Spiritual Abuse in Domestic Abuse

January is Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month, a time to shed light on a form of abuse that often goes unspoken but can profoundly shape lives. Let’s explore what spiritual abuse is, how it manifests, and how healing is possible, using real-world examples for clarity.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

Spiritual abuse is also referred to as religious abuse, which is the use of spiritual or religious beliefs to cause physical, psychological, or emotional harm and intimidate or control the will of another person.

Spiritual abuse could take many shapes according to one's faith or spiritual influence. An abuser might exploit religious teachings or claim the divine authority to justify harmful behaviour. For example, a Christian might say, "God hates divorce, and therefore, you cannot leave me." Within a Muslim context, an abuser may distort religious notions to enforce total submission. Tradition could also be used as a tool of manipulation by a Hindu partner in isolating an individual: "You are bringing dishonour to our family and faith if you tell anyone".

Spiritual abuse can happen in any religion or belief system, whether it's a large, organised faith or a more personal spiritual practice. The goal is always the same: to maintain power and control over someone.

Forms of Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse can involve a religious leader, such as a priest or a rabbi, exploiting their authority to control, or sexually or financially abuse followers. It can also refer to spiritual advisors who ignore abuse or pressure partners to stay in a marriage with an abuser.

When an abuser perpetrates spiritual abuse, it can manifest in several ways. For instance, an abuser might prevent you from practising your religion. This could mean your partner forbids you from attending spiritual meetings or church. If you're Muslim, your partner might hinder your attempts to pray at the required times. Or, if you're Jewish and have decided to keep kosher, your partner might coerce you into eating pork.

An abuser might also ridicule your beliefs. This could look like your partner belittling you when you talk about your faith, scoffing when you kneel to pray at noon every day, insulting you when you try to share your religious views, and calling you names until you start to question your belief system.

Additionally, an abuser might use religion to berate or manipulate you. Perhaps you and your partner share the same religion, something you bonded over at the beginning of your relationship. Now, your partner uses religious texts to validate their abuse, cherry-picking verses that talk about obedience to a husband as a way to justify controlling behaviour. An abuser might even use scriptures that talk about obedience to demand you do things you're not comfortable with, such as illegal or sexually coercive acts. They might say that questioning them is equivalent to questioning God.

An abuser might also force your children to be raised in a faith you don't agree with. Regardless of the faith, if you and your partner haven't discussed or agreed upon it, but your partner insists your children be taught certain religious values, shutting you out of this decision is a form of power and control.

Sometimes, entire faith communities unintentionally reinforce abusive dynamics. For instance, some traditions emphasise submission or male authority, which abusers can exploit.

For example, some beliefs focus on submission or male leadership, which abusers can take advantage of. Victims might be urged to value forgiveness or reconciliation over their safety, and communities may shy away from addressing abuse to “keep the peace”.

Finding light in the darkness: A symbol of hope and healing.

Cultural and Relationship Dynamics in Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse is influenced by cultural and relationship factors, which can complicate the experience for those involved. For example, women who migrate to countries like Australia through marriage may face increased isolation, exacerbating the effects of spiritual abuse. An Australian spuse, for instance, might prevent his wife from practising her religion, saying, “That’s not how we do things here”. Language barriers, a lack of local faith communities, and the fear of being sent back to their home country often leave these women feeling powerless and without support.

In mixed-faith relationships, spiritual abuse may show up in different ways. A Christian might feel belittled if their atheist partner mocks their beliefs or forbids them from attending church. Conversely, someone who doesn’t practice their faith may feel pressured to engage in religious activities or criticised for not being devoted enough.

Even in relationships where both partners share the same faith, spiritual abuse can still be present. A devoted Muslim woman might be told that her spiritual actions are meaningless unless she completely submits to her husband's control. Similarly, a Catholic partner might be told that leaving the relationship is a grave sin, even if abuse is present.

Impact of Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse can deeply affect someone’s emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. Partners often feel isolated, ashamed, or unworthy. Faith, which should be a source of comfort, becomes a tool of control, leaving people disconnected from their spirituality.

For example, one woman told me: “My husband said if I left, I’d be damned forever. I felt trapped between my faith and my safety.” This internal conflict is common, especially in faiths that emphasise submission, forgiveness, or the sanctity of marriage.

For partners from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds, the harm can be even greater. Faith communities often provide both spiritual support and practical resources, like social networks or childcare. When an abuser cuts someone off from this lifeline, it amplifies feelings of loneliness and helplessness.

When Spiritual Abuse Escalates

Spiritual abuse, like other forms of abuse, often escalates over time. It might start with subtle manipulation and grow into more overt control or even physical violence. For example, an abuser might insist, "God gave me authority over you," to justify their control. They might quote religious texts to excuse violent behaviour, threaten eternal damnation for seeking a divorce, or discourage their partner from seeking help from clergy or faith communities.

Even if physical violence isn’t present, the emotional and psychological toll of spiritual abuse can be devastating. Gaslighting, coercion, and constant manipulation erode self-esteem and leave the victims feeling trapped.

