Dirty Version)
Before we tackle flying monkeys, we need to understand their ringleader: the narcissist. Narcissism isn't just a case of someone taking too many selfies or hogging the mirror (although, yeah, they do that too). People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are like the divas of dysfunction, characterised by:
Grandiosity. They believe they’re Beyoncé but without the talent.
A constant need for admiration. Narcissists need attention like plants need sunlight. Only they're way less chill about it.
A complete lack of empathy. They can walk over your feelings like it’s a casual Sunday stroll.
So, what's a narcissist to do when they want to control you but can’t be everywhere at the same time? Simple. They send in the flying monkeys. Why do the dirty work yourself when others can do it for you, right?
So... Who Are These "Flying Monkeys"?
Think back to the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz. Remember her fleet of flying monkeys causing chaos for poor Dorothy? In narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are the people, friends, family or even work colleagues, who the narcissist convinces (or manipulates) into doing their bidding. These people might not even realise they’re pawns in the narcissist’s game. They’re like the clueless backup dancers in the narcissist's grand performance of manipulation.
And here’s the kicker: they can be anyone. That sweet neighbour who always waters your plants? Flying monkey. Your coworker who brings doughnuts to meetings? You guessed it they have the flying monkey potential.
Why Do People Become Flying Monkeys? (No, They Don’t Get Paid in Bananas)
You’re probably wondering, Why on earth would someone willingly be a flying monkey? Good question! Here are some reasons why people sign up for this less-than-glamorous role:
They don’t realise they’re being manipulated. Some people (flying monkeys) genuinely think they’re helping a poor, misunderstood friend (aka the narcissist).
They’re people-pleasers. These people just want to avoid conflict. If that means being a flying monkey, so be it. They'll happily fetch the narcissist’s slippers and stir up drama, no questions asked.
Shared interests. Sometimes, they’ve got beef with the same people or share the narcissist’s love for stirring the pot. It’s a twisted friendship, but it works.
Fear. Others are too scared to say no, they might feel like they have no choice but to side with the more powerful person (sadly, that could be the children you have together).
Types of Flying Monkeys (Yes, They Come in Flavors)
Not all flying monkeys are created equal. Some are clueless, and some are, well, too enthusiastic. Let’s break it down:
Unaware helpers. They think they’re saving the day but are really just pawns in the narcissist’s game.
Enablers. They see the red flags but are conveniently ignoring them because, hey, who’s got time for that?
Willing participants. These people know exactly what’s going on but go along with it anyway. If you need someone to help you move... not these guys.
Disciples. Oh, these are the worst. They worship the narcissist, adopting their cruel tactics and spreading it around like confetti- if confetti were made of lies and toxicity.
How Do Flying Monkeys Help the Narcissist?
Flying monkeys are the ultimate multitaskers, helping narcissists with tasks like:
Spreading lies - need a rumour started by lunchtime? Flying monkeys have got you covered.
Isolating the victim - they’ll turn people against you faster than a middle school clique.
Gaslighting - with a team of flying monkeys backing the narcissist’s lies, victims often end up questioning their sanity.
Triangulating - think of it as a drama with a plot twist. The narcissist brings a third person into the mix (often a flying monkey) to create tension and confusion. They’ll manipulate the situation so you're pitted against the flying monkey, or someone else, leading to jealousy, rivalry, and chaos. It's all designed to keep you off balance and ensure you don’t have solid allies, while the narcissist plays puppet master.
Case Example: Emma’s Flying Monkey Ordeal
Picture this: Emma, a talented graphic designer, worked in a small firm alongside her boss, Carla, the narcissist extraordinaire. Carla had the charm of a game show host but the empathy of a potato. When Emma began to notice Carla’s manipulative tactics, Carla recruited Emily, a sweet but naive coworker, as her flying monkey.
Emily thought Carla was just misunderstood, so she’d spread rumours about Emma "being difficult" and "causing problems." Before long, other coworkers started avoiding Emma, siding with Emily and Carla. Emma was left isolated, doubting her own reality. It wasn’t until a friend outside of work pointed out the classic flying monkey behaviour that Emma realised she wasn’t the problem—Carla was the puppet master.
Case Example: Sarah’s Great Escape
Think about Sarah. After years of enduring an emotional rollercoaster (well, emotional abuse, really)in her relationship with Jack, a narcissistic, she finally decided to leave. They had kids together, so it wasn’t easy to leave, but she knew it was time to prioritise her sanity over his ego.
Of course, her ex couldn’t just let her go quietly. Oh no, he unleashed his army of flying monkeys. First, his sister, who had never once shown an interest in their marriage, suddenly started calling Sarah, telling her she was “selfish” for leaving such a “good man.” Next, mutual friends started to pop up with unsolicited advice, hinting that maybe she was exaggerating things. And then, the pièce de résistance: her kids’ teacher reached out, saying her ex was so concerned about the kids’ well-being, implying that Sarah’s decision to leave had damaged them.
Sarah was dumbfounded. Suddenly, she was fighting off guilt trips, unsolicited advice, and straight-up attacks from people who had no idea what she’d gone through behind closed doors. It felt like she was the villain in everyone’s eyes, except she wasn’t. Her ex had manipulated these flying monkeys into doing his dirty work, making it harder for Sarah to move on.
But Sarah wasn’t having it. She set boundaries like a pro, cut off contact with anyone siding with her ex, and leaned on the people who actually understood her situation. The flying monkeys? They could keep squawking, but Sarah wasn’t listening anymore.
How to Defend Yourself from the Flying Monkeys (Bananas Optional)
If you find yourself surrounded by these winged minions of doom, fear not! There are ways to keep them at bay:
Recognise the signs. If someone’s always popping up with gossip and suspicious loyalty to a narcissist, they might be a flying monkey in disguise.
Set boundaries. Get comfortable with saying "no" and limiting contact with those who support the narcissist.
Grey rock. Yellow rock. Pick a rock. No, you don’t need to be stony-faced all the time, but showing no emotion when dealing with these folks can save you a lot of drama.
Don’t overshare. Keep your personal info locked up tighter than Fort Knox. Flying monkeys love to use it against you.
Find your people. Seek out trusted friends or a therapist to talk to. It’s hard fighting flying monkeys alone. After all, even Dorothy had her squad.
Final Thoughts (No Monkeys Were Harmed in the Writing of This Blog)
Flying monkeys are like the narcissist’s annoying henchmen, but you don’t have to let them wreak havoc on your life. Once you understand their role, set boundaries, and protect your peace, you can avoid getting caught in their toxic whirlwind.
And remember: just because they’re called flying monkeys doesn’t mean you have to let them swing into your life!
If you are ready to talk, you can contact me at:
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au or call me on 0452 285 526
