Breaking Free from People-Pleasing Habits: Embracing Your Worth
Have you ever found yourself bending over backwards to make other people happy - friends, colleagues at work, teachers as a child or other parents t school as a parent? It might be helpful to distinguish between being polite and boing a people-pleaser. Politeness is a wonderful trait, people-pleasing often means putting other people’s needs before yours leading to self-sacrifice. While being kind and helpful is commendable, it can leave you feeling drained, under-appreciated and frustrated by others’ inability to recognise your efforts.
Let's look what may be driving your people-pleasing behaviour, how it can lead to burnout, and how it may keep you locked in toxic dynamics - especially in relationship dynamics.
Why Do People Become People-Pleasers?
People-pleasing often comes from a deep desire to be loved and accepted. Many people engage in this behaviour because they want to be liked or because they struggle with confrontation and fear conflict.
This tendency can start in childhood, especially if you grew up in an environment where love and attention were conditional. For instance, you might have learned that being "the good one" helped you get the attention you wanted, or you may have felt the need to keep the peace to avoid fights in the family. Over time, this can lead to the belief that your value comes from how well you meet other people's needs.
People-pleasing is also closely related to something called anxious attachment. If you didn’t feel safe or consistently loved as a child, you might have started putting others first, hoping it would make you feel secure or needed. This can create a fear of rejection or abandonment, which makes it hard to express your own needs in different types of relationships - whether they are romantic, at work, or among friends.
It’s essential to understand that everyone's childhood experiences are different and complex. While some children may learn to please others to earn love or attention, not everyone responds this way. Many factors, like parental expectations, attachment styles, and individual personalities, influence how children build their relationships. Recognising this complexity can help you see that your behaviours aren’t just about your worth but are often learned responses to specific situations.
Think, for example, of a child who learns to be quiet and compliant and try to not upset his parents because he believes that in order to be loved he must keep the peace in the family. This behaviour can continue into adulthood and lead them to say yes to every request at work, even when they feel overwhelmed, just to feel accepted or appreciated.
Understanding these patterns is an important step towards healing and setting healthier boundaries in your relationships.
Putting others first can leave you feeling scattered.
The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing
At first, trying to please everyone may seem like a harmless endeavour. After all, who doesn’t enjoy being liked? In the long run, however, constantly striving to meet everyone's expectations can lead to exhaustion, perfectionism and even resentment. If you are constantly catering to the wishes of others, you may lose sight of your own needs. Eventually, this can lead to you neglecting your own self-care, leaving you both emotionally and physically drained.
A word about people-pleasing in the context of perfectionism. If your self-worth depends on how well you fulfil the expectations of others, you may strive to do everything perfectly. However, perfection is an unattainable goal, and striving for it can make you feel inadequate, no matter how hard you try.
For example, imagine you're working on a project at your job. Instead of focusing on doing your best, you worry about whether everyone will be happy with the outcome. You may spend hours revising every detail because you fear that even a small mistake could disappoint your boss or colleagues. Even after you've submitted the project, you wonder if you've done enough. This relentless pressure to achieve "perfection" can leave you feeling stressed and drained, even though you've already gone above and beyond.
People-Pleasing and Abusive Relationships
The act of pleasing others isn't limited to casual interactions; it can also make you more vulnerable to becoming entangled in abusive or toxic relationships. Your generous nature may be exploited by your partner if you avoid conflict or have a hard time saying "no." Let’s explore some of the ways this vulnerability can manifest:
Manipulation and Control
In abusive situations, partners often take advantage of your desire to please others. Your fear of conflict or being rejected can be used against you, resulting in manipulation. Abusers may use guilt or gaslighting to convince you that putting your own needs first is selfish and wrong. Phrases like, "If you really cared about me, you would do this" can make you feel guilty and submissive, making it difficult to set your own boundaries. Imagine having a partner who frequently makes subtle comments about how much they sacrifice. You say, "I always put your needs first, but it seems like you don't care about me". That kind of thing Guilt can cause you to question your feelings and prioritise your partner's needs over your own, trapping you in a vicious cycle of complacency and emotional distress.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Many people who seek to please others struggle to set healthy boundaries because they fear disappointing others or creating tension. This struggle can result in tolerating harmful behaviours in the hope that your efforts to please your partner will improve the relationship. However, without well-defined boundaries, you may find yourself in a cycle where your partner continues to test your limits, reinforcing their control over you and intensifying your feelings of inadequacy.
