When Love Hurts: Understanding Trauma Bonding
When you think about bonding you might think of forming a close connection with someone, which is generally seen as a positive thing. After all, it's a central part of how we interact with each other as humans. But there is another kind of bonding, trauma bonding, which is a more destructive type of connection. Here, abusive behaviour is followed by expressions of love and care, and this is how a trauma bond is created.
So let's take a closer look at what exactly trauma bonding is, how and why it happens, signs that might indicate that you are experiencing trauma bonding, and how to seek support.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
A trauma bond is, most simply put, a connection formed by someone who is being abused to their abuser where they start to feel sympathy or love for their abuser. This bond can develop over days, weeks, or months. This intense attachment can form in various relationships—romantic, family, friendships, or even work connections.
In relationships where trauma bonds exist, there may also be physical or sexual abuse.
Who Is at Risk of Trauma Bonding?
Perpetrators often target individuals who have experienced emotional and relationship trauma. They often focus on people who are strong, ambitious, educated, and independent because it gives them a sense of power when they manipulate and weaken their victims.
However, some people are more at risk of being targeted. People who were abused as children are at a higher risk of forming trauma bonds. Think about caregivers – those who raised us, shaped our early experiences and influenced how we view relationships. If your caregiver was inconsistent, neglectful, or even abusive you will fear them, right? Well, this fear can lead to what psychologists call a ‘disorganised attachment style.’ Essentially, it affects how we form connections in our adult relationships.
But wait, there’s more! Other factors can contribute to ‘trauma bonding.’ Think of people with dependent personalities – they’re more prone to it. Then some value enjoyable experiences and easily forgive others. They’re also at risk. And let’s not forget people who’ve faced abuse in childhood or past relationships. They’re part of this too.
Now, imagine someone who suffers from low self-esteem and always doubt themselves. Yep, they’re on the list. Mental health issues like depression, BPD, and anxiety? Check. Struggling with separation anxiety? That’s another factor. And finally, people who get hurt easily by rejection – they’re in the mix too.
Here’s the twist: Trauma bond survivors often recognise the harm they’re experiencing. They feel the pain and damage caused by their relationship. But sometimes, acknowledging it as abuse becomes a struggle. It’s like their perception gets tangled up.
So, what’s the deal with trauma bonding? Well, it usually starts innocently but over time, it morphs into something darker, even abusive. And that shift messes with how the victim sees the world, understands reality, and relates to themselves. Quite a journey, right?
It has been suggested that there are seven phases of trauma bonding, each marked by a unique set of behaviours and emotions, which contribute to the cycle of suffering found in abusive relationships. The good news is that it is possible to break a trauma bond, particularly when you understand the stages and their impact on you and your relationship.
Understanding Trauma Bonding: Navigating the Emotional Tug-of-War
Trauma bonding is like a twisted dance—a connection that forms between you and someone who treats you badly. It’s important to be able to recognise these stages, even though they don’t always unfold in a neat sequence.
Stage 1: Idealisation or Love Bombing
Imagine this: You meet someone, and they shower you with compliments and attention. It feels intoxicating—like a warm embrace for your soul. But here’s the catch: this person is also subtly weaving their web around you. They’re building a bond through love bombing—a tactic where they overwhelm you with praise to create dependency. It’s like emotional glue, sticking you to them.
Stage 2: Trust and Dependency
Now the dance shifts. The abuser toggles between affection and cruelty. They’re testing your trust, pushing boundaries. You start relying on their approval and affection, even when it hurts. It’s a delicate balance—you question their actions, but they make you feel guilty for doing so. When you try to confront them, you may face backlash for not appreciating everything they have done for you. Enter stage 3.
Stage 3: Criticism and Devaluation
After the initial idealisation stage, their behaviour shifts. They begin to criticise, devalue, or insult you. This leaves you feeling bewildered, doubting yourself, and questioning your worth. During this stage, confusion and self-doubt take hold, leading you to believe that, to some extent, you are responsible for the abuse.
The ongoing criticism crushes your self-esteem and makes you believe that you don’t deserve their love and respect.
You’ll recognise this stage by the heated arguments or disagreements when the abuser blames you, and makes you apologise for things that aren’t your fault.
This constant cycle of stark criticism followed by apologies forms the glue that binds the trauma bond.
Stage 4: Manipulation & Gaslighting
Manipulation and gaslighting are forms of psychological abuse that help to form trauma bonds. They sow doubt in your mind about your reality and perception.
