Rebuilding After Abuse: Steps to Finding Closure
Breaking up is never easy. Whether it was a brief fling or a long-term relationship, separation often brings a whirlwind of emotions: sadness, confusion, relief, fear, and grief. Ending an abusive relationship adds another layer of complexity to these feelings. As a therapist, I frequently meet people who struggle to make sense of their relationship experiences, especially if there was abuse.
This blog focuses on healing, specifically finding closure after an unhealthy relationship ends. I will cover sensitive issues like grief, which many find confusing, self-compassion, the importance of creating boundaries, and how you can rebuild yourself after a breakup. If you are in this situation or are helping someone who happens to be in that situation, this blog will provide some insights, guidance, and comfort.
Understanding the Nature of Abusive Relationships
The first stage of recovering from an abusive relationship is understanding the nature of this kind of relationship. Abuse has many forms: physical, emotional, psychological, financial, or sexual to name the obvious. Many people who have been abused often do not initially recognise that the relationship is unhealthy. This may be because the signs can be subtle and escalate with time.
Abusive relationships often feature:
Control and manipulation where your partner controls where you go, who you see, or how you spend money.
Gaslighting where you start to question your perception of reality.
Isolation where they try to separate you from friends and family which makes it easier to control you.
Verbal or physical aggression, for example screaming, name-calling, or physical harm.
Another thing to remember is that abusive people are unpredictable, often switching between being hurtful and affectionate. Breaking free from this cycle is incredibly hard, even when you recognise that the relationship is not good for you.
Grieving Toxic Relationships
It's completely normal to grieve after a breakup, but these emotions can be confusing if the relationship was abusive. Many people think they shouldn't feel sorrow because the relationship was unhealthy; however, it’s important to understand that you can mourn a toxic relationship just as deeply as a healthy one.
You might wonder:
"Why would I miss them if they were so awful to me?"
"Shouldn't I feel relieved and not sad?"
"How can I grieve someone who hurt me so much?"
All of these are valid questions, and it's okay to feel conflicted. The truth is, mourning a toxic relationship is not just missing that person; it is grieving a life that was lived, the hopes and dreams you had for your future, and maybe even mourning the loss of who you were before the relationship. You may also grieve the part of your ex-partner with whom you shared the good times, who in the beginning seemed so kind and loving.
Grieving a Lost Dream
A relationship is based on hopes, dreams, and expectations for a future together. Even in a harmful relationship, there is usually a time when you can imagine living a more stable and happy life with your partner. You might have felt that, despite the pain, things could get better. You might have hoped that the person who hurt you would change, and you will find love and peace together.
It is not just the person you are grieving when a relationship comes to an end, you are grieving the dream of what could have been. It’s the loss of the future you had envisioned—the family, the companionship, or even the sense of normalcy that you believed you might attain one day. This is a significant loss, and it’s entirely normal to feel sad or even devastated by it, regardless of the nature of the relationship.
Mourning the "Good" Parts of the Relationship
Abusive relationships often have a cyclical pattern of good and bad times. Your partner could be loving, charming and apologetic for their behaviour during the "good" times. This may establish strong emotional connections, known as trauma bonds, which make it hard to leave the relationship.
It's normal to grieve the good or meaningful parts of a relationship. Just because a person was abusive does not mean that every moment you spent with them was bad. Longing for those good times does not suggest weakness or confusion; those moments were genuine, and it is human to mourn their loss.
Grieving the Loss of Identity
Another layer of grief that may arise after leaving an abusive relationship is the loss of self. Abusers will often manipulate, control, and belittle their victim to such an extent that the person on the receiving end of the abuse is bereft of confidence and any feelings of self-worth. This can be a gradual process that happens as you become more preoccupied with your partner's needs, moods, or approval.
After a breakup, you may feel as though you have lost your sense of identity. This experience can be quite startling and is often accompanied by feelings of emptiness and confusion. Taking the time to mourn, both the person you were before the relationship and the person you became while you were together, is an essential step in recovering from the trauma you have experienced.
Shame, Guilt, and Other Emotions
Feelings of shame, guilt and self-blame are common after leaving an emotionally damaging relationship, but it’s important to recognise that these emotions stem from the manipulation and control you endured. Leaving was a huge and brave step. It is important to forgive yourself and to understand that you did the best you could with the resources and strengths you had at that particular time.
