Why Doesn’t She Leave? The Question That Misses the Point

After more than 15 years of working with women affected by domestic violence (DV) and sexual violence (SV), there is one question that comes up again and again: "But why doesn’t she leave?"

This question is not only frustrating but also harmful. It is often based on misconceptions and stereotypes - the belief that staying with an abusive partner is a sign of stupidity, masochism or co-dependency. These labels couldn’t be further from the truth, and worse, they absolve the abuser of responsibility. Let’s be clear: the victim is never to blame for the violence. No one deserves abuse.

There are countless reasons why someone stays with an abuser, and understanding these is critical for lawyers, advocates, and society as a whole if we want to reduce violence and save lives. Below are just a few of the factors that can keep someone trapped in an abusive relationship:

Leaving isn’t always as simple as finding the exit.

Personal Barriers:

Threats and Fear of Retaliation. Leaving can be extremely dangerous, as abusers often threaten to hurt or kill their partner or children if they try to leave. Studies show that the risk of being killed is highest for survivors when they leave their homes. It is important not to advise a survivor to leave the house without having a solid safety plan in place. Survivors may fear the perpetrator's revenge, especially if previous threats have been carried out, and they take these threats very seriously.

Denial. Some victims believe that they can fix the relationship or that the abuse is not as bad as it seems and that the abuse would stop if they were better partners.

Disabilities. People with disabilities often have great difficulty accessing court systems, social services, and basic information about available resources. Isolation exacerbates these barriers and makes it even more difficult to escape the abuser's manipulation, and they may even rely on the abuser for daily support.

Elderly Victims. Many older survivors have traditional views about marriage, feeling compelled to stay in their relationships despite the abuse. They may rely on their abuser for care and financial support, fearing they might end up in a nursing home or without help if they leave.

Hope for Change and Promises to Change. Survivors often cling to the hope that the violence will cease, which can keep them trapped in abusive situations. This hope is fuelled by promises from the perpetrator to change, pleas from children, encouragement from religious leaders, and family pressure to maintain the relationship. Many survivors want to believe that their abuser can change, not realising that the likelihood of the abuse ending without significant help is quite low. Abusers appear sincere when they promise to stop drinking, stop yelling, or stop hurting their partner, and survivors frequently give their abuser multiple chances to improve the situation in hopes of saving the relationship.

Abusers often blame job stress or drug use for their behaviour, which can confuse survivors, especially if no one holds the abuser accountable. However, domestic violence is not caused by stress, alcohol or drugs, although these factors can exacerbate the situation. Most people, even under stress or while using substances, do not abuse their partners. Abusers often use these excuses to justify their actions and manipulate their partner into staying.

Gratitude. Survivors may be grateful to their abuser for supporting and raising their children from a previous relationship or for helping them with a serious health problem. Abusers often manipulate their victims by making them feel that they owe them something. Phrases like "You are lucky I put up with you; no one else would" can make it even harder for survivors to leave the relationship.

Love, Attachment and Trauma Bonding. A survivor may still care about their abuser even though they wish the violence would stop. In the beginning, abusers can be very charming, and a survivor may wish to bring back the good times. They may think they need to try harder to please the abuser. This deep emotional attachment makes it even harder to escape.

Experiences of Previous Abuse. Past abuse can lead the survivor to believe they are to blame for being abused again, but in truth, no one deserves abuse.

Health

Health Problems. Medical problems of the victim or their children can lead to the victim feeling they need to stay with the perpetrator to continue receiving medical care. In Australia, access to bulk-billed services through Medicare may depend on remaining in the household if the abuser is listed as the primary cardholder.

Mental Health Struggles. Around 20% of adults in Australia struggle with mental health problems each year. For those struggling with mental illness and abuse by a partner, the situation can be even more difficult. These survivors may face discrimination or disbelief, especially if their abuser portrays them as 'crazy'. Abusers often fool their victims into believing that no one will support them if they talk about the abuse and that they really are “crazy”

Substance Abuse. If the survivor, the abuser, or both are using alcohol or drugs, this may discourage the survivor from getting help. They may fear that their children could be taken away from them. Also, a survivor may think that a shelter would not take them in if they are an addict.

Being a Student or a Teenager.

Being a Student. Students, whether in high school, college, or university, may fear that untrained staff may report their request for help or that their records may reveal their connection to an abuser. If the abuser is another student, the survivor might fear being labelled a "snitch" for speaking out.

Being a Teenager. Teenagers, especially if they are pregnant or already parents, are at higher risk of abuse in relationships. However, they are less likely to report it or ask adults for help. Many teens, especially those who have experienced or witnessed abuse at home, are more vulnerable to being in relationships with abusive partners. Low self-esteem and a desire to be loved can influence a teen’s decision to stay in an abusive relationship.

Cultural and religious barriers:

Cultural and religious beliefs can make it difficult for victims to leave the relationship, even if the abuse is severe. They may feel that they must remain true to their faith or fear that the community will side with the abuser rather than them.

Family Pressure. Family members who do not see a valid reason for leaving or have been deceived by the perpetrator’s charm can discourage victims from leaving. This pressure is caused by the fear of stigmatisation or by the perpetrator’s manipulation of the family.

Guilt, Shame, and Low Self-Esteem. Survivors often feel guilty, especially when abusers make them believe the abuse is their fault. This manipulation keeps survivors trapped in the cycle of violence. Many feel ashamed and fear judgment from others. Those with low self-esteem may feel they deserve the abuse, especially if they grew up in abusive environments.

Isolation. Abusers often isolate victims from family, friends, and support systems, making it harder to leave. This isolation is worse in rural areas where transportation and access to services are limited. Survivors may also fear embarrassment in close-knit communities, making it difficult to talk about the abuse.

