Stonewalling in Relationships
Intimate relationships are not immune to conflicts. Conflicts are normal as long as we have healthy ways to resolve them. However, when conflicts arise and we don't have a healthy way of resolving them, problems can occur. One example is stonewalling, which is a refusal to communicate, particularly when conflict occurs. You may have experienced stonewalling as either the stonewaller or the one who is stonewalled. In relationships stonewalling, if it continues, can be very damaging, and in the most extreme scenarios, it might be a form of abuse. It is important to be able to recognise stonewalling, be aware of its impact and how to deal with it.
What is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling is a communication pattern where one partner becomes withdrawn and refuses to communicate or engage in meaningful conversation. During a conversation, they could turn away from you avoid making eye contact or even physically leave the room.
Other examples of stonewalling to watch out for include:
Walking away during an argument
Giving one- or two-word answers
Pretending to be busy or suddenly moving on to another task
Minimising your concerns
Dismissing you and ignoring your needs
Aggressive body language, like eye-rolling or scowling, sharp gestures, clenched jaw, stiff or frozen face
Giving you the silent treatment
Avoiding conversations about the problem
Not showing interest in resolving conflicts
Engaging in obsessive behaviours
Refusing to answer your questions
Deflecting and placing blame
Ignoring you
Pretending they didn't notice or hear you
Saying "I'm fine," when obviously they are not “fine”
Some people use stonewalling as a defence mechanism to avoid conflict or difficult emotions, it can happen consciously or unconsciously. When it happens, it might leave you feeling invalidated ignored and dismissed.
Impact on Relationship
Your relationship can suffer when your partner stonewalls you. Stonewalling can ruin communication between you and your partner and keep you from addressing issues or resolving disagreements. If you are the person being stonewalled, you may experience feelings of resentment, frustration and loneliness. Over time this can harm the relationship by gradually eroding your trust in the partner.
How to recognise stonewalling
You might not even be aware that stonewalling is occurring in your relationship as recognising it can be difficult. People who stonewall might not be aware of the harm they are causing either, particularly if it is unintentional. If you are worried that you might be experiencing stonewalling, start by observing your behaviours and your partner's behaviours over time. Keep track of how you both react during conversations by jotting down notes in a diary and watch out for the signs listed above.
Is stonewalling a form of abuse?
Stonewalling behaviour falls into two categories:
Unintentional stonewalling is when your partner unintentionally avoids discussing difficult or sensitive topics as a way to prevent arguments or uncomfortable situations from arising. The roots of this behaviour can lie in their feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem. In this case, stonewalling is their defence mechanism. Stonewalling can also be a learned behaviour, a tactic learned in childhood, probably from parents or caregivers, who used this behaviour to "keep the peace" or to establish dominance in the family.
And then we have intentional stonewalling, which is used purposefully and can be a tactic used by emotionally abusive or controlling partners to exploit or manipulate a situation, or as a punishment. Stonewalling allows perpetrators of abuse to exert control over their partner. This kind of stonewalling is quite toxic. It keeps the victim “on the hook” because the issue, the problem which caused the silence is still unresolved so there is still hope that it will be resolved at some point. So the victim stays believing things will get better. There will be a great deal of coercive control in this relationship with stonewalling being one of the tactics being used. There will be underlying pressure that cannot be confronted because, after all, nothing happened. In this case, stonewalling is part of the pattern in the relationship. The pattern of non-communication and lack of cooperation from the abuser who has all the power.
So, when you consider your relationship think about whether it is used intentionally or not. The extent to which stonewalling is harmful depends on your partner’s intentions.
However, when stonewalling is used purposefully to manipulate a partner or exploit a situation, it becomes a form of abusive behaviour. It is often accompanied by other forms of emotional abuse, like gaslighting, to gain more control in the relationship. This behaviour is sometimes referred to as narcissistic stonewalling.
Distinguishing Stonewalling from Other Behaviours
To understand the impact of stonewalling and effectively address it, it is important to differentiate it from similar behaviours such as gaslighting, fighting and playing the victim. Stonewalling, gaslighting, fighting and playing the victim all impact communication patterns in relationships and create emotional distance.
Silent treatment and stonewalling imply a lack of interest in communication which can cause feelings of hurt and rejection. One of the differences is that stonewalling usually represents a longer-lasting behavioural pattern while silent treatment results from a temporary reaction to a specific situation. Stonewalling typically entails a purposeful avoidance of communication while in the silent treatment, this might not always be the case.