Recognising gaslighting is important. Gaslighters deflect blame and never fully accept responsibility. Even after pushing someone to their breaking point, they remain calm and connected. If you fight back, it often results in further abuse, which leads to the next stage.
Stage 5: Resignation and Acceptance
In this phase, you tend to adjust to your circumstances and see your experiences as part of life now. You hope that by not responding you can avoid further conflicts. You develop coping strategies, like pretending the abuse isn’t real, making excuses for their behaviour, or even convincing yourself that you somehow deserve this treatment. This behaviour is a response to trauma, an attempt to maintain some semblance of stability in the relationship, but what is the price for it?
Stage 6: Loss of Self
When someone experiences abuse, manipulation, or gaslighting, it deeply impacts their sense of self. Imagine feeling disconnected from your own emotions, desires, and identity—trapped in a relentless cycle of trauma bonding with seemingly no escape. This stage is marked by overwhelming emotional distress and inner turmoil.
As the trauma bond progresses through various stages, you will gradually lose your self-perception. You will become detached from your usual surroundings, your inner compass is shattered. When you finally break free from your relationships you might emerge changed, grappling with the loss of your former selves and the erosion of personal boundaries. The psychological scars run deep and leave you with a void of self-confidence, often accompanied by shame and guilt that hinder your healing journey.
Stage 7: Enmeshment
Enmeshment is the final stage of trauma bonding. Here, you become deeply entangled with your abuser. Imagine blurred boundaries between you and the person causing you harm, making it difficult to distinguish your own identity from the toxic relationship.
These stages often cycle. After a major conflict, there might be a brief period of calm or reconciliation. During this respite, they might apologise and shower you with affection, providing you with momentary comfort. Yet, this only reinforces your dependence on your abuser. Or, the abuser may withdraw completely, withholding love, care, and attention to manipulate or coerce you into apologising.
Understanding these seven stages can help you recognise signs of an abusive relationship and might prompt you to take steps to protect yourself.
Impact of These Stages on the Brain
There is research that shows that going through a traumatic event can be too much for the brain to handle and can lead to biological changes and stress reactions. These may include PTSD, mental health problems, substance misuse, and hormonal changes to name a few.
Other effects of trauma on the brain may include:
Developing chronic conditions
Displaying clear signs of emotional distress, like feeling extreme anxiety
Experiencing internal reactions, like feeling disconnected or detached from reality
Feeling tired all the time
Having trouble concentrating
Struggling with sleep issues, having nightmares or suffering from insomnia
Fear of the problem coming back
Having sudden and vivid memories of a traumatic event
Avoiding situations or things related to the trauma
The Role of Intermittent Rewards
Abusers manipulate their victims by using intermittent reinforcement to create emotional attachment
Imagine a relationship where things swing like a pendulum. Sometimes it’s all sunshine and rainbows – compliments, laughter, and shared moments. Other times, it’s like walking on eggshells – criticism, anger, and uncertainty. This emotional rollercoaster keeps you guessing, trying to please your partner and avoid any missteps.
But here’s the twist: occasionally, your partner throws in a reward. Maybe a hug, a sweet gesture, or a kind word when you do what you are told. It’s like a carrot dangling in front of you, reinforcing the cycle. It makes you feel trapped, emotionally invested, and you find it hard to break free.
Being aware of this pattern is important. It’s like deciphering a secret code. Once you crack it, you can escape the cycle, seek support, and heal. You deserve better.
Justification and Rationalisation
When you are trauma-bonded with someone, you may feel the need to justify and defend their behaviour. This is a common coping strategy that helps you make sense of what is happening to you and maintain a connection with your abuser. There are two ways you may attempt to rationalise and explain the abuse: cognitive dissonance and self-deception and denial.
Cognitive Dissonance
Imagine you’re sitting in a cozy room, sipping your favourite beverage. On one side of your mind, there’s a belief that your abuser genuinely loves you. They smile at you, say sweet things, and sometimes even bring you flowers. But then, on the other side, there’s a different idea—a harsh reality. You know their actions hurt you and leave scars on your heart. They yell, manipulate, and control. It’s like having two conflicting radio stations playing simultaneously—one soothing, the other jarring.
In this emotional tug-of-war, you find yourself minimising the pain. Maybe you tell yourself, “They didn’t mean it,” or “I must have done something to provoke them”. You overlook the bruises, both physical and emotional, because acknowledging them would mean facing an uncomfortable reality.
And then there’s self-deception—the art of turning a blind eye to evidence that contradicts what you desperately want to believe. You see the red flags—the arguments, the controlling behaviour—but you brush them aside. “Maybe they’re just stressed,” you convince yourself. You become an expert at justifying their actions, like a lawyer arguing for the innocence of a guilty client. “They had a tough childhood,” you reason, hoping that love can heal their wounds.