Barriers to Leaving

Leaving an abusive situation is never easy, and spiritual abuse creates unique challenges. For instance, religious teachings can be used against the victim; a Jewish partner might be told that divorce is a violation of Halakha (Jewish law), while a Christian might hear that marriage vows are unbreakable.

Faith leaders' influence can also play a role, as clergy may unintentionally side with the abuser or encourage reconciliation without understanding the risks involved.

Cultural stigma adds another layer of difficulty, as some communities view divorce or separation as bringing shame not just to the individual but to their entire family.

Additionally, immigration threats are another tactic abusers might use, especially in migrant marriages, where they could threaten to revoke visas or deport their partners.

How Do You Escape Spiritual Abuse?

Abuse in any form is never acceptable, no matter what your faith is. You have every right to leave someone who treats you and/or your children badly. If you’re still trying to find the strength to leave, here are some steps you can take:

Start by looking at the true teachings of your religion. While some religious teachings may suggest wives should submit to their husbands, they also emphasise that husbands should love and respect their wives. Ask yourself if that is truly happening if your partner is abusive.

Next, call your local domestic violence shelter. If your church, mosque, or synagogue doesn’t offer a place of refuge, find a local domestic violence agency that can help you locate a shelter. Ask if they can refer you to a trained advocate with experience in divinity counselling who shares or is knowledgeable about your faith.

Consider seeking spiritual direction. Within your faith, you might seek guidance from a different church, synagogue, mosque, or place of worship. You might also explore other religious faiths if that feels right for you.

Take care of yourself. Compassionate self-care is an essential step in the healing process. In many cases, this doesn’t necessarily mean leaving your faith. However, if your faith leaders are contributing to the problem, it may be helpful to seek a safe space for spiritual practice elsewhere, at least temporarily.

Most importantly, reach out for help. If you decide it's time to leave the abuser, contact an advocate at a hotline to discuss your options. They can guide you in creating a safety plan, exploring legal options like an order of protection, and figuring out the safest way to leave.

Healing from Spiritual Abuse

Recovering from spiritual abuse is a deeply personal journey, but the following steps can often help:

First, acknowledging the abuse is crucial. Recognising that the abuse wasn’t your fault and naming your experiences is an important first step. For example, one survivor shared: "Realising that my abuser twisted scripture to control me was very liberating".

Seeking support is another key step. Connecting with understanding people, whether faith-sensitive therapists, support groups, or trusted friends, can be life-changing.

Reconnecting with your faith might involve exploring your spirituality on your terms. This could mean studying sacred texts with fresh eyes, free from an abuser’s interpretation, seeking guidance from new spiritual leaders, or exploring alternative practices like meditation or connecting with nature.

Establishing boundaries is essential to protect yourself from harmful people or environments. This might include limiting contact with unsupportive faith communities.

Finally, letting go of harmful teachings can be empowering. Reinterpreting religious texts or traditions that were used against you can help. For instance, reframing “submission” as mutual respect rather than blind obedience can be liberating.

Why Spiritual Abuse Hurts So Deeply

Spiritual abuse is especially damaging because it targets a person’s core sense of self and belonging. Faith often serves as a guide, offering comfort, hope, and a way to connect with others. When an abuser manipulates faith to exert control, the victim may feel lost, questioning their worth and struggling with feelings of shame. They might begin to view themselves as “sinful” or “unworthy” based on what their abuser says, leading to a deep internal conflict.

Being cut off from faith communities compounds the pain. Survivors are deprived of the social and emotional support that these groups provide. The rejection they may feel from their faith or a higher power can increase feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and isolation, deepening the emotional toll.

How We Can Support Our Loved Ones

If you’re in a position to support someone healing from spiritual abuse, the most important thing you can do is listen without judgment. Survivors often worry about being dismissed or misunderstood, so demonstrating empathy and acknowledging their feelings is essential. Being aware of cultural differences is also critical - understanding how a survivor’s background influences their experience can help you offer more effective and respectful support.

Providing resources such as support groups, counselling services, or faith-based organisations can also be a great help. Additionally, raising awareness about spiritual abuse and addressing harmful practices are ways we can actively contribute to supporting survivors and creating a safer environment.

A Call to Compassion

Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month is dedicated to making people aware and supporting people who have been in this situation. Recognising spiritual abuse, giving out resources that may enable others to cope with life, and challenging such bad practices will help others recoup lost strength and spirit.

Commit to raising your voices, challenging harmful narratives, and standing by those who are healing. Together, we create a world where faith is a source of strength and love, not a tool for control or harm.

Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month is dedicated to making people aware of this issue and supporting those who have been affected. By recognising spiritual abuse, providing resources, and challenging harmful practices, we can help others regain their strength and rebuild their spirit.

If you or someone you know has experienced spiritual abuse, you don’t have to face it alone. At Safe Space Counselling Services, I provide a compassionate, nonjudgmental environment where we can work together to process your experiences, rebuild your sense of self, and explore your path to healing.

📩 Contact me today to book a session or learn more about how I can support you.

Kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au

Let’s create a world where faith is a source of strength and love, not a tool for harm.