Why do I always end up with the wrong person?

It can be stressful trying to find the perfect match. In this article, we are going to talk about the patterns that you can fall into when trying to find a new partner and how you can break these patterns. We will talk about how to spot red flags early on and how to build strong, long-lasting relationships. If you're sick of making the same mistakes over and over again and want to turn things around, then keep on reading!

Recognise the patterns

Looking back at your past relationships do you see some recurring patterns? They say that history repeats itself, but I believe that is important to stop the cycle, break the patterns and find the right person with whom you can have a happy and healthy relationship. Which you deserve, by the way.

Think about your past relationships and notice any patterns that keep popping up. This could be a certain personality trait that you always seem to be attracted to, something, a personality trait that you feel you lack, for example, you seem to be attracted to people who are funny, smart, carefree, confident, or sexy. Or maybe you love the feeling of falling in love, the rush of intense emotions, the honeymoon period where things are all lovey-dovey but as soon as reality kicks in you check out. Or maybe you don’t believe you deserve better. That you are not good enough, not worthy of love. Another thing to consider is whether you know what you want in a relationship, maybe you let people into your life too quickly and then push them away because they are not what you want but you don’t even know what you want! Or maybe you forgot your own needs and what you desire in your partner? Once you start noticing these patterns, whatever they might be, you might notice what role you play in perpetuating them.

Recognising patterns isn't about blaming yourself, it's about taking accountability for your actions and choices. Writing in a journal or talking to a therapist about your past relationships can help you see any patterns, to see what worked and what didn't.

Understanding these patterns will help you make better decisions in the future. You can look for someone who has the same values as you so you don’t end up in situations that cause you heartache.

Breaking the cycle requires awareness, patience, and willingness to learn from your past experiences. It is hard work, but it’s worth it in the long run.

So why do you keep choosing the wrong partner?

One of the reasons might be what happened to you in the past. Your past and the people around you affect how you see love and relationships, leading you to seek out partners who reinforce these negative patterns. Reflecting on your past, the relationships you had since childhood, and your attachment style is important when understanding the choices you make, your needs and values. If you identify the recurring themes in your life, you gain insight into your own predispositions and biases and this will help you break free from your patterns.

Self-reflection is important. Be honest with yourself about the patterns or habits you keep repeating. Noticing these small warning signs can help you learn about yourself.

Another thing that makes things harder than they should be is not being sure of what you want or need. You might be drawn to someone just because they're funny or charming, without considering if their values align with yours or if what they're offering aligns with your own life goals. Take some time to think about what you want in a partner and what kind of relationship makes you happy and fulfilled.

And let's not forget about all the external influences, like people telling us who we should date, those cheesy love stories in movies, and even our cultural backgrounds. All of this will influence your choice of partners. Challenge these external influences and do not let them dictate your decisions, stay true to what you believe in, and stick true to your own values (and find someone who fits those and honestly puts that smile on your face).

Breaking free from the trap of falling in love with Mr/Ms Wrong means first getting to know who you are inside and out. Figure out what’s driving your decisions so that next time, with a bit of soul-searching, you can make better choices when it comes to relationships.

Overcoming your fears

Getting over your fears and old beliefs that hold you back is key to breaking bad relationship habits and finding the right significant other. It's common for people to get stuck in a bad love loop due to all sorts of worries and notions about themselves which keeps them from pursuing what they truly want.

Fear can show up in different ways, like being afraid of being by yourself, scared of getting snubbed, or even dreading making the wrong choice. These feelings could arise from memories or societal pressure which makes it hard to shake them off.

Believing things about yourself like "I'm not enough," "I don't deserve love,” or "There’s no one out there who can really love me" only adds fuel to this vicious cycle. Such thoughts blur your vision when it comes to spotting someone with whom you might have a happy relationship.

To kick these barriers down, you have to spend some quiet time with yourself reassessing those negative beliefs. Start by telling yourself that fear is normal but shouldn’t be driving your choices, look into why you’re frightened and determine whether it stems from real issues or silly assumptions.

Boosting how much you value yourself also does wonders! Swap out those harsh self-judgments for more helpful ones that emphasize your strengths and assets. Don't forget to surround yourself with friends and family who see just how amazing you are; they'll help tackle any nagging doubts about letting go of unhealthy relationships.

Going for therapy or having a chat with a counsellor can be your game-changer when it comes to working through all this stuff. These trained professionals can have you digging into the root of what's feeding those scary thoughts and the "I-can't-do-it" attitude, helping you swap them out for better relationship choices.

Just keep in mind that kicking these patterns to the curb starts by having a talk with yourself about these fears and limiting self-beliefs. Doing this not only shakes things up, but also creates space for finding someone who gets you, treats you well, and is cheering on your personal growth spree.

Defining your relationship goals

Before you dive headfirst into the dating pool, take a second to reflect on what you want in a relationship. Knowing this stuff will make it way easier for you to spot your perfect match.

First off, think about your big deal values – those things that are important to you and how you live your life. This could be anything from being honest, loyal, ambitious or kind-hearted. Figuring these out can help find people who see eye-to-eye with you on stuff that matters most to you. Now rack your brains about what sort of relationship you want. What floats your boat when it comes to a partner? Perhaps it is a serious lifelong commitment or maybe just someone cool to hang with? Do deep chats get you buzzed or is sharing hobbies more your game? Getting clear on this makes it simple and easy to swerve those not vibing on the same wavelength as yours, zeroing in instead on potential partners who fit into the how-you-see-the-future picture.

