After the Break-Up: Maya's Journey

Introduction

Through my window, I saw Maya sitting in her car, gathering the strength to come inside into the counselling office. She was sitting there for a good 15 minutes gathering her strength before ringing the bell. As a therapist, I understood that her decision to seek help was a big and courageous step. I knew from our brief conversation over the phone that she endured years of emotional abuse (although she did not name it as such; she described it as a difficult relationship). She hadn’t been to therapy before, and it was clear that coming to see me was terrifying for her.

I know too well how difficult it can be to keep quiet and deal with overwhelming emotions. So, I understood that she had to find a way to make sense of what had happened to her. When she walked into my office, she was nervous but determined.

This vignette will follow Maya in her therapy sessions, offering a glimpse into her emotional processes as she navigates the emotional journey after leaving a toxic relationship.

The Decision to Seek Therapy

From our first phone conversation, I could hear the uncertainty in Maya's voice, I saw it as a reflection of her struggle with her decision to see a counsellor. I knew from experience that people often minimise their experiences believing that others have it worse. As if that would make their situation better.

Maya told me how her ex-boyfriend Jack had often belittled her, dismissed her feelings and called her "dramatic" and “oversensitive” whenever she tried to explain to him how his words and actions affected her. She could still hear his voice in her head, which made her feel ashamed for wanting to talk about her life with Jack and for not being strong enough to handle the pain on her own.

As Maya shared her story, she told me about her feelings of deep sadness and how, in desperation, she found herself online, looking for something to make sense of what was happening to her. She started reading articles and blog posts until she stumbled upon an article about emotional abuse. In that article, she recognised the patterns of control and manipulation that were present in her relationship. Jack had never physically harmed her, so she never thought of herself as a woman who was in an abusive relationship - a difficult, toxic relationship, definitely, but abusive? She felt conflicted about this label. Not her, surely.

I listened to her, giving her space to explore her feelings. As she opened up, I acknowledged the complexity of her experience and the courage it took to confront the truth of her situation. I reassured her that coming to see a therapist was an act of strength, not failure and recognised how hard it was for her to make that phone call.

Searching for a Therapist: Finding the Right Fit

Finding the right therapist can be overwhelming, and Maya described the anxiety of choosing someone who would understand the depth of her trauma. She wanted a safe space - free of judgment - where she could talk openly about her experiences, even the ones she felt ashamed of. It had to be a therapist who specialised in emotional abuse, someone who would understand her and be able to help her process the pain.

After hours of internet searching, she finally found my profile on Psychology Today. As I specialise in trauma and emotional abuse, I seemed to be what she was looking for. Speaking with her over the phone for the first time, I made sure to convey a sense of calm and compassion, knowing just how difficult that first call must have been for her. By the time she came for her first session, she seemed ready, though a bit uncertain as to what to expect.

Session 1: The First Steps Toward Healing

Nervous and fidgety, Maya walked into my office. She sat down, her hands clasped tightly in her lap. I welcomed her and offered her a seat while sensing her anxiety about opening up. I reassured her that this was a safe space and that we could take this session as slowly as she would like. I explained to her that therapy is about collaboration, she's always in charge of where we go and how far we go.

Her voice sounded pained when she uttered "I left my boyfriend about six months ago, and since then, I have not felt like myself" her voice trembling.

It was obvious that she had gone through something deeply traumatic. Maya explained how Jack had never physically hurt her, but the 'constant' belittling, emotional withdrawals and manipulations were the things that had left her broken inside. She felt trapped in self-doubt, and though she had left the relationship, the scars remained.

I normalised her experience in response. Emotional abuse, I explained, doesn't usually leave bruises or physical scars, but the decimation of your sense of self can be profound. She had been living in a constant state of confusion - questioning her reality - and now she was working to reclaim her voice.

You can rebuild yourself.

Exploring the Relationship: Recognising Emotional Abuse

As our session went on, Maya shared, "At first, he was so loving, but then he started always to criticise me, isolate me from my friends. He made me feel like whatever I do is wrong."

I listened closely, reflecting back to her that these were definite signs of emotional abuse. In naming what happened as such, I watched a wave of validation wash over her. For the first time, she felt her experience was valid, it wasn't "all in her head."

Maya started slowly to open up, recounting specific instances where Jack had undermined her confidence or made her feel small. And each time, I acknowledged the strength it took for her to speak, also reminding her this was going to take some time: healing is not linear, and the road ahead would be one about reclaiming her sense of self, rebuilding her self-esteem and learning to trust again.

As Maya shared her story, she expressed her discomfort in labelling her relationship as abusive. "He never hit me," she said, almost as if to justify why it couldn't be abuse. "It was just a difficult relationship. I don't think I'm in the same category as women who have been really abused."

