Parents Estranged from Adult Children
The breakdown of relationships between parents and their grown children presents a challenging and often misinterpreted issue. Both parties experience anguish from this situation. This article examines the roots of estrangement, its impact, and potential avenues for reconciliation. I am aware that every case has unique aspects, and no single approach works to mend these strained bonds but gaining insight can be the initial step towards healing.
Understanding Parental Estrangement
"Parental estrangement" is the deterioration or severance of the connection between a parent and their adult offspring. This phenomenon manifests in various ways. It might involve a total break in communication, limited communication with emotional detachment, or a distant relationship. Parents and children can grow apart due to unresolved problems, poor communication, hurtful actions, different values, family changes like divorce or mental health issues.
Key things to keep in mind:
Parent-child estrangement happens more often than you'd guess.
It stems from long-time problems.
Any family can face this, regardless of their background or status.
Both parents and grown-up children find it painful.
It's not always permanent; reconciliation can happen with time, patience, and understanding.
The Emotional Toll on Parents and Children
Being cut off from a parent or a child takes an emotional toll that goes deep. Parents might experience grief and sadness. They could also have feelings of guilt, shame, and regret. Grown-up kids can feel just as intense. They may experience anger, resentment, or disappointment toward their parents. Sometimes, they might also feel abandoned, which can cause problems with self-worth and difficulty trusting others. It's important to acknowledge these feelings as they are a vital part of the healing process.
Common Causes of Estrangement
Knowing why parents and children become estranged can help find a way to reconciliation.
Common causes of parental estrangement:
Clashing expectations. Parents and children often see their roles and responsibilities differently.
Breakups or family problems. Unresolved conflicts or harmful behaviours can lead to tension and emotional separation between parents and children. These issues can create divides that may result in estrangement.
Life choices. Clashing values or ways of living can spark conflicts. These choices might involve different religious beliefs political stances, job paths, or sexual or gender identities.
Abuse or neglect. Sometimes, cutting ties stems from past harm or neglect. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse as well as controlling actions, can lead grown children to distance themselves to protect their wellbeing.
Mental health struggles. When either parents or adult children face mental health issues, it can put pressure on their bond and result in a rift if left unattended.
Navigating the Complexities of Reconciliation
Bringing families back together after parents and children have grown apart isn't easy. You need to be patient, try to understand each other, and be ready to deal with some difficult feelings. The biggest challenge is making the first step. This can be daunting when you haven't talked for a long time, so please be careful when you take this step. The aim here is to start talking again not to fix everything right away. But most of all, both of you need to be willing to put in time and effort to make it work.
The goal is to open a line of communication, not to resolve all issues at once.
Getting in Touch: What to Do and What Not to Do
When you reach out to an adult child you've lost touch with, keep these things in mind:
Do approach them with humility and openness.
Don't demand immediate reconciliation or forgiveness.
Do acknowledge past mistakes and express a desire to make amends.
Don't place blame or make accusations.
Common Mistakes Estranged Parents Make
Guilt-tripping
Some parents have sporadic communication or have no contact at all with their adult children. When parents feel upset about the estrangement, they might say things that make fixing the relationship harder. Think carefully about what you want to say to your child.
Don’t try to make your adult child feel bad if you believe they're not fulfilling their obligations. If you ask, "Why haven't you called me in three months?" you will push your child further away.
Your adult children might stop talking to you for many reasons, there might be something about being around you that might be difficult for them. Making them feel guilty can make them feel that you are putting pressure on them at a time in their life when they need space.
Fighting Fire with Fire
Parents and adult children often fall into bad communication habits such as being offensive, disrespectful, or unkind. When your adult child gets mad at you, try not to respond with anger. Staying calm and rational can help repair your relationship faster.
Thinking That Reconciliation Should Be Quick and Easy
In relationships you want things to be balanced and fair. But when adult children cut you off, you might feel that they have more control over the situation which is unfair.
When our children are little, we call the shots and make the rules. As they get older though, we need to treat them like adults and respect their freedom to make their own decisions. Sometimes it is hard especially when you believe they are making the wrong decisions and you think you need to protect them.
As a parent, you and improve the odds of patching things up by getting better at communication, showing your child respect, and owning up to your part in the falling out.
On average, estrangements with adult offspring last about 4.5 years. They bring lots of uncertainty and strong emotions which can affect your body and mind. While you can't control when or how you'll make up with your child, you can try some form of self-care to help you manage your feelings. You can do this by setting up a daily routine, doing breathing exercises, keeping an eye on your sleep, food, and water intake, and staying in touch with others.
Thinking Your Children's Distant Behaviour is All About You
It hurts when your kid cuts you off, and this might stem from problems in your relationship. If they are ready to speak to you and want to address some issues give them space and listen. Try not to get defensive.
There also might be other factors driving their choice; factors that are not all about you. They might be facing their stressors and responsibilities that have nothing to do with you. They might not have the mental bandwidth to have complicated conversations at this point.
Communication Strategies to Mend the Rift
Good communication plays a key role in fixing broken bonds. This means talking, listening, understanding, and acknowledging each other's feelings.
Start by sharing your own emotions without pointing fingers. Use "I" statements to avoid sounding like you're laying blame and try to see things from their perspective. You don't need to agree with them on all points but show them some understanding.
Remember, healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and your child. It's fine to take breaks and give each other space if you need it.
