Was It My Fault? When Love Becomes Confusing

Warning: This article talks about trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome, which could be distressing for some readers. Please ensure you have a support system in place and know where to seek help if you feel triggered.

Have you ever questioned why people in abusive relationships often remain with their abuser? You might have come across cases where hostages or victims show loyalty to their captors. This psychological phenomenon, known as Stockholm Syndrome, illustrates just how complex trauma can be.

Navigating the confusion of trauma bonding—when love and fear collide

Where Does the Term "Stockholm Syndrome" Come From?

In 1973, during a Stockholm bank robbery, three hostages were trapped for 131 hours by two men. Traumatising, right? But what happened next astounded the world.  After the hostages were rescued, it turned out that they were not afraid of their captors but of the police. In fact, one of the hostages became engaged to one of the criminals, while another hostage set up a defence fund for the other criminal. Despite the abuse and fear they endured; the hostages developed emotional attachments to their captors. A psychiatrist named Nils Bejerot coined the term "Stockholm Syndrome" to explain this surprising psychological response.

What happens is that as a result of Stockholm Syndrome, victims believe that their abusers' minor acts of kindness are signs of genuine concern. Essentially, it is a defence mechanism that is a survival tactic, where the victim magnifies small positive actions to counter threats of harm. But what is the relationship between this phenomenon and trauma bonding?

 Trauma Bonding vs. Stockholm Syndrome: What's the Difference?

Both Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding are complex psychological reactions to abuse, but there are key differences.

Stockholm Syndrome typically occurs in hostage situations where the victim feels dependent on their captors to survive. Over time, they begin to empathise with their tormentors and even defend them. This emotional attachment is a coping mechanism in response to prolonged captivity or abuse.

However, trauma bonding occurs in abusive relationships, often in cycles of intense emotional highs and lows. Abusers mix periods of cruelty with moments of affection, confusing the victim. This results in the victim becoming emotionally attached to the abuser, even though they know they are being hurt. Trauma bonding is particularly difficult to break because the brain's survival mechanisms and emotional needs intertwine, trapping the victim in a cycle of abuse

How Does Trauma Bonding Develop?

Traumatic bonding occurs through a cyclical process of manipulation, fear and control. This is how it typically works:

Idealisation phase - the perpetrator initially appears loving, attentive and charming, giving the victim a sense of security.

Devaluation phase - the perpetrator begins to belittle, criticise and control the victim, creating feelings of worthlessness and insecurity.

Gaslighting phase - the perpetrator denies reality, blames the victim and manipulates the truth so that the victim doubts their own perception.

Fear phase - the abuser instils fear in the victim through intimidation, threats or violence and increases their sense of dependency.

This cycle is emotionally gruelling. The victim may rationalise the abuse by believing that the abuser is the only one who truly understands or cares about them, even if the relationship is harmful.

Why Does the Brain React This Way?

When someone experiences trauma, be it physical abuse, emotional manipulation or sexual violence — the brain reacts in this way

When someone goes through trauma—be it physical abuse, emotional manipulation, or sexual violence, the brain enters survival mode. This triggers the body's stress responses, commonly known as fight, flight, freeze, friend, or flop. These reactions are meant to protect us during dangerous situations, but they can also create confusion when navigating complex feelings like love and fear in abusive relationships.

Friend - trying to appease or befriend the abuser to minimise harm.

Fight - physically or verbally resisting the abuser.

Flight - seeking to escape or distance oneself from the abuser.

Freeze: - becoming still and silent when faced with danger, a common reaction to sexual assault.

Flop - completely shutting down, dissociating from the situation to alleviate emotional or physical pain.

These responses happen automatically, leaving victims with little control in the moment. Trauma bonding can develop as a coping mechanism for this ongoing stress, as the brain attempts to reconcile the abuser's moments of kindness with the violence or harm they cause.

Cognitive Dissonance in Abusive Relationships

A key element of trauma bonding is cognitive dissonance, where the victim finds it hard to reconcile conflicting feelings. One moment, the abuser is caring and loving, showering them with gifts or apologies. The next, they are violent or cruel. This inconsistency can lead the victim to minimize the abuse, justifying it with thoughts like, "They had a tough childhood" or, "They didn’t mean to hurt me - they were drunk." As time goes on, the victim's perception of reality can become warped. They might start to believe the abuser's lies about their own worth, convincing themselves that they are responsible for the abuse. The abuser takes advantage of this confusion, maintaining control and power over the victim.

Common Signs of Trauma Bonding

Victims of trauma bonding often share thoughts like:

“They really want to change”

“They apologised; they didn’t mean to hurt me”

“I make them angry - I’m the problem”

“They’re the only one who loves me”

When I hear these statements from clients, it’s evident that they are entangled in a trauma bond. As a counsellor, my role is to help them recognise that these feelings, while perplexing, are common in abusive relationships - and most importantly, it’s not their fault.

How I Work with Clients Experiencing Trauma Bonds

The first step is to normalise what my clients are feeling. Many people think they are alone in their experiences, which only increases their feelings of shame. I reassure them: “What you're feeling is typical for those who have gone through similar situations”. Next, I provide psychoeducation about the brain's survival mechanisms. It’s important to understand that our brains are wired to keep us alive, even if that means forming attachments to those who harm us. Survival instincts are powerful and often overshadow logical thinking.

Then, we start to challenge the distorted beliefs clients have about their abusers. This can be hard, especially when the client still harbours feelings of love or attachment. We might look at examples of behaviours and things that happened in my client’s relationship in a safe, non-judgmental way for them to process these conflicting emotions.

For example, In a session, a client might share thoughts like, "They didn’t mean to hurt me - they were just drunk," or "They had a tough childhood, so I need to be patient". These kinds of distorted beliefs come from trying to reconcile the moments of kindness and the abuse. For example, a client might recall a time when their partner brought flowers after a particularly violent episode. They fixate on this gesture as a sign of genuine love, even though the abuse continues. We explore these mixed signals in therapy, helping clients see the bigger pattern of control behind the occasional "kind" moments.

Finally, we focus on rebuilding the client’s sense of self. Abuse erodes self-esteem, often replacing the victim’s own voice with the abuser’s critical words. Healing involves disentangling those harmful messages from the client’s true identity and helping them reclaim control over their own story.

The Road to Healing

Breaking free from a trauma bond requires time and support. Victims may return to their abusers several times before they finally leave for good, and that’s okay. The journey is often not straightforward. What’s essential is recognising that trauma bonding is a survival mechanism, not a reflection of the person’s worth or strength.

If you’ve experienced trauma bonding or abusive relationships, remember that you’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. Your brain and body reacted as they were meant to, in order to protect you.

If you’d like to explore how therapy can help you break free from trauma bonds, please reach out for a confidential consultation.

To work with me, email at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au

or phone 0452 070 738

References:

Briere, J. N., & and Scott, C. (2013) Principles of Trauma Therapy: A Guide to Symptoms, Evaluation, and Treatment. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Lodrick, Z. (n.d.). Psychological trauma article.  https://www.zoelodrick.co.uk/physcological-trauma-article

Siegel, D. J. (2016). Mind: A journey to the heart of being human. W. W. Norton & Company.

Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.