Relationship Red Flags: Signs You Shouldn't Ignore

Red flags are tell-tale signs that trouble is coming. Recognising them early and acting on these warning signals can prevent disappointment and heartache. Not all relationships are good for us; some don't work out, some can even be toxic, and it’s important to recognise the warning signs. So, let’s look at some red flags.

Inconsistent Behaviour

Your partner may be overly attentive at one time and distant at another. They might have a habit of acting poorly or hurting other people’s feelings and then apologizing profusely. These apologies give you hope that things will change, so you stay in the relationship.

Lack Of Accountability

If your partner deflects blame and avoids responsibility for their mistakes it can be a red flag. They may reinvent events or create an entirely different story that places the blame on others. Or they can adopt a victim mentality to get sympathy and redirect attention away from their mistakes. This lack of accountability provides them with a convenient escape from confronting their shortcomings and enables the continuation of their harmful behaviour.

Lack of Appreciation

They don’t celebrate, or remember, your birthday, celebrate your achievements, or appreciate the efforts you put into the relationship. You might feel that your partner doesn't value you, doesn’t praise you or love you. Feeling unappreciated or even unloved is not only hurtful but also makes you feel like you are needy. Over time, you begin to doubt your own worth and your self-esteem plunges.

Constantly Discussing or Comparing You To Their Ex

If your partner often talks about their ex, whether positively or negatively, it suggests they haven’t fully moved on. Their emotions regarding the past relationship are still strong, indicating that the new relationship may be a way to cope with these unresolved feelings.

Also, if they fail to recognise how they contributed to the break-up and fully blame it on someone else this should ring alarm bells for you. If you break up with them, you'll probably get a "crazy ex" moniker too.

Secrecy

Honesty and trust are the hallmarks of any healthy relationship. If your partner keeps secrets from you or refuses to give direct answers, it may be a sign that they don’t want to share what’s going on. While some lies might seem like not a big deal, you should be wary if your partner frequently lies to you.

History Of Infidelity 

If they have a history of cheating on their partners, you may spend a lot of your time worrying that they will cheat on you too. Cheating can also have an impact on your mental health and self-confidence, making you think that you are not good enough for your partner.

Different Life Goals

It’s important to find someone who shares similar life goals to yours, especially in a long-term relationship. Having conflicting life goals might leave you unhappy in the long run. Pay particular attention to life goals like marriage, where you want to live or if you want to have children.

Communication Issues

Look out for a lack of open and honest conversation, fear of confrontation, fear of conflict or loss of control during arguments.

If your partner avoids discussing important topics or ignores your feelings, it may indicate that they are emotionally unavailable. Similarly, if they persistently talk over you or dominate conversations. This kind of behaviour can be a sign of disrespect or lack of consideration for your opinions.

Conflict Avoidance 

Sometimes people might believe they are saving a relationship by avoiding any kind of disagreement. But ultimately, it only leads to prolonged passive aggression. Although it may be unpleasant, dealing with constructive conflict is an important part of all relationships. Without constructive conflict, serious problems will never be resolved which can lead to resentment.

Unwillingness to Compromise

If your partner is unwilling to compromise and insists on things being done their way, it can lead to repeated conflict, which can erode the relationship over time.

Controlling behaviour: such as signs of possessiveness, jealousy or attempts to control you.

Controlling behaviour can manifest itself in many ways, from subtle manipulation to overt attempts to control your behaviour and decisions. If your partner is overly possessive and jealous they may constantly check your phone or social media and invade your privacy or make unfounded accusations. This behaviour is not only a violation of your trust but also a sign of a lack of confidence in the relationship.

Lack of Respect

Respect is a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships. It's about treating each other as equals, respecting each other's opinions, and respecting each other's boundaries. Lack of respect can be a clear warning sign. Watch out for partners who constantly belittle or insult you.

Ignoring your boundaries is also a red flag. If your partner consistently ignores your wishes, such as by violating your privacy, forcing you into uncomfortable situations, or ignoring your need for personal space, it's a sign that your autonomy is being compromised.

Lack of Trust

Consider the idea of ​​"control versus help." Do they support your efforts, or try to limit your choices? Do they assume or anticipate betrayal? Are they overtly protective, do they refuse to forgive even the smallest mistakes? Are they wary of people?  The bottom line is, if they interrogate, go through your things, or phone, check on you constantly, demand that you always tell them what you are doing if you feel that you are honest and upfront with them, but they still don’t trust you, is a red flag.

Emotional Abuse: such as Emotional Manipulation, Gaslighting, and Verbal Aggression

Emotional abuse is a serious warning sign that should never be tolerated in a relationship. It is subtle and insidious, making it difficult to detect at first. However, it is important to be aware of the signs and take steps to protect yourself. One form of emotional abuse is manipulation. If your partner is making you feel guilty, ashamed, or responsible for their actions, that's a clear warning sign. They may use tactics such as gaslighting, which can distort your perception of reality or make you question your own sanity. Verbal attacks, insults, and constant criticism are also forms of emotional abuse and can affect self-esteem and well-being.