Co-dependency and Trauma Bonding
People-pleasers are particularly prone to forming co-dependent relationships in which their self-esteem is closely tied to their partner's happiness. In abusive dynamics, this can lead to a trauma bond - a strong emotional connection to someone who causes you pain. You may feel the urge to give more and more, hoping that your efforts will earn you love and recognition. This cycle of abuse is often punctuated by fleeting moments of kindness, making it even more difficult to extricate yourself from the relationship.
People-Pleasing in Other Areas of Life
The tendency to please others is not just limited to romantic relationships; it can also extend to friendships, work places, and even responsibilities like being a school parent. Here’s how this behaviour can show up in your life:
Friendships
In friendships, you may take on the role of “fixer.” You are always there for your friends and are happy to lend a hand, even when it becomes uncomfortable or emotionally stressful for you. Over time, this type of dynamic can feel one-sided and leave you feeling unappreciated or even taken advantage of. As these emotions build, it may become increasingly difficult to express your feelings because you may fear that voicing your concerns will upset your friends or disrupt the existing relationship.
Workplace
In the work environment, constantly trying to please others can lead to negative consequences such as burnout and dissatisfaction. You may often feel the urge to take on more work, even when you are already overloaded. Staying late to help a colleague meet a deadline or agreeing to take on responsibilities outside of your job description can become the norm. Even though you're trying to be helpful and keep things running smoothly, this behaviour can result in your own goals and well-being not being a priority.
Constantly putting other people's happiness first can leave you feeling unappreciated, especially when it comes to advancing in your career. Your colleagues may be relying on your willingness to intervene, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated. If you're always trying to please others, you may also miss opportunities for recognition or promotions because you're hesitant to stand up for yourself or showcase your achievements. Ultimately, this pattern of self-sacrifice can lead to feelings of frustration and bitterness, which ultimately affects both your mental well-being and your job satisfaction.
It is important to understand these patterns. It is necessary to set boundaries and learn to say no when necessary to ensure that you not only contribute to the team, but also promote your own professional growth and well-being.
Community and Parenting Roles
People-pleasing can also manifest itself in roles such as that of a school parent or an active member of a community group. You may feel the urge to volunteer at every event, attend every meeting, or take on more responsibilities than you can realistically handle - all in an effort to be seen as a "good" parent or involved community member. While your intentions may be based on a desire to contribute and be valued, this constant overcommitment can quickly lead to feelings of exhaustion and resentment.
If you're juggling multiple commitments, you may find it difficult to express how you really feel for fear of voicing your struggles might jeopardise your position in these groups. This can create a cycle in which you continually push yourself beyond your limits, ultimately compromising your own well-being for the sake of other people's expectations.
How to Break Free from People-Pleasing
The good news is that you can unlearn your habit to please others! Here are some strategies to help you prioritise yourself - without the guilt:
Identify the Behaviour. Begin by examining where you tend to please others in your life. Are there particular relationships or situations that leave you feeling drained or taken advantage of? Acknowledging these tendencies is the first step toward creating change.
Set Small Boundaries. Saying "no" can be difficult, but it is essential for your mental well-being. Start by setting small boundaries in insignificant situations - such as taking you full lunchtime break rather than working through your lunch or declining an invitation to a social event that doesn’t appeal to you. As you practice, you will gain confidence in in asserting your boundaries, making it easier to resist the urge to please others at your own expense.
Change Your Perspective on Conflict. Conflict doesn't have to be intimidating. It is a natural part of healthy relationships. Try to see conflicts as opportunities for personal growth rather than something to dread. Remember, not every disagreement has to lead to rejection and addressing issues openly can often strengthen your connections.
Look for Support. If you constantly try to please others, you should realize that it is difficult to give up this habit. Talking to a therapist can be very helpful. They can help you understand where these people-pleasing tendencies come from and help you develop healthier ways of interacting with others. It's all about finding a balance that works for you!
Foster Self-Compassion. Be kind to yourself as you work through these changes. Moving away from philanthropy is a gradual process that requires patience. Celebrate even the small victories and remind yourself that your needs are just as important as anyone else's.
When you're a people pleaser, you can get caught up in harmful behaviour patterns that impact your relationships, friendships, and professional life. By fostering self-awareness, setting boundaries, and seeking help, you can prioritize your well-being without losing your kindness and compassion for others. If you find it difficult to change these habits on your own, reaching out to a therapist can provide a safe space to examine your behaviour and help you develop healthier, more satisfying relationships. Don’t wait – your journey to self-acceptance and fulfilment begins now!
If you are ready to talk, you can contact me at:
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au or
call me on 0452 285 526.