Shame: "How Did I Let This Happen?"
For many people, feelings of shame arise mainly because of massive misunderstandings in our society about abuse. You may wonder:
“Why did I stay so long?”
“Why didn’t I see the red flags earlier?”
“How could I let someone treat me like that?”
Much of this stems from the lack of education about abuse. There are many myths, such as the idea that abuse only affects certain groups of society or that it’s easy to leave an abusive situation. These misconceptions not only add to the stigma and guilt you might be feeling but also contribute to your thinking that you are somehow responsible for what happened.
The sad thing is that abuse can be complex and can happen to anyone: strong or weak, smart or dumb, from whatever background. Abusers also use manipulative tactics, like gaslighting and emotional control to keep their victims stuck in relationships.
Guilt: "Was It My Fault?"
This guilt often stems from years of conditioning by the abuser, who may have consistently blamed you for their behaviour. They might say things like, “You made me do this” or “If you weren’t so difficult, I wouldn’t have to treat you this way”. Over time, this manipulation can lead you to believe that you are responsible for the abuse.
Nobody ever deserves to be abused. Abusers choose to abuse, no matter what you do or don’t do. A relationship might go through ups and downs, but nothing justifies abusive behaviour. A healthy relationship is built on a foundation of mutual love and respect, good communication and compromise, not violence or manipulation.
Fear: "What If I Can't Move On?"
There are many ways in which fear can manifest once a dysfunctional relationship ends. You might be afraid of spending the rest of your life alone, never experiencing love and intimacy again, or that any future relationship will turn out to be bad. You might be afraid that your abuser will come back into your life, especially if they tried controlling or manipulating you in the past.
These fears are valid, but they do not have to dictate your future. It is normal to be anxious about the unknown, but with the help of friends, family, or a therapist, you can build a life for yourself where you feel safe, loved, and respected.
Anger: "Why Did I Let Them Do This to Me?"
Anger is one of the more common emotions people experience in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. This anger may be directed at the abuser for what they have done, but you might also feel angry at yourself for staying in a situation that you now see was harmful or for not recognising the warning signs and leaving sooner.
You may think:
“Why did I let them get away with this?”
“Why didn’t I stand up for myself?”
Anger is a natural response to being hurt and mistreated, and it's important to allow yourself to fully access this emotion. Anger becomes destructive when it’s turned inward, as it can lead to self-blame, low self-esteem, depression and anxiety, self-harm and substance abuse.
Rather than turning your anger inward, try channelling it in empowering ways: setting boundaries, speaking your truth, or doing what you need to take care of yourself going forward. It is here that therapy can be so valuable in addressing self-blame, helping to untangle the emotional effects of manipulation and your sense of self-worth. Anger can act as a catalyst for moving on from the abuse and, more importantly, empowering yourself.
Loneliness: "I feel so empty, and I don't know how to go on"
Ending an abusive relationship can feel very lonely. Your ex may have isolated you from friends and family and now you feel like nobody else understands how much you're hurting. You can feel lonely and abandoned, even if you have people around who truly care about you.
These emotions are normal, and they don't have to be permanent. You can reclaim your social connections. You can turn to counselling, support groups, and friends and family to get you through until the feelings of loneliness subside.
Moving On from a Toxic Relationship
Grieving a toxic relationship
Permit yourself to grieve your relationship. Toxic as it may have been, it was still a significant part of your life. Bottling those feelings or trying to "move on" too quickly can extend your hurt. Journal about what you are experiencing, talk to friends or seek out the help of a therapist in working through feelings.
Stop the negative self-talk
Negative self-talk often lingers after an abusive relationship ended, serving as a remnant of the manipulation and mistreatment you endured. Over time, hurtful remarks and belittling comments are embedded in your mind, fostering feelings of inadequacy and shame. The emotional chaos you experience during the transition period often amplifies the negative self-talk. When you are faced with an uncertain future and the overwhelming task of rebuilding your life, this negative self-talk can increase, making it harder to challenge and overcome doubts about your self-worth and abilities.
It's important to recognise that these thoughts are remnants of the abuse and do not accurately reflect who you are. Seeking therapy, in particular trauma-informed approaches, will help in understanding these destructive patterns and rebuild your self-esteem. While progress may take time, the main goal should be to restore your self-esteem.