Gaslighting refers to the act of manipulating someone's perception of reality to create self-doubt and confusion. On the other hand, stonewalling may create emotional distance but it does not typically involve a calculated manipulation of the other person's reality.
Engaging in heated arguments or fighting, often aims to "win" or assert dominance. This can lead to tension and emotional distance as both of you may feel unheard or misunderstood. However, stonewalling, which involves a lack of communication, does not have the same aggressive confrontational nature as fighting.
Lastly, claiming victim status involves using personal struggles or difficulties to seek sympathy or avoid taking responsibility. This can cause resentment and frustration in the other person, who may feel that their concerns are being dismissed or minimised. In contrast, stonewalling may hinder the expression of needs and emotions, but it does not involve exploiting own experiences or emotions to manipulate the conversation.
Stonewalling and silent treatment
Silent treatment can be considered manipulation depending on the intention behind it. Ignoring someone for an extended period after an argument can be damaging to a relationship, as it leaves the other person feeling confused and hurt.
On the other hand, taking a break to cool down during a disagreement is a healthier approach.
The Damage of Stonewalling in Relationships
Stonewalling can cause serious damage to your relationship, both in the long and short term.
Breakdown in Communication
In a relationship, when one of you stops talking and refuses to communicate with the other, it becomes impossible to resolve conflicts or address any issues. It can lead to a breakdown in communication and create a lack of understanding of where the other person is coming from. You might feel emotionally distant and detached from each other, which will impact your closeness and intimacy and create a sense of isolation.
Emotional Disconnection
Stonewalling creates emotional distance in a relationship. When your partner avoids talking with you, you will feel discarded, unseen, or unvalued. It can lead you to feel bitter, hurt, detached, and emotionally disconnected from each other.
Escalation of Conflicts
Avoiding meaningful communication often happens during conflicts, but this can make things worse. When one person stops communicating, the other may become more aggravated and try to provoke a response, resulting in a cycle of escalation, which can lead to more serious conflicts and harm the relationship in the long term.
Decreased problem-solving
When your partner stonewalls you, it becomes impossible to effectively resolve any issues that you have or make decisions as a couple.
Negative Impact on Mental Health
Stonewalling can negatively affect your mental health, for both of you - the person who is stonewalling and the person on the receiving end of it. For the person avoiding communication, it can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety. For those who are experiencing it can cause feelings of rejection, loneliness, and frustration, which can contribute to depression and anxiety.
Relationship dissatisfaction
Stonewalling can contribute to overall dissatisfaction in the relationship, potentially leading to separation or divorce.
What can you do if you realise you are stonewalling your partner?
It's important to recognise how your actions affect your nearest and dearest and be willing to make adjustments to strengthen your relationship. Taking responsibility for your actions without blaming your partner is the first step towards achieving this. Take a moment to reflect on the occasions when you may have avoided communicating with your partner and think about your motives and actions. Think about how your partner may have felt. It can help you gain perspective and allow you to look for ways to change your responses and behaviours.
Work on improving your listening skills when you talk to your partner. Instead of turning your conversation into a contest or trying to prove your point, look at them as opportunities to solve your problems together as a couple. Don't hesitate to express your feelings openly and honestly. Being vulnerable and talking about your emotions, including why you feel a certain way, can improve communication between you and your partner.
Dealing with Stonewalling in Your Relationships
To maintain a healthy connection with each other you should address the stonewalling.
Recognise the Warning Signs
Observe the communication patterns between the two of you and notice when either one of you withdraws or avoids conversations. When you are aware of these signs it can help you address the issue before it gets worse.
Take a Breather
It's okay to take a break when a conversation becomes overwhelming, and you or your partner begin to shut down. Tell your partner that you need some time to collect your thoughts and process your emotions before returning to the conversation. This can prevent stonewalling and enable a more constructive conversation.
Learn how to practice active listening
Active listening is key to effective communication. It helps you focus on understanding your partner's perspective and truly listen to what they are trying to say. This approach can help you and your partner avoid emotional shutdowns and defensive reactions that lead to communication breakdowns.
Learn to use “I” statements
Instead of using accusatory "you" statements, try using "I" statements to express what you feel. For example, say "I feel unheard when we talk" rather than "You never listen to me." This can prevent the other person from getting defensive and encourage open communication.