Financial Control and Irresponsibility

Disagreements over money are common, but certain patterns of behaviour can act as red flags. If your partner constantly monitors your spending, restricts access to your money, or tries to dictate how you manage your finances, this indicates a power imbalance and lack of trust. Financial irresponsibility can also be a red flag. If your partner consistently overspends, racks up debt without considering the consequences, or doesn't contribute their fair share to shared expenses, it may indicate a lack of responsibility and accountability.

Isolation and Alienation

Isolation and alienation are warning signs that should not be ignored. If your partner constantly tries to isolate you from your friends, family, and other support systems, it may indicate a desire for control or a lack of trust. It can prevent you from spending time with your loved ones, criticise your relationships outside of your relationship, and create a sense of dependence on them. This kind of emotional manipulation can cause feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Physical and Sexual Abuse, Sexual Coercion

If you are experiencing any form of physical or sexual violence in your relationship, it is important to seek help immediately.

Physical abuse can manifest in a variety of ways, from physical attacks such as hitting, pushing, or throwing objects to more subtle forms such as grabbing, pinching, or restraining.

Sexual abuse includes non-consensual sexual acts and coercion. If your partner forces you to perform sexual acts without your consent, violates your boundaries or engages in any form of sexual violence, this is a clear warning sign.

If you are experiencing physical or sexual abuse, contact a domestic violence hotline or support organization. Remember that your safety and well-being are always our top priority.

Lack of friends

Not everyone has a large circle of friends, and that’s okay. Some people simply find it difficult to connect with others and might suffer from social anxiety or shyness. However, the absence of friends or close relationships can be a red flag.

If your partner has a hard time forming or maintaining a relationship, it may be an indication that you have a hard time building a relationship with them, too. Try to understand why your partner has difficulty forming connections with others. If you notice a lack of self-reflection, personal guilt, or lack of motivation, you'll probably get the same treatment in your relationship too.

Putting You Down

The way someone speaks to you matters. If your partner is always putting you down, criticising you, or hurting your feelings it is a serious problem. When criticism and belittling comments become repetitive, you may start to believe them, and it will affect your self-respect and self-esteem.

Rushing into the Relationship

Rushing into a relationship means that you are moving too quickly without taking the time to fully understand your feelings and the other person's intentions. This often involves ignoring warning signs, and significant issues and overlooking potential deal breakers. 

This can happen for many reasons, such as loneliness, feeling insecure, seeking validation, or being afraid of being alone. But it can also be a sign that they are desperate or that they want to snag you before you discover some deep, dark secret or their true nature.

Love-bombing

Love-bombing is a form of emotional manipulation where the person uses this tactic to gain your trust and make you dependent on them. They strive to become the centre of your world, making themselves the most important person in your life. As the relationship progresses, it becomes easier for them to devalue or discard you, and they may even make you believe that you are at fault. In such situations, you might find yourself more inclined to bend your own boundaries or do things you don't want to do, all in an attempt to regain their affection.

Your Friends and Family Don’t Like Them

Sometimes, if people who care for you and love you tell you that there is something “off" about your new partner, listen to them. You might not like hearing criticism about your new partner, but your friends and family may see things more clearly from an outside perspective. It might be worth hearing their concerns as they might be noticing some red flags that you are too smitten to see.

They Don’t Make an Effort to Get to Know Your Friends and Family

All relationships are different, every relationship arrives at the “meet my family” stage in its own time, and some never do. It's not about the length of time that you know them, it's about the emotional feeling that you have with each other, the bond you have made. If they want to maintain distance from your loved ones might be an indicator that they don't value your family and friends. It would be completely fair to ask if they see long-term potential in the relationship, their view on commitment and other “big picture” questions.

You Never Meet Their Friends 

You have been dating for a while and still haven’t met your partner’s friends? Maybe you started thinking that your partner is hiding their friends from you for some reason, or that they are hiding something about themselves. To really integrate into one another’s lives, you need to meet each other’s important people. You can learn a lot about a person when you see them in a group setting versus one-on-one. How people interact with their friends says a lot about who they are.

It is also worth remembering that people who don't have any friends can become very clingy and dependent on you. This can be a red flag unless it is something you are looking for in a relationship.

The Relationship Is All About Them

If your partner always wants to do things in a way that is convenient for them, such as ordering food or going to restaurants they like, never considering your preferences is a red flag. Relationships are about compromise, on the big and small stuff. If there isn’t that balance, then you will eventually come to resent this lack of fairness in the relationship. When that arises, it will be harder to maintain the relationship.