I could see how much the word "abuse" unsettled her. This is a common reaction — many people struggle to reconcile their experiences with the term because it doesn't fit the stereotypical image of abuse. I gently explained to her that emotional abuse, although often invisible, can be just as damaging as physical violence. Abuse isn't just about bruises, but about the slow erosion of self-worth, the confusion and the constant doubt.

By labelling what she was experiencing as emotional abuse, Maya felt validated and conflicted at the same time. I reassured her that recognising that her relationship was abusive didn't mean she was weak or powerless — it was simply a way of understanding the dynamic that had trapped her. We talked about how society frequently trivialises emotional pain, making it harder to accept your suffering, and that it was completely normal for Maya to struggle with identifying it as abuse.

Session 5: Navigating Grief and Confusion

In the second session, Maya did seem to be a bit more comfortable in our space, although still raw. "I don't understand why I miss him sometimes," she said, starting to tear up. "I know he was bad for me, but part of me still wishes we could have made it work”.

I reassured her that the feelings were quite normal for people who came out of abusive relationships. Quite often, in abusive relationships, there is a high-low cycle; periods of love and affection are followed by periods of manipulation or cruelty. It is these highs that make it very hard to let go of the relationship since you cling to the hope that things may get better.

We used the rest of the session to work through the many complex emotions she was experiencing. We talked about grief and how you mourn not just the person you thought he was, but also the future you envisioned with him, the dreams you had together, the connection and intimacy you shared during the good times. We talked about mourning the loss of the person she was before the relationship, her sense of identity and the time and energy she invested in that relationship.

Maya also told me that since their breakup, Jack had called her several times; he sent messages apologising and promising to change, and she did not know how to respond.

So we talked about boundaries, and she was able to recognise that she lacked boundaries in her relationship with Jack. Now we talked about what she could do to maintain her boundaries and emotional safety: things like limiting contact with Jack by not responding to his messages or even blocking his number if he is persistent. We discussed her social media presence and how comfortable she is with Jack having an insight into her activities (she was not comfortable and adjusted her privacy settings). We also talked about boundaries with mutual friends and family members who were trying to play the mediators and were encouraging her to give Jack another chance. We also put safety plans in place in case his behaviour escalates and he starts to turn up at her home or walk place or even stalk her, for example.

I said to her "It is important to realise you have the right to defend your emotional and physical space. It can be a long time before Jack's behaviour changes, if ever; his promises may simply be part of the cycle of control. You owe him nothing, no response, not another chance.

The concept of boundaries was at the same time empowering and challenging for Maya. Having invested so much time into taking care of Jack's feelings, it was just hard to put her own needs first. But eventually, she started to understand that protecting herself wasn't selfish; it was called healing.

Session 8: Rebuilding Self-Esteem and Trust

In our eighth session, we started focusing on rebuilding Maya's self-esteem. We talked about the qualities that liked about herself before she moved in with Jack, like her creativity, independence, and active social life. Jack had taken a toll on these aspects of her, but now Maya was ready to reconnect with them.

I suggested she revisit some of her favourite hobbies, like painting, and rebuild her social connections. Bringing these elements back into her life helped Maya gradually regain her confidence. She was slowly rediscovering herself, which was amazing for me to see.

Learning to Trust Again

Maya found it hard to trust herself and others after being manipulated for years. Recognising red flags when it comes to relationships and trusting her instincts became a challenge for her. She feared getting into another toxic relationship if she couldn't identify the warning signs.

I helped Maya explore ways to trust her intuition by doing mindfulness exercises to connect with her emotions and make decisions that prioritise her needs over others. We discussed the importance of taking things slow to determine if someone is respectful, supportive, and trustworthy in the future.

Despite still being deeply affected by past pain, she was no longer the timid woman who had initially come to my office feeling lost. She gradually discovered how to be independent and recognise her worth, and started believing in a better and happier tomorrow.

Maya’s Journey of Healing

At first, her journey was confusing and difficult, but now it was empowering and enlightening. Therapy helped her delve into her past trauma and also enabled her to find her inner strengths and envision a future without Jack's shadow.

During each therapy session, Maya made progress in putting her life back together. As her therapist, I felt privileged to bear witness to her strength and courage as she confronted her pain and began to reclaim her life.

I'm Kat, a registered Counsellor dedicated to helping women navigate the emotional and psychological challenges that arise from trauma, including experiences of domestic and sexual violence, childhood trauma, and feelings of grief and loss. You can find me in South East Melbourne.

Work with me:

email at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au

or call me: 0452 070 738