Gaslighting: Unravelling the Web of Psychological Abuse
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can leave victims questioning their own reality. It’s more than just disagreement; it’s a systematic dismantling of a person's perception of reality. The term "gaslighting" has become quite common today, often used as a buzzword to describe simple disagreements, insensitivity, or lies. This oversimplification creates a serious risk, as it undermines the gravity of the issue of psychological abuse. Gaslighting involves psychological manipulation leading the person on the receiving end to doubt their reality and even question their sanity.
This form of abuse is particularly effective because it gives power to the abuser—usually a close partner—within the relationship. Abuse in intimate relationships revolves around power and control. When you begin to distrust your own perceptions, memories, or competence, you are more likely to remain in the relationship, even when faced with significant levels of abuse.
Common Techniques of Gaslighting
Perpetrators of abuse use various techniques that fall under the umbrella of gaslighting. For example:
Denying reality. The abusive partner feigns memory loss or ignorance and acts as though something never happened or a promise was never made. For example, your partner promised you that he will attend a family wedding with you but later he says he never agreed to it. He might say “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never said I will go” or “You’re just making stuff up”. This makes you doubt your memory and question whether you might have imagined the promise, or maybe thought about asking him but never actually said it out loud.
Deflecting and twisting the truth. This is when they change the topic of conversation, deny responsibility or try to shift the blame on someone else. You might hear things like “Is that another crazy idea you got from your friend Izzy?”, “You’re making this up” or "It's not that I'm controlling, it's just that you're always overreacting". For example, during a disagreement, you mention your partner’s tendency to leave dirty dishes lying around. Rather than engaging with the point you are trying to make, they respond with, “Why do you keep bringing up old issues? You just want to find something to be upset about.” This response redirects the conversation away from their behaviour and leaves you feeling guilty for voicing your concerns.
Blame-shifting. Often, the abuser will shift blame onto the victim by accusing them of being "too sensitive" or overreacting. For example, after an argument, your partner shouts at you, and when you say how it makes you feel, they tell you, “If you hadn’t pushed me, I wouldn’t have gotten angry!” This tactic places the blame on you, making you feel responsible for their abusive outburst.
Minimising and using dismissive language. They might belittle your needs and feelings and dismiss your feelings: “You’re going to get angry over something so small?” or "You're crazy". For example, you tell your partner that you’re upset about something they said earlier and they reply, “You’re being too sensitive; it’s not a big deal. Just get over it.” This dismissive language belittles your feelings and makes you question if you have the right to feel this way.
Creating confusion. Abusers change subjects or create diversions to keep you off-kilter and uncertain about your own perceptions and perspectives like this: "You're the one who's lying, I can't believe you're accusing me of this". For example, you ask your partner why they were late coming home and they reply, “Why are you always so suspicious? It’s like you’re trying to make me feel guilty for having a life”. Their reply not only evades your question but also makes you feel like you’re the one with the problem.
Projection of their own behaviour. They may accuse you of being abusive, manipulative, or lying, which can make you question your own behaviour. They can say things like, “You’re trying to confuse me” or "You're the one who's being manipulative, I'm just trying to help you see reason". For example, if you confront your partner about their jealousy, they may tell you: “You’re just as jealous as I am! You’re the one who can’t handle me being around other people.” This tactic deflects the criticism back onto you, making you to doubt whether you are being unreasonable or not.
Isolating you. Isolation occurs when the abuser separates you from your friends, family, or any other support networks, making it difficult to seek help or get a different perspective. Have you ever heard this: "No one else understands you like I do, you don't need anyone else in your life". Or your partner expresses disapproval of your friends, saying, “They don’t care about you; they’re always just using you for something”. Over time, you start to avoid socialising with them, thinking you’re better off without them, which leaves you more isolated in the long term.
Using positive reinforcement to confuse you. An abuser might sprinkle the abuse with acts of kindness or affection to create a sense of confusion and self-doubt in your mind. For instance, you may hear: "I know I can be harsh sometimes, but it's only because I love you and want the best for you". Or take this example: After an intense argument, your partner brings you flowers and says “I love you so much; I just want what’s best for you.” This act of kindness is confusing when you contrast it with their earlier abusive behaviour, and it leaves you wondering if the love is genuine or just a manipulation tactic.
