Understanding Infidelity: Why It Happens and How to Heal
Infidelity can rock the foundation of any relationship, leaving behind confusion, pain, and shattered trust. Whether you’ve been betrayed or are struggling with guilt after being unfaithful, understanding the reasons behind infidelity and finding a path forward is essential for healing, both for your relationship and yourself.
Why Does Infidelity Happen?
While each situation is unique, research I have done and my counselling experience unveiled some common patterns:
Emotional Disconnection. As you and your partner slowly drift apart emotionally, you might find yourself open to other people who can offer you validation and emotional support.
Unmet Needs. Lack of or inconsistent physical intimacy, emotional support or communication can make you look for connection outside your primary relationship.
Boundary Erosion. Affairs often begin innocently, but over time, they can lead to the gradual erosion of boundaries within your relationship.
Personal Struggles. Issues such as low self-esteem, unresolved trauma, or struggles with identity can push someone to seek validation or escape though infidelity.
Escape Mechanism. Cheating might be a way of dealing with the relationship stress or even a way of ending the relationship. It acts as a kind of self-sabotage and shifts the responsivity to end the relationship on the other partner.
Bridging the gap after betrayal.
Client Story: Sienna's Reflections on her Experience of Betrayal
Sienna had been married for ten years when she discovered her husband was cheating on her. This left her devastated, she questioned everything about her relationship and her self-worth took a massive hit.
“At first, I couldn't eat or sleep. I thought about him cheating all the time, day and night” Sienna said in one of our first sessions “It was all consuming. I never imagined I could feel such intense anger and sadness at the same time”.
We had a number of weekly sessions and Sienna gradually began processing her complex emotions. Instead of rushing to make any important decisions, she gave herself permission to fully experience her grief. She then attended couples therapy with her husband, where they had some conversations that revealed long-standing communication issues and unmet emotional needs on both sides.
“The hardest part was learning to trust again” Sienna reflected in one of our later sessions. “What helped me was setting clear boundaries and seeing consistent changes in Luke’s behaviour over time. Our therapist helped us rebuild our relationship foundation from scratch”.
Just to explain. I saw Sienna on an individual basis, she and Luke attended couples therapy when she felt ready and Luke was open to it. Sienna continued to work with me after the couples therapy ended. This was done to avoid conflict of interest).
Sienna healed in time, and they were able to rebuild their relationship. If it didn’t work out for her, we would have continued to work together to help her move forward independently.
Healing After Infidelity
If You Have Been Betrayed:
Respect Your Emotions. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions: shock, anger, sadness, confusion and grief without judging yourself.
Create a Solid Support Network. Talk to trusted friends, family members or a counsellor who can offer you emotional support, a fresh perspective and some coping strategies.
Get Back Your Control. Spend some time reflecting on what you really need and want, without rushing and pressure from others. Avoid making rushed decisions about the future of your relationship.
Set Clear Boundaries. If you are open to reconciliation, be clear about your expectations, especially around honesty, communication and rebuilding trust.
If You Have Been Unfaithful:
Accept Responsibility. Admit the impact your actions had on your partner and your family without being defensive or trying to shift blame on others or the circumstances.
Explore any Underlying Issues. Try to understand the personal and relationship issues that could have contributed to your decisions.
Demonstrate Meaningful Change. Show consistent, sustained behavioural changes rather than temporary fixes or empty promises.
Respect Their Healing Timeline. Understand that rebuilding trust follows no predetermined schedule and cannot be rushed.
Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal
Above All Be Consistent. Trust is restored through reliable, transparent behaviour which is sustained over a period of time.
Good Communication Style. Create time and space for honest conversations about needs, fears, and your future expectations without being defensive.
Professional Support. A trained therapist can provide you with structure and tools to manage difficult emotions and develop healthier coping strategies and help you make decisions for your relationship.
Be Patient With The Healing Process. Healing happens in stages. Expect setbacks but also recognise the progress you will make along the way.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a relationship ever recover from infidelity?
Yes, many relationships not only recover but grow stronger after recovering from infidelity. The key to this lies in how much both of you are committed to healing, working on any underlying issues, and rebuilding trust through ongoing efforts.
How long does recovery from infidelity take?
Healing is very different for different people and relationships. While initial intense emotions tend to stabilise between three to six months, the deeper healing process typically takes one to two years if both partners are completely committed to recovery work.
Should I confess to my partner that I cheated?
Honesty is essential if you want to have a relationship based on intimacy and trust. However, if you decide to disclose, you need to think carefully about the timing, the setting, and how you going to approach the subject. Talking to a trained counsellor can help you manage this difficult conversation in a way that minimises damage while creating a space for healing.
Is it normal to still hurt years after infidelity?
Yes, it is common to still have painful feeling years after the betrayal, especially around anniversaries or other emotional triggers. These reactions tend to decrease in frequency and intensity with healthy healing work, the goal is not to completely forget what happened but to integrate it into your life story.
Moving Forward
No matter if you decide to rebuild your relationship or start fresh, healing from infidelity is achievable. The path ahead might be difficult, but with self-reflection, honest communication, and ongoing support, you can find a way to move forward that honours your needs and values.
Looking for Compassionate Support?
If you are dealing with the impact of infidelity, seeking professional help can make all the difference and help you on your healing journey. Book a confidential session with Safe Space Counselling Services today start moving toward emotional recovery and gaining some clarity.
📧 Email: kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526
