Why Is It So Hard to Leave a Toxic Relationship?

Leaving a toxic relationship is one of the hardest decisions you may ever make. Whether it’s emotional, physical, or psychological abuse, recognising that your relationship is toxic is the first step, but walking away is so much harder. Many people stay in unhealthy relationships longer than they should, and it’s important to understand why leaving is so hard.

What Is a Toxic Relationship?

A toxic relationship can take many forms, but at its core, it’s one that harms your mental, emotional, or physical well-being. Toxic partners may belittle you, control your actions, manipulate your feelings, or make you feel isolated. The abuse can be obvious, such as physical violence, or more hidden, like emotional abuse and coercive control.

Many people, especially young adults, may not even realize they are in a toxic relationship until the signs become impossible to ignore. Recognizing these patterns can help you determine if you’re in a harmful situation and whether it’s time to leave.

At its essence, it's any relationship that harms your mental, emotional, or physical well-being. It can be through belittling, controlling actions, manipulating feelings, or isolation. Sometimes it’s obvious—physical violence, for example. But often, it’s more insidious, like emotional abuse or coercive control. Many people might not even realise they’re in one until the signs are glaring.

Understanding warning signs and behaviours of a toxic relationship can help you identify a situation that can be harmful. Recognising these signs is the first step toward taking charge of your life and mental well-being. You deserve a relationship that nurtures, supports, and uplifts you.

Why Is It So Hard to Break Free a Toxic Relationship?

In my experience as a therapist, I've seen how difficult it is for people to leave toxic relationships. The advice to ‘just leave’ oversimplifies the emotional and practical difficulties involved. From my experience, clients often struggle with deeply rooted self-worth issues and fears of isolation, which makes walking away feel impossible.

The reasons people stay are deeply emotional, psychological, and what people from the outside often forget, practical.

Low Self-Esteem

In toxic relationships, the constant put-downs and emotional manipulation can make you question your self-worth. You may begin to believe the negative things your partner says about you, making it impossible to believe you deserve better.

Emma's Story: Emma had been with her boyfriend for five years. In the beginning, he would tell her how beautiful she was. But as time went on, his words changed. He started saying things like, "No one else will want you" and "You're lucky I put up with you". Over time, Emma started to believe him and began to feel unworthy of love. The idea of leaving felt impossible, her confidence was gone. She often thought to herself: “Who would want to be with me. I will never manage on my own”.

Emotional Investment

Long-term relationships come with deep emotional investments. You may have shared dreams, memories, and even a home. This history makes it very difficult to walk away, even if the relationship has deteriorated. The emotional weight of what you've built together can make the thought of leaving feel like losing part of your identity.

Mark's Dilemma: Mark and Sarah had been married for 12 years and had two kids together. Despite constant arguments and controlling behaviour from Sarah, Mark couldn’t bring himself to leave. "We’ve been through so much together" he would think. "We have children and years of memories. Can I just throw all of that away?" This emotional attachment kept him stuck in the relationship, even though it was clearly damaging his mental health.

Fear of Being Alone

The fear of loneliness is a huge reason many stay in toxic relationships. Even when the relationship is hurtful, the idea of being single and starting over can be terrifying. You might wonder if you’ll ever find someone else or if being alone will be even worse. The comfort of familiarity, even when it's harmful, often feels safer than stepping into the unknown and facing the fear of rejection or isolation.

Mandy’s Fear: Mandy (45) had been with her partner for 9 years. Over time she noticed he had become more distant and started insulting her. She is becoming more anxious about the relationship but she still can’t imagine her life without him. She told a friend: "What if I leave and end up alone forever? What if I never find anyone else? Maybe it's better to just stay, at least I’m not alone". The fear of facing the world on her own kept her trapped in a painful relationship far longer than she should have stayed.

Hope for Change

Many people stay in toxic relationships because they hold onto the hope that things will get better. Maybe their partner has apologised and promised to change, or maybe they’ve seen glimpses of the person they fell in love with. This hope can make it incredibly hard to walk away, even when it becomes clear the promises of change aren’t being fulfilled. The emotional highs and moments of tenderness can create a cycle of hope and disappointment, leaving you clinging to the belief that things will eventually improve.

Jessa's Hope: Jessa’s partner was horrible to her, he would call her names, belittle her and occasionally slap or push her but he would also have moments of kindness, where he would buy her flowers or apologise for his actions. He would promise to go to therapy or "try harder" to be a better boyfriend to her. But every time, after a week or two of improved behaviour, things would go back to his old behaviour. Jessa held onto those fleeting moments of love and promises of change, even though his nasty behaviour always returned.

Normalising Toxicity

When you’re in a toxic relationship for long enough, you may start to normalise the bad behaviour. If you’ve experienced abuse in past relationships or even witnessed it growing up, you might not even recognise that what’s happening to you is abnormal or unhealthy. This can lead to a dangerous cycle where you accept mistreatment as a standard part of your reality, making it increasingly difficult to identify the need for change or seek help.

Oscar's Awakening: Oscar grew up in a family where his parents were always fighting, his father was constantly criticising his mum, humiliating her in front of other people, and blaming her for all sorts of things. Oscar noticed similar themes emerging in his relationship with Luke but dismissed it, thinking to himself "This is just how all relationships are". But one day a friend asked him how he was coping in his relationship. Oscar was surprised by the question but they talked and Oscar started to see that Luca’s manipulative and verbally abusive behaviour was far from normal. Oscar began realising how unhealthy their relationship had turned.