Distinction from Other Forms of Abuse
Many people confuse gaslighting, emotional abuse, or manipulation, but there are some differences between them. Understanding these differences can help you identify the specific tactics used and seek appropriate help. But there are some key differences:
Manipulation of Reality:
Gaslighting specifically involves manipulating someone’s perception of reality. The abuser consistently denies facts, memories, or events, leading the victim to doubt their understanding of situations. This can include tactics such as insisting that certain conversations never took place or that you are misremembering events.
In contrast, general emotional abuse may involve insults, threats, or intimidation without necessarily targeting the victim’s grasp of reality. For example, a partner might belittle their significant other by calling them names or questioning their intelligence without engaging in the intricate manipulation characteristic of gaslighting.
Focus on Instilling Doubt:
The primary goal of gaslighting is to instil doubt in your mind about your sanity or perception of reality. This can lead you to become overly reliant on the abuser for validation, which reinforces their power.
Other forms of emotional abuse, such as verbal abuse, aim to exert control or dominance through intimidation or humiliation, rather than directly targeting the victim's sense of reality.
Subtlety and Longevity:
Gaslighting often occurs subtly and can unfold over an extended period, making it difficult for you to recognise that you are being manipulated. The gradual erosion of trust in your perception of reality can create a sense of confusion and helplessness.
Other forms of emotional abuse, such as overt insults or explosive anger, can be more easily identifiable and might prompt immediate reactions or responses from the victim.
Isolation Techniques:
Gaslighters frequently employ tactics that isolate you from friends and family, claiming that these individuals do not have your best interests at heart. This can deepen your reliance on the abuser and reinforce feelings of loneliness and confusion.
While isolation can be a tactic used in various forms of abuse, it is particularly pronounced in gaslighting scenarios where the abuser casts doubt on the victim's relationships, making them question who they can trust.
Emotional Numbing:
Victims of gaslighting often experience a profound sense of emotional numbness and confusion, making it difficult to identify their feelings or thoughts. This can lead to a loss of self-identity and a sense of powerlessness.
Other emotional abuses, such as repeated belittling or shaming, can also lead to diminished self-esteem but may not specifically target the victim's grasp of reality in the same nuanced way as gaslighting.
Recognising the unique characteristics of gaslighting helps explain why this specific form of abuse is so damaging. If you suspect that you or someone you know may be experiencing gaslighting, it’s important to seek support and resources to reclaim your sense of reality and well-being.
Consequences of Gaslighting
The aftermath of gaslighting can be profound and have far-reaching consequences on various aspects of the life of the person who experienced it. Gaslighting can result in long-term emotional and psychological challenges.
One of the most obvious ones is the loss of self-esteem. You might lose your confidence and feel not good enough, you might be permanently doubting your thoughts and feelings.
People who have experienced gaslighting often face mental health challenges, including anxiety, depression, and a sense of hopelessness, and they may even show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to the emotional distress they went through.
Other serious consequences include isolation, as gaslighters often sever your connections with friends and family, which can leave you feeling alone and without support, intensifying your feelings of despair and loneliness.
You might also experience difficulty trusting others. Once the trust in your judgement is broken, you might struggle to trust other people which can impact your ability to form healthy relationships in the future.
The ongoing barrage of mixed signals from an abuser can create significant confusion, leading to cognitive dissonance. This is when you start to accept conflicting beliefs about yourself and your experiences. For example, an abuser might tell a victim that they love them and care for them, but then they'll consistently belittle them or dismiss their feelings. The victim wants to believe that they're loved, but the abuser's hurtful behaviour contradicts this belief. Over time, the victim might come to accept both beliefs - that they are loved, and that they are unworthy or undeserving of respect. This internal conflict can lead to cognitive dissonance.
This dissonance can be deeply distressing, leading the victim to doubt their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It is considered a significant psychological consequence of gaslighting and it can take many years to resolve, impacting their mental health and overall well-being.
The long-term impact of gaslighting makes you more vulnerable to entering into new abusive relationships, as it distorts your understanding of yourself and reality.