Seek counselling
If you find yourself facing stonewalling in your relationship regularly, it may be helpful to seek professional help. A therapist can assist both you and your partner in identifying the root causes of stonewalling and provide effective strategies to address and prevent it.
A skilled counsellor or therapist can help you develop effective communication techniques and offer emotional support while addressing the underlying emotional issues that may contribute to the stonewalling behaviour.
If you think the stonewalling in your relationship is a form of abuse, or if you are wondering if it is actually abusive behaviour, it is even more important to seek help from a counsellor who is experienced in working with this issue. By seeking the help of a therapist who specialises in emotional abuse, you can receive personalised support tailored to your specific needs.
Online directories or your GP can help you find a qualified professional in your area. Taking this first step is vital. Counselling can help you with processing your experience. You might also not be aware or have forgotten what a healthy relationship looks like. You can work out with your therapist what you want in a relationship and what constitutes a healthy relationship. A skilled therapist can help you develop better communication skills. Eventually, when you feel ready to move forward, you will have the necessary tools to build better relationships in the future.
And lastly
It is important to realise that you are not responsible for fixing the stonewalling behaviour of your partner. You may play a role in how the situation develops, for example, frequently compromising or always addressing the conflict, which leads to co-dependency and enables the stonewaller to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
If breaking from the stonewalling cycle is challenging, seek help from a registered counsellor. They can help you develop more effective communication strategies and conflict-resolution approaches.
If you suspect that you are in an abusive relationship, it's essential to reach out to a registered counsellor specialising in this field or domestic violence.
Stonewalling, if it is ignored in a relationship, can have serious long-term repercussions. It can lead to feelings of frustration and isolation for both of you as communication deteriorates. Any communication breakdown prevents you from solving problems promptly, causing issues to accumulate until both of you feel overwhelmed and dissatisfied in the relationship.
Ultimately, stonewalling will erode trust between the two of you over time, and will make you less inclined to be open and vulnerable with each other.
Can I encourage my partner to engage in open communication if they keep stonewalling me?
Encouraging your partner to talk openly about what is going on with them is hugely important in a relationship. Remind your partner of the benefits of honest conversations and how stonewalling creates distance between you. Tell them that their feelings are valid and that it's important to work through any issues together. Create a safe space for them to open up by showing empathy through your actions and words. You can do this through your body language, maintaining soft eye contact, and offering comforting gestures like a hug or a gentle touch on the arm. Physical closeness can promote relaxation. Remember to listen actively and without judgment, making sure they feel heard and understood. Open communication will strengthen your bond and resolve conflicts more successfully.
Can I rebuild trust and intimacy after a period of stonewalling?
Absolutely! It may feel like a daunting task, but with open and honest communication, you can rebuild what was lost. Take the time to sit down with your partner and talk about what is going on in your relationship. Creating a safe space for both of you to express your emotions and actively listen to each other is key. Show your unwavering support, especially during difficult conversations, to let your partner know their thoughts and feelings matter. Respecting each other's boundaries and engaging in activities that bring joy can also help strengthen your bond and rebuild trust.
To address stonewalling in a relationship, it's important to understand its root causes. Often, it arises from a fear of being vulnerable or an inability to communicate effectively. In some instances, it may be linked to past traumas or negative experiences that make one partner hesitant to open up.
Stonewalling can be a form of emotional abuse, which undermines your self-worth, emotional well-being, and sense of security. Repeatedly using stonewalling as a pattern of behaviour in relationships can lead to increased anxiety, uncertainty, and depression.
Healthy relationships are built on open communication, mutual respect, and empathy, and any form of abuse, including passive-aggressive behaviours like stonewalling, should never be tolerated. However, stonewalling doesn't have to remain unresolved. By actively working to understand its underlying causes and taking proactive steps to rebuild trust and intimacy with your partner, both of you can work together to build a healthier and more satisfying relationship. This may involve seeking the assistance of a therapist or counsellor, practising open and honest communication, and working together to create a safe and supportive environment where both partners can freely express themselves.
Reading list:
4 Conflict Styles that Hurt Your Relationship from The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-conflict-styles-that-hurt-your-relationship/
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
Love Sense by Sue Johnson
Stonewalling: How It Damages Relationships & 6 Tips for Overcoming by T. Ranger (2022). Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stonewalling