Children

For many, the presence of children can be a significant reason to stay in a toxic relationship. Parents often worry about the impact of separation on their children’s well-being and the potential for custody battles that could arise. The fear that a toxic partner may manipulate the children and turn them against the safe parent, can heavily influence the safe parent's decision to leave. Concerns about how the upheaval will affect their children's lives, including the loss of stability and routine, can make it hard to prioritise one’s own mental health.

Parents may also worry about their financial ability to provide for their children’s needs and wants, like after-school activities, holidays, and technology, further complicating their decision to leave.

Lena’s Anguish: Laura had been in a tumultuous marriage with Jake for over a decade. They had three children, and Laura often thought about leaving due to Jake's emotional manipulation and control. However, she feared that if she left, he would use the children as pawns in a custody battle, making her to be an unfit parent. "What if he turns the kids against me?" she worried. Laura also felt anxious about the impact of divorce on their lives. Would she be able to afford the activities they loved, like soccer and dance lessons? Would they still be able to go on family holidays? These concerns kept her trapped in a toxic environment, hoping that somehow things would improve for the sake of her children.

Financial Dependency

For many, leaving isn’t just about the emotional and psychological barriers; practical concerns, such as financial dependency, can be a huge hurdle. If your partner controls the finances or if you’re financially dependent on them, leaving can feel like a nearly impossible task. This dependency can trap you in a cycle of abuse, as the fear of financial instability often outweighs the desire for freedom and safety.

Kelly's Struggle: After moving in with her boyfriend, Kelly stopped working to focus on finishing her degree. She relied on her boyfriend for financial support which was ok initially but at some point, he started controlling the money. When they argued, he would threaten to cut her off financially. "Where will I go?" Megan wondered. "I don’t have any money saved. I’m not even working" The lack of financial independence made her feel stuck, even though she knew the relationship was toxic.

Fear of Escalation

For some, leaving a toxic relationship can feel like a dangerous decision. In abusive relationships, there is a real fear that leaving will make the situation worse. Abusers may escalate their behaviour if they feel they are losing control, and many people stay because they fear retaliation or harm.

Anita's Terror: Anita has been married for almost 20 years to Rajesh. They have three children. Sadly, there is a great deal of emotional and physical abuse in the relationship. Every time she thought about leaving, her husband would somehow sense it and become more aggressive. "If you ever leave me, I'll make sure you regret it", he would say. Anita was terrified that leaving would lead to more violence, so she stayed, even though she knew it wasn’t safe for her.

These kinds of situations highlight just how complicated and heart-wrenching the decision to leave can be. It's so much more than just walking away. It involves weighing so many factors, both practical and emotional.

Leaving a toxic relationship is hard for so many reasons—emotional attachment, children, financial dependency, fear of being alone, and even safety concerns. But it’s important to bear in mind that staying in a harmful relationship will continue to hurt your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. You deserve better, and there are people and resources ready to support you on the path to freedom and healing.

It's truly a complex and deeply personal journey for those involved.

How to Start Taking Steps Toward Leaving and Leave Safely

Recognising toxic patterns. The first step involves recognising your relationship is toxic. Notice how your partner is treating you. Are they controlling, manipulative, or emotionally abusive? Do they make you feel small or unimportant? Recognising these patterns is the first step to realising you deserve better

Reach Out for Support. You don’t have to go through this alone. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or support group. There are also organisations and hotlines that can help you plan your exit safely.

Plan for Safety. Creating a safety plan if your relationship involves any type of abuse, is a top priority. Develop a plan for how you’ll leave, where you’ll go, and how you’ll keep yourself safe. Pack an emergency bag with important documents, money, and essentials in case you need to leave quickly.

Set Boundaries. Start setting emotional and physical boundaries with your partner. Limit contact where possible and don’t engage in arguments. This can help you begin to detach and protect your mental well-being. You can do this by expressing your needs to your partner calmly and assertively. For example, you might say, "I need some space to think about our relationship, so I won’t be available for discussions for a while"

Be Consistent. Once you establish boundaries, stick to them. If you allow your partner to cross those boundaries, it can undermine your efforts to regain control.

Avoid Justifications. You don’t need to justify your boundaries to your partner. Simply stating your needs is enough. For instance, you can say, "I need to take a break from talking about things that lead to arguments".

If possible, reduce the amount of time you spend together. This could mean spending time with friends or doing things that don’t involve your partner.

If you decide to leave, try to avoid any confrontations. Leave whenever your partner is away from home. Avoid fights and arguments during this time to reduce the risk of escalation.

Once you've left and there is a risk of retaliation, change your routines such as where you shop, work, or take your children to school. If necessary, consider changing your phone number and blocking your partner on social media.

Take Care of Yourself. Leaving a toxic relationship is emotionally draining. Take time to care for yourself—whether that’s through therapy, hobbies, or spending time with supportive people. Rebuilding your self-esteem is an important part of the healing process.

Healing After Leaving a Toxic Relationship

The road to recovery after leaving a toxic relationship isn't easy, but it’s absolutely worth it. Once you've decided to leave, make sure that you have allowed yourself time to heal. You might feel sadness, anger, relief, or even guilt—these emotions are all perfectly normal.

Surround yourself with positive influences and focus on rebuilding your sense of self. Healing takes time. Therapy or counselling can be incredibly helpful during this phase, giving you the tools to regain your confidence and move forward.

You've made it through the hardest part by deciding to leave; now, it's about finding your strength and move forward.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Better

No one deserves to be in a toxic relationship. While it may feel hard to leave, know that you are not alone. There are people who genuinely care about your well-being. Take small steps, reach out for support, and always remember that your happiness and safety come first.

You are worthy of love and respect. Leaving a toxic relationship is the first step toward a healthier, brighter future. You've got this.

If you would like to talk to me about your situation

email at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au

or phone on 0452 070 738