They Don’t Like When You Spend Time Away from Them

It's healthy to have space for yourself so pay attention to how your partner reacts when you want to spend some time apart from them.  If you are out and don't send a text right away, is your partner grumpy? Do they make you feel guilty? If so, these behaviours should give you cause for concern. On one hand, it shows possessiveness. On the other, they may have difficulty meeting their own emotional needs, which needs to be resolved if you want to have a healthy relationship long term.

It could also point towards co-dependency, which in a long-term relationship can lead to problems such as emotional exhaustion and increased mental strain. Co-dependency or “relationship addiction” is a situation in which two people rely solely on each other for emotional, psychological, and even physical support.

You Are Second-guessing Their Feelings Toward You

It should be obvious that your partner is into you. If it’s not so clear, that’s a red flag.

It’s not a great foundation for a relationship if you don’t have that emotional security. While it might take time for someone to know how they are feeling about the other person, they should be able to talk about that. But if they’re making you second guess, then it is going to undermine the future of the relationship.

They Are Obsessed With Your Past Relationships 

Everyone has a past. Talking about previous relationships should be done respectfully, and with honesty. However, if your partner is pressingly asking about your past relationships, this is a red flag. Someone who doesn't respect your privacy, or your relationship history, is unlikely to respect you as well.

They Are Unreliable 

If they cancel one or two dates here and there that’s understandable. But if they constantly cancel for no reason or because something better has come up, they show you that they don’t respect you or your time. You will always be competing for his attention. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are the number one priority.

They Make You Share Your Location

Think about boundaries and respect. If they need to know your location at all times, this is a red flag. If you are in an established relationship, feel safe with your partner and you want to share your location that’s fine. Just remember that some people want you to share your location because they want to feel in control.

They Want to Know Who You Are With

Wanting to know who you're with can be a natural part of a relationship, especially if your partner is interested in your life and wants to make sure you're safe. However, if your partner becomes excessively jealous, possessive, or controlling about who you spend time with, this is a red flag. It's important to set boundaries if you feel like your partner's behaviour is overstepping the mark. You choose who you spend your time with, without needing to report your whereabouts or justify your actions to your partner.

They Give You Unwanted Gifts

Receiving unwanted gifts from a partner can be a tricky situation, especially if it's part of a pattern of controlling or manipulative behaviour. This can include ignoring your preferences and consistently giving you gifts that you have explicitly said you don't want. It can be a sign that they are not respecting your preferences or boundaries. It can also create a sense of obligation or debt in the relationship, which can be a form of manipulation.

If your partner is spending an excessive amount of money on gifts for you, this can be a sign that they are using gifts to try to buy your affection or loyalty. They can also be using gifts to make up for their behaviour or apologise for mistreating you or as a way of "making up" for other negative behaviours.

They Slam Doors and Bang Things

Slamming doors and banging things are behaviours that can be alarming and potentially threatening. They can also be signs of anger management issues or emotional dysregulation.

Slamming doors and banging things can be a way to intimidate or frighten a partner, creating a sense of fear or anxiety. They can be a warning sign that the situation is escalating and may become violent or dangerous. Slamming doors and banging things can be a way of showing disrespect for your property or personal space.

They Ask You to Change Your Outfit

Asking you to change your outfit can be a sign of controlling behaviour, especially if it happens frequently or if your partner is critical of your clothing choices. If your partner tries to control what you wear or how you present yourself, this can be a sign of an overall pattern of controlling behaviour in the relationship. If they are consistently critical or dismissive of your clothing choices, this can be a sign of disrespect.

In some cases, asking you to change your outfit may be motivated by jealousy or possessiveness. Your partner may feel threatened by the idea of you attracting attention from others.

They Tell You No One Else Would Want You

That is a hurtful and unacceptable thing for anyone to say. Unfortunately, it is a common thing that an abusive person will say to their partner. Most abusers say this to make you believe that you are worthless and that no one else would want you if you leave or that you can’t make it on your own. If you frequently feel put down by your partner or that you’re stuck in your relationship, there may be a problem.

Substance Misuse

If your partner engages in substance misuse it can become a problem in the relationship. Using substances can affect a person’s judgment and decision-making ability which can affect the relationship as a whole in the long run.

If you have a partner who regularly misuses substances, then they may have an addiction.

But while substance abuse can be a red flag, you can work through substance abuse issues if your partner is willing to access treatment.

Untreated Mental Health Issues

People with mental health issues can have healthy relationships, of course. But if the symptoms aren't treated or stabilised, it can make a relationship very challenging.

Bottom Line

Warning signs in a relationship should never be ignored. They serve as a warning of potential problems further down the road. It is important to recognise warning signs early as it will give you a chance to reflect on whether you want to commit yourself to this relationship and the challenges that it might bring.

Remember that you are worthy of a relationship based on trust, respect, and love. Don't ignore warning signs.

If you need space to talk about your experience, please get in touch with me, you can contact me here.