Don't stress! Figuring out what you value most and what you're looking for in a relationship isn't something that gets locked down forever. It is more like a never-ending road trip of getting to know yourself better and growing bit by bit. Along the way, things change, including your values and those relationship goals you have set up. So chill and embrace this journey because it's pretty awesome.

Dedicating time to hammering out your values and figuring out what you want from love basically means not going into relationships blindfolded anymore. It creates an amazing base made up of shared values and mutual understanding making the chances of finding ‘the one’ a piece of cake as opposed to circling on repeat with relationships gone sour. Get ready for real-deal happiness!

Watch out for the red flags

Picking the right partner can be a big deal and your gut feeling, the feeling something is off even when everything seems cool, can really help you out here. See, we often brush it off but this intuition of ours is pretty helpful in keeping us safe from future heartache.

Now you're probs thinking “Okay but how do I get better at using my intuition?” Well, it starts with some good old self-reflection and understanding what makes *you* tick. What are your must-haves in a partner? Your goals and values? When you've sussed all that stuff out about yourself, spotting if someone else doesn't quite match up becomes way smoother.

Then there are those pesky red flags - little warning signs showing something just isn’t right or could cause problems later down the line in a relationship. They might not be immediately obvious things, sometimes they are no more than behaviours that make you raise an eyebrow. But you have to watch out for them because they can really matter!

Look out for dodgy stuff like someone being flaky, not giving a hoot about you or others, trying to boss you around, or having a track record of messy relationships. It's key not to jump the gun but at the same time don't brush off these warning signs or make up excuses for them.

Instead, have an open and honest conversation with the person you are considering as your partner. Let them know what's bothering you and see how they react. If they're worthy of your attention, they will listen, understand and step up to sort out any problems. But if they shrug off your worries or play them down, that could mean they’re just not right for you.

Remember, finding Mr/Ms Right isn’t a sprint; it’s more of a marathon so don’t sweat taking things slow. Trust your gut feelings on this one when those red flags pop up – stay true to yourself. By doing so, we’re talking about cutting loose from always ending up with people who are all wrong for you and instead finding someone who fills your heart with joy and satisfaction.

Time for self-reflection

If you want to break free from the cycle of always ending up with the wrong person, you have to take a step back and figure out your own patterns.

Take a look at your past relationships and see if you notice any recurring themes or patterns. Search for qualities in partners that you like, even if they don't exactly match up with your own values. Think about what you believe in, what scares you, and what makes you feel unsure when it comes to choosing a partner. Think about whether any lingering issues or past traumas are impacting the choices you make. Take a look at how you act in your relationships to see if any habits could be causing problems. If you want to grow, consider going to therapy or trying self-help techniques. By knowing yourself more, you can make better decisions in your relationships.

Counselling

A therapist can help you dig into your past to figure out why you keep choosing the wrong partners and give you tips on how to make smarter choices in relationships. Getting professional help can be a really good move when it comes to growing as a person and having better relationships. It might not be easy, but you can learn a lot about yourself in therapy.

Make new friends

Meeting new people and trying out new hobbies could help break the pattern of always choosing the same type of partner. Often, we're attracted to people who have things in common with us. While it's nice to feel comfortable, it can also be limiting in terms of what is available to you.

Making new friends and trying out different things can help you find more people to potentially date. Getting involved in clubs or going to events that match your interests can introduce you to people from different backgrounds and viewpoints.

Meeting new people can open your mind and make you rethink your ideas about who would make a good match for you. Trying new stuff and taking chances can help you see cool things in people that you never paid attention to before. This could mean you have more options in finding the right match and increase your chances of meeting someone who truly clicks with you.

Trying out new things can help you discover more about yourself, like new things you might be passionate about.

Breaking the cycle is all about being willing to try new things and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Don't be scared to try new things and be open to making new friends because you never know where you might find your perfect match.

Embrace self-love

Taking care of yourself and loving yourself is key to breaking the cycle of choosing the wrong partner. We often find ourselves in bad relationships because we don't realise how awesome we are and forget to take care of ourselves first.

When we don't love ourselves enough, we could end up accepting less than we deserve, putting up with being treated badly, or sacrificing our values. This could make us keep falling into the same traps and end up with people who are not good for us.

By loving and taking care of ourselves, we stop looking for approval and happiness from others and instead find it within us. This helps us to make smarter decisions when picking a boyfriend/girlfriend. We start paying more attention, picking up on signs and changes that we might have overlooked in the past.

When we put ourselves first and take care of ourselves, we learn more about who we are and become stronger emotionally. This helps us understand what we want and set boundaries in relationships, so we can enter partnerships that make both sides happy and supported.

If you want to stop picking the wrong person, start by loving and taking care of yourself first.

Take your time

When choosing your partner, take your time. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and rush into decisions without really knowing the person. It's important to not rush things and be patient when looking for someone who will vibe with you and bring positivity into your life.

Getting into a relationship super-fast could mean you don't see any red flags or important stuff that shows if you and the other person are a good match. When you take your time, you can get to know someone and figure out if they're on the same page as you with what you want in life.

Choosing a partner is an important decision that will have consequences for your life. Take your time. Be patient, enjoy the process, and trust that the right partner will come at the right time.

I hope you enjoyed reading my blog about choosing the right partner. It can be difficult to break the pattern, but it can be done. If you know your habits, likes and dislikes, your values, you can make better decisions that match your happiness and satisfaction in the long run. Which is what I wish for you.

Recommended reading list:

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue

Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel

Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Love by Katherine Woodward Thomas

Why We Love the Way We Do by Pia Mellody