Language Barriers. Survivors who don’t speak the dominant language may struggle to seek help or access resources, further complicating their ability to escape the abuse.

The Abuser is a Police Officer. Survivors may fear reporting abuse when the abuser is a police officer. They might believe that other officers won’t support them and worry that reporting the abuse could lead to the abuser losing their job and causing financial hardship. To know more about this situation, you can listen to this podcast:  “If your abuser is a cop, will the police still protect you?”.

Financial Barriers:

Financial abuse and despair. Abusers often control a survivor’s life through their financial situation, restricting access to money, credit cards, and bank accounts. They may convince survivors they can't manage finances on their own. Some survivors are forced to sign fake tax returns or engage in illegal activities, with threats of jail keeping them compliant. As a result, survivors often struggle financially and become dependent on the abuser. This dependency makes it difficult to leave, as welfare support is insufficient, increasing the likelihood of returning to the abuser for perceived financial security. For help, consider reaching out to Good Shepherd.

Fear of Becoming Homeless.  Domestic violence is a leading cause of homelessness among families. Survivors who become homeless face increased dangers as they try to meet their basic needs while also attempting to avoid their abusers.

Lack of transportation. Without a car to access a job or childcare, many survivors feel hopeless about the prospect of leaving and avoiding poverty or further harm.

Lacking Job Skills. Survivors without job experience often have to take minimum-wage jobs that offer few medical benefits and little flexibility. If an emergency happens, like a health issue or childcare problem, they might feel they have to go back to their abuser.

Legal Barriers:

The Abuser’s Power. Abusers who possess wealth, fame, or power within the community can hire lawyers and influence decisions, often making the legal process more difficult. Some even use private investigators to harass victims and their advocates.

Criminal Record. Survivors with a criminal record, especially those on probation, may fear retribution from the abuser and feel pressured to comply with their demands to avoid prison. A criminal record can also complicate obtaining a protection order, so it’s important to seek legal advice.

Previous Negative Experiences with the Court System. Survivors who’ve had bad experiences with the legal system may doubt its effectiveness, preventing them from seeking protection or filing charges.

Unaware Abuse is a Crime. Some survivors don't realise that the abuse they’re experiencing is a criminal offence, often because it’s been minimised by someone in their life.

Fear of Deportation. Survivors may fear losing their legal status, being separated from their children, or facing danger if they return to their home country, making it harder to leave the abuser.

Systemic and Advocacy Barriers:

Lack of Awareness or Advocacy. Without strong advocacy, survivors may feel lost and hopeless in navigating the complex legal and social service systems. Rural survivors or those without internet access may not realise help is available, leaving them feeling trapped.

Manipulation of Children. Abusers often manipulate children into pleading for their return, creating emotional turmoil. Children may want the violence to stop but still wish for the family to stay together. This emotional conflict is exploited, making it harder for the abused parent to leave. You can read more about the impact of domestic violence on children here: “Children affected by domestic abuse”.  

Impact on Children. Some survivors stay because they believe children need both parents, especially if the abuser hasn’t hurt the kids. The fear of losing custody is a powerful control tactic used by abusers to instill fear and prevent survivors from leaving. Read here about custody: “Domestic Violence and Child Custody Australia”.

Lack of literacy. Many adults in Australia struggle with basic literacy, making it hard for survivors to manage essential tasks like reading legal documents, job applications, or leases. This leaves them more dependent on their abusers.

Prison or Recently Released. Incarcerated or newly released survivors often lack support systems and may be pressured to return to their abuser’s home. Some have been manipulated into committing illegal acts on behalf of the abuser and fear going back to prison if they resist.

LGBTQ+ Relationships. LGBTQ+ people may fear disclosing their sexual orientation, fearing exposure by their abuser. This can jeopardise relationships, jobs, and even safety. Previous discrimination by the police can make seeking help even more difficult. For more information, read here.

Mediation. Some jurisdictions still require mediation in family law cases involving domestic violence, putting survivors at risk of further manipulation by their abuser. "Couples counselling" can also be dangerous, as it often reinforces power imbalances.

Veteran Families. In military families, intervention effectiveness depends on the commander’s response, which may prioritise the soldier’s career over the survivor’s safety. For advice on reporting domestic violence when you or your partner is in the military, read "Intimate Partner Violence Among Current and Former ADF Personnel and Their Families".

Lack of safe spaces. Shelters are often full, and housing is expensive. Survivors may worry about endangering loved ones by staying with them, making it crucial to have a careful safety plan.

It is safer to stay. In some cases, staying with the abuser feels safer, especially if the abuser has a history of stalking or threats. Survivors may feel they can anticipate when violence will occur, allowing them to protect themselves or their children.

Insecure immigration status. Survivors with insecure immigration status may find it difficult to access help but can still reach out to the Department of Home Affairs for assistance and protection, regardless of their visa status. They have "Family Violence Provisions" that might help secure your status and protect you from abuse. No matter what your visa status is, you can reach out to them to discuss your situation and find support services.

A Word of Warning: Healing Takes Time

Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. Survivors face a range of emotional and practical challenges, and the path to safety often feels overwhelming. It’s important to understand that the decision to leave is complex and can be filled with fear, confusion, and doubt. Everyone’s journey is different.

If you or someone you care about feels trapped in an abusive situation, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to take the time you need to figure things out, and seeking support is an important step. Therapy can help provide the understanding, tools, and emotional support to navigate this difficult process.

I offer a safe space where you can address the trauma, explore your options, and move forward in a way that feels right for you. You don’t have to go through this alone, and it’s okay to take your time in making decisions that are best for you and your family.

If you’re ready to take the next step or have any questions, feel free to get in touch.

If you would like to talk to me, you can contact me at:

📧 Email me at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 Call or text: 0452 285 526