A Personal Account: Katie’s Story
Anonymised account based on an amalgamation of clients’ experiences.
I met Matt at a friend’s BBQ; he was an acquaintance of someone attending. I noticed him immediately and thought he was gorgeous. At the time, I was in an unfulfilling relationship. While it wasn’t overtly abusive, I felt unsatisfied. When I met Matt, there was an instant connection. He was not only good-looking but also gave me his undivided attention, asking about my family, my dreams and my desires. For the first time, I felt truly seen and appreciated.
Things moved quickly from there. I split up with my boyfriend, and we moved in together shortly after. Then things became confusing.
When Matt was in a good mood, he was wonderful. He was funny and attentive, making me feel alive. But his mood would shift dramatically. If I disagreed with him or wasn’t in the mood for something—like watching a specific show or having sex—he would become upset, rant, or give me the silent treatment. To avoid conflict, I started going along with whatever he wanted. If I challenged him, he would belittle me, calling me pathetic and question my decisions.
I also started to notice that things were going missing, like the food I thought I had bought disappeared from the fridge. When I asked Matt about it, he would insist I never brought it home. I’d show up for appointments only to find they were cancelled, I felt like I was losing my sanity.
Matt also tried to keep me from my family's gatherings, telling me my family didn’t care about me and he would blow minor issues out of proportion, saying he felt unwelcome and insisting we leave immediately. He went as far as telling my friends and my sister that I had mental health issues he was helping me overcome.
Eventually, he stopped me from seeing my friends and family, saying that I only needed him in my life and anyway everyone thought I was too no fun to be around and “nuts”.
By that time I was too afraid to make any decisions, I feared I would make the wrong decision and that he would be mad at me. I lost weight, had constant stomach pain, and felt alone and afraid all the time—even without any obvious threats.
Eventually, I went to see my GP, who referred me to a counsellor specialising in trauma and abuse. This therapist helped me realise that what I was experiencing was psychological abuse. I saw her for a few months which really helped me.
I have since reconnected with my family, who have been incredibly supportive, and I am working on rebuilding my life. I believe I can be safe and happy again.
Katie’s story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Her experience reminds me that while the road to recovery can be difficult, it is also filled with opportunities for growth and transformation. For anyone who may relate to Katie's struggles, remember that there is hope. By acknowledging the abuse, seeking support, and embracing self-discovery, it is possible to emerge stronger, reclaiming one's identity and happiness.
Seeking Help
Katie's journey is a powerful reminder of the resilience that lies within each of us. Her story shows us that even when faced with the most challenging circumstances, the human spirit has an incredible capacity for growth and transformation.
If Katie's story resonates with you, know that you are not alone. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It's okay to acknowledge the pain you've suffered. Seek support from loved ones or professionals to reclaim your sense of self and navigate your path to healing. There is always hope, and you deserve to be heard, believed, and respected.
Are You Experiencing Gaslighting?
Ask yourself:
Does your partner repeatedly say things that confuse you?
Have you started second-guessing yourself?
Are you always apologising to your partner?
Have you begun to question whether you are too sensitive?
Do you struggle to make everyday decisions?
Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?
Have you lost joy in life?
Do you feel you used to be a different person—more confident, fun-loving, and relaxed?
Are you questioning your perception of reality in your relationship?
Do you question your sanity altogether?
Have you been told:
“You’re crazy – that never happened.”
“Are you sure? Your memory is quite bad.”
“It’s all in your head.”
If you think you are affected by this issue and would like to talk to me about please do not hesitate to contact me.
A little bit about me:
My name is Kat, and I am a registered counsellor specialising in supporting women who are overcoming the emotional and psychological impacts of trauma. I provide compassionate guidance to those affected by domestic and sexual violence, childhood trauma, and other life-altering experiences. I also help women navigate the feelings of grief, loss, and identity challenges that often accompany trauma. In addition to one-on-one counselling,
I offer training sessions and workshops focused on domestic and family abuse. I am based in South East Melbourne and committed to empowering women on their journey to healing.
Work with me:
To work with me, email at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
or phone 0452 070 738