But here’s the twist: you blame yourself. You think, “If only I were better, more patient, more understanding, I could change them.” It’s like trying to mould a stone into a soft pillow—you exhaust yourself, hoping that your love will reshape them. And all the while, you’re trapped in this emotional labyrinth, unable to see the exit sign that says: “Seek support”.
That exit sign is your support system—the friends who know your heart, the family who sees through your brave face. But trauma bonding, and the abuser, whisper: “Cut them off”. So you distance yourself, fearing judgment or disappointment. You feel responsible for the chaos. And the abuser? They play their part too—belittling your loved ones, issuing threats, and creating a fortress of fear around you.
So, there you are, caught in the web of cognitive dissonance. It’s not just a psychological term; it’s a battle within. The clash of beliefs—the love you crave versus the pain you endure—echoes through your mind. And as you sip that tea, you wonder if someday, somehow, you’ll find harmony between those conflicting stations.
Coping with Emotional Isolation in Abusive Relationships
As the emotional connection between the victim and their abuser deepens, feelings of isolation intensify.
The trauma bond, fuelled by your experiences and vulnerability, tightens its grip. You become emotionally entangled with your abuser, feeling trapped. The abuser employs various tactics to isolate you. It might be physically relocating you or restricting your communication with friends and family. Your support network becomes inaccessible, leaving you feeling even more alone.
Over time, you will become more dependent on your abuser. You will withdraw from activities and relationships that once brought you joy. This further reinforces the trauma bond, making it harder to break free.
Resistance and Awakening
Recognising the Pattern
To understand the pattern, first, look at the actions of the abuser. This could include instances of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. You may also notice they try to manipulate and control you. Once you recognise these behaviours, you can see how they affect your life.
Struggling Against the Emotional Bond
The next step involves resisting the emotional connection. This can be quite challenging, as you might experience conflicting emotions about ending the relationship with the abuser. Feelings of guilt, shame, and fear about the future may also arise.
To break free from an unhealthy relationship, it’s vital to have a support system such as friends, family members, or a therapist who can help and encourage you. Try to establish clear boundaries with the abuser—for instance, refuse to engage in arguments or leave the room if it’s safe to do so when they become abusive.
Healing and Recovery
If you’ve experienced trauma bonding, know that healing and recovery are possible. It may require effort and time, but it’s achievable.
Take proactive steps to address the negative patterns in your relationship. This could involve setting boundaries, seeking professional support, or even leaving the relationship altogether.
Acknowledge the trauma bands. Recognising trauma bonding can be difficult, and it may not happen quickly. Be patient with yourself as you work through it.
The next step is rebuilding your self-esteem and regaining independence. Acknowledge your own needs and desires, and learn to trust yourself again.
Boosting Your Confidence and Independence: Practical Tips
Take Care of Yourself. It’s like giving your car a tune-up! Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient rest are essential. When you feel good physically, it positively impacts your self-confidence.
Set Goals. Imagine you’re on a treasure hunt. Goals give you direction and purpose. Whether it’s acing that presentation at work or learning a new hobby, having targets keeps you motivated.
Find Joy in Hobbies. Think of hobbies as your secret superpowers. Whether it’s painting, gardening, or playing the ukulele, these activities recharge your spirit. Plus, they’re fun!
Choose Your Squad Wisely. Surround yourself with cheerleaders, not critics. Supportive friends and family lift you up. They’re like your personal fan club, cheering you on even during life’s toughest moments.
Therapy Matters. Therapy isn’t just for TV characters. It’s a lifeline for survivors. Trauma-focused therapy can be a game-changer. Remember that healing isn’t linear, and it’s okay to seek professional help.
The Leaving Dance: Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t a one-step process. It’s more like two steps forward, one step back so be patient with yourself. The urge to return might pull you but keep dancing toward healing.
Final Thoughts
Navigating trauma bonding can feel like riding a rollercoaster through intense highs and devastating lows within an abusive relationship. You might find yourself trapped, isolated, and questioning your own worth, prolonging your stay in the toxic dynamic. However, there is hope. Breaking free from a trauma bond is possible with the right support.
You deserve safety, healing, and a life free from abuse. If you’re ready to seek professional assistance, choose a therapist who understands the complexities of trauma bonds and can provide tailored support.
You Are Not Alone
If you are ready to talk, you can contact me at:
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au or call me on 0452 285 526.