Set Clear Boundaries
Moving forward with your life involves setting boundaries in your emotional and physical environment. Ideally, you should cut off any contact, especially if there is a possibility of further abuse. If you need to remain in contact - for example, you have children together - consider the following alternatives:
If you need to speak with your ex, ensure there are others present, like a close friend or mediator, to ensure transparency and your safety.
Allocate set times for child contact and communicate only through text or email. This way you have some form of documentation of what was agreed, and you don’t have to see them face to face.
Do not discuss personal issues and limit topics of conversation to the logistics of child-care arrangements and practical issues related to children.
These boundaries may help you reclaim emotional space and reduce the psychological toll caused by contact with an abusive ex-partner.
Consider Counselling
Working with a professional therapist who is trained in working with women who have been abused, can make a difference in overcoming the trauma you experienced. You'll be in a safe space to process what happened, identify any unhealthy patterns that might have an impact on your life, and rebuild your self-esteem. An appropriately trained therapist can also help you address any post-traumatic stress symptoms that you might be experiencing.
The most helpful treatments for recovery from an abusive relationship include those addressing trauma healing, rebuilding self-worth, and addressing the psychological consequences of the abuse. Examples include the following:
Trauma-informed therapy - focuses on understanding how past experiences affect your current emotions, behaviours, and relationships while helping you to find the strength and resilience to reclaim your life after abuse.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) - is used to address symptoms of PTSD and make painful memories less distressing.
Trauma-Informed Cognitive Behavioural Treatment (CBT) aims to help you challenge your negative thinking patterns.
Support Groups and Group Therapy can be immensely helpful. Connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences can help validate your feelings and make you feel less alone. Listening to their stories can offer fresh perspectives and sharing your own story can be a powerful step towards recovery.
Practice Self-Compassion
Recovering from an abusive relationship involves permitting yourself the kindness your partner never would give you. That means acknowledging that you are only human, you make mistakes but you also deserve to be loved and cared for. Self-compassion is releasing your guilt; that is acknowledging your feelings without judgment and treating yourself with kindness. Instead of asking, "Why did I let this happen?", consider asking, "What can I learn from this?" or "How can I take care of myself as I heal?". It is not about blaming yourself for what happened in the past but nurturing your well-being as you look forward to the future.
Embrace Your Vulnerability
Allowing yourself to feel vulnerable is a huge part of your recovery. Because you have been in an abusive relationship, you may have built emotional walls to protect yourself from further hurt. This response makes sense, but it also blocks you from receiving the love and support you need to heal.
Being vulnerable takes courage, and it is within that vulnerable place, that healing truly begins. Being able to share your thoughts and feelings with people you trust, you can begin to regain a sense of safety and strengthen your connections with others, paving the way for deeper emotional recovery.
Celebrate the Small Victories
Healing takes time and every step matters. Whether it's a day when he's not on your mind or a gentle sense of relief when you wake up, cherish those small wins. Over time, these moments accumulate and will eventually lead to bigger breakthroughs.
Recognise Your Strength
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most courageous acts anyone could undertake. You must have made one of the toughest decisions to free yourself from your ex. You are strong, and that strength will guide you towards a healthier, more fulfilling future.
Look Forward, Not Backward
It’s natural to dwell on what you could have done differently or wonder if things could have changed. However, true closure comes from accepting that the relationship is behind you. Instead of looking back, focus on creating a future where your well-being, goals, and happiness are your top priorities.
Explore New Relationships Gradually
While it might be tempting to rush into a new relationship to fill the void left by a breakup, it is important to take time. Focus on rebuilding your life first, learn about yourself, and understand what you need from a future partner. Then, when you do feel ready to begin dating once again, you’ll be better equipped to recognise any red flags, and you'll be prepared to work out relationships based on mutual respect and love.
Conclusion: Finding Peace
Closure isn't about forgetting the past or the relationship itself. Rather, closure means looking at your reality, learning from it, and letting go of what has held you back from moving forward in your life. In terms of moving on from an abusive relationship, closure signifies reclaiming your life.
The journey to healing is rarely a straight path. It includes highs and lows, good days and bad ones. However, every step you take—whether it's establishing boundaries, seeking therapy, or simply recognising your emotions—brings you closer to finding peace. With patience, support, and a healthy dose of self-compassion, you can move forward in a life free from abuse, embracing self-acceptance and welcoming new opportunities.