The Role of Boundaries in Rebuilding Relationships
Setting boundaries is key to fixing broken relationships. They help people talk and heal. Setting boundaries means spelling out what's okay and what's not in a relationship. It's a way to show respect for each other and set limits.
In a situation where you are estranged from your child, boundaries help to navigate difficult conversations. You can agree beforehand on what topics are off-limits or you can decide on specific times to talk about touchy issues. You can also agree to refrain from certain actions or behaviours that can lead to conflict or hurt feelings.
It's key to remember that boundaries are not meant to control or punish the other person. Instead, they should help establish a safe and respectful environment that promotes healing and growth.
Helpful Things to Do Before Attempting Reconciliation
There's something you should know as the estranged parent. While some adult child-parent estrangements are initiated by parents (around 12 per cent), most are initiated by adult children. If you are serious about resolving issues with your child, you may initially feel uncomfortable because it might feel like they have all the power but give your child a chance to come around to a point, when they are ready to talk to you.
Why do you want to reconnect with your estranged child?
Parents have lots of reasons to seek reconciliation just like adult children have their reasons to become estranged in the first place. You decide how you want to handle the situation. Do you miss your child and want to build a relationship with them again? Do you regret not getting to know them better in the past?
Or are you embarrassed about how the public rift reflects on your parenting? Are you seeking to reconnect to see your grandchild or grandchildren, believing you have a right to be in their lives? Do you need something from your adult child now that you didn't before? Or would you like to fix some mistakes from the past?
Let go of your defences and excuses.
Understandably, you feel defensive - rejection and distance are painful, but you must find a way to move to a neutral place and begin with acceptance. Any defensive reactions or justifications you provide - like insisting you weren't that bad, that you did your best, or had reasons for your parenting decisions - will only make your adult child believe even more strongly that you can't listen or change.
Be prepared to hear what your child has to say.
As discussions about parental estrangement become more common, one widespread misconception is the idea of an adult child cutting off contact without explanation.
There is also a misconception that a therapist may have influenced the adult child to sever ties with their parents. While there may be cases where an adult child abruptly cuts off contact or is persuaded by a therapist, these instances are not that common. Children typically take years or even decades to decide to estrange themselves. They often communicate their grievances to their parents before reaching this conclusion. However, if their concerns are frequently dismissed or minimised, leading to feelings of being unheard and unseen, they might decide to reduce contact with you.
Ultimately, after repeated attempts at communication are met with defensiveness or invalidation, the adult child may decide to cut off contact with their parents, feeling that further discussions are futile.
Set aside your belief that there are always two sides to every situation.
From your adult child's perspective, you had the power to impose your opinions throughout your childhood, and if you want to mend your relationship, you need to stop doing that.
Many estranged parents often speak about "two sides to every story" either to explain themselves or defend their actions, but this attitude dismisses what your child is trying to communicate.
Consider what you believe a parent deserves from their child.
These beliefs can hinder progress in fixing your relationship. Thinking that a parent deserves respect no matter how they have behaved can hinder reconciliation efforts, as can insisting that your version of events is the truth just because you are the parent.
Your adult child is more likely to think that respect must be earned. If you are in a committed relationship your partner must agree with this as well, as it could cause issues in your efforts to reconcile if they do not support you.
Seeking Professional Help
Individual and Family Therapy
Sometimes it can be helpful to seek professional help when dealing with issues related to being estranged from an adult child. Therapists and support groups can offer advice, resources, and a confidential environment to talk about your feelings.
Therapists can help you improve communication, offer ways to resolve conflicts and provide an understanding of how families interact. They can also support you in coping with the emotional effects of being estranged from family members.
Family therapy can help mend broken relationships by offering a safe environment for open conversations led by a trained therapist. The therapist can identify behaviour patterns that contributed to the rift and suggest ways to improve communication. It also encourages each person to see things from the other's point of view, paving the way to empathy, forgiveness, and the possibility of reconciliation.
Support Groups
Support groups can be helpful for people experiencing parental estrangement as they offer a sense of community and understanding. It can take some time to find the right support group. You can begin by searching online forums, social media groups, local community centres, religious organisations or seek recommendations from therapists or counsellors. Everyone's experience with estrangement is different, so finding a support system that best fits one's needs is important.
Remember that reconciliation is a process.
Despite popular beliefs, the current relationship dynamics between you and your adult child have been shaped by years of (mis)communication. It's likely that if your adult child is open to reconnecting, there will be set boundaries and restrictions in place. This is a difficult but realistic fact to consider.
Moving Forward: Forgiveness, Patience, and Growth
Forgiveness Helps You Heal
Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or excusing harmful actions. It's about letting go of resentment and anger. Forgiveness takes time. You can make progress in small steps; with each step, you move closer toward forgiveness and therefore healing.
Setting Realistic Expectations to Reconcile
Many estranged parents wish to reconcile, but they need to set reasonable expectations. Reconciliation doesn't mean going back to the old ways. Rather, it entails creating a new relationship based on respect and understanding while recognising and accepting the past before moving forward.
Remember, reconciliation might not always be possible or helpful in every situation.
Personal Growth and Change
Coping with family estrangement gives you a chance for personal development. It helps you to understand yourself better and evolve as a person. You might discover new ways to handle tough situations or gain insight into your emotions. This could also mean setting boundaries and getting better at talking to others. Tough times often lead to growth. Take this experience and use it to become stronger and more adaptable as a person.
If you would like to talk about your experience of being estranged from your child, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me via email
kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au or call me on 0452 285 526
