Finding Peace: Managing Emotions After Your Abuser's Death

The death of someone who has inflicted you significant pain can evoke a complicated range of emotions. Grieving is rarely straightforward, and if the person who has passed was an abuser, those emotions can become even more tangled up. If you're struggling to make sense of your emotions after losing someone who hurt you, please remember that you're not alone, and every emotion you experience, no matter what it is, is completely valid.

Lessons From My Client

Erica, a woman in her late 60s came to see me after her husband's passing. They had been married for many years and appeared to be an ordinary couple to outsiders. In one of our early sessions, she disclosed a long-held secret: her husband had been abusive towards her throughout their marriage. She endured years of control, fear, and manipulation, all while concealing the truth from those around her.

Her children, however, knew what was happening at home. Even though she downplayed the abuse, they saw the reality of the relationship and, as adults, encouraged her to leave, offering to help her if necessary. But she didn’t leave.

Eventually, her children broke off contact with both their parents, a loss that devastated her. She mourned the loss of her children, feeling abandoned and punished for decisions she wasn’t ready to make. But despite the pain of losing her children, she stayed.

Why adult children might choose to go no-contact with their parents if they grew up in abusive households:

Emotional pain. Maintaining contact with their parents can trigger painful memories and emotions linked to their traumatic experiences.

Trust issues. The experiences of abuse they endured could lead to a lack of trust in their parents, even towards the non-abusive one, as they may feel that they should have been protected as children.

Self-protection. Disconnecting serves as a protective strategy for them, shielding both their emotions and physical well-being from their parents.

Toxic dynamics. They might feel that the relationship with their parents is toxic and that the only way to set boundaries and avoid negative interactions is to stop contact with them altogether.

Trying to heal. They may think that for their healing, they need to cut ties with their parents so that they can focus on building healthier relationships and moving on in life.

Limited understanding. Sometimes, the non-abusive parent might not be aware of the extent of the impact of the abuse or may even minimise it, which might feel frustrating and invalidating for the adult child.

Enabling behaviours. The non-abusive parent may have unintentionally enabled the abusive parent's behavior, making it harder for the adult child to separate their feelings of hurt toward each parent.

Towards the end of his life, her husband became bedridden. Although nurses came to help, she was the one who was there all of the time. And she resented him for it. He never apologised for the years of mistreatment. On the contrary, he remained vicious towards her, which made caregiving for him even more difficult. She told me that he deliberately soiled the sheets, another way of exerting control even in his final days. The burden of this responsibility, combined with the years of abuse, left her emotionally exhausted and resentful.

When he died, she was shocked that she was grieving. She grieved not only for his death but for the life she never had, for the love promised but never given, and for the possibility of change that would never come. She also felt relief, but with that relief came guilt. How could she mourn a man who had hurt her so much? And how could she not?

Her story is not uncommon, and it shows just how complicated the emotions that can surface when an abuser dies are.

Grief is rarely simple, especially when love and pain co-exist.

A Complicated Loss

When someone you know has died, there is a range of emotions you can expect to feel: sadness, anger or maybe guilt. But what if the person who died has caused you pain? What if your memories are not of someone who gave you love and protection but of someone cruel, controlling and abusive? The death of an abuser does not follow the typical grief script, which can make it difficult to process your feelings.

Many people experience a mix of sadness, anger, relief, confusion, guilt, and even numbness. You may mourn the person you could have become, the relationship that might have been, or the hope you once held that they could change. At the same time, there may be a sense of relief, a recognition that this person can no longer hurt you. This feeling of relief can sometimes be accompanied by guilt: Should I feel this way? Is it wrong not to be sad?

The truth is, there is no "should" when it comes to grief. Our feelings are a product of our experiences, and they don’t need to fit into any kind of mould.

Mixed Emotions: Feeling Sad Yet Relieved

It is not unusual to feel a certain sadness when an abuser dies. This sadness doesn’t mean that you miss the abuser's abuse; it can also mean that you mourn the beautiful moments, however fleeting they were. Many abusers are not cruel 100% of the time; they often go through cycles, including times when they were charming and promising of change. Those moments may have offered you a glimmer of hope, so it's painful to accept that the person you once cared about is now truly gone.

At the same time, however, there can also be relief. If you lived in fear of this person, even after you ended the relationship, their death can feel like a final break with that fear. You may no longer have to look over your shoulder, worry about the person contacting you, or brace yourself for the next attempt at control or manipulation.

If you feel relief, it does not mean you wished them harm. It simply means that you are human, and your nervous system recognises that a source of stress and danger is permanently gone from your life.

The Anger of Unresolved Justice

One of the hardest feelings to deal with can be anger, not just at the perpetrator but at the realisation that they will never be held accountable for their actions. There will be no apology, no moment where they acknowledge the pain they have caused. If you have ever held on to the hope that the perpetrator would one day admit their wrongdoing, their death can feel like the ultimate betrayal - a last chance to escape justice.

This anger is justified. It can also come with the painful awareness of how many people you have lost along the way. Abuse often isolates victims, whether because the abuser actively pushed others away or because loved ones distanced themselves when they saw that the situation wasn’t changing. Now that you are beginning to process this loss, you may also need to rebuild your world. And that can feel daunting. Are you strong enough to start again? To reconnect with people? To step into a life that for so long revolved around your abuser?

The answer is yes. But it’s okay if it doesn’t feel that way yet. Healing is a process, and rebuilding takes time.

Guilt and the “What Ifs”

Guilt is another common emotion, especially when you feel relieved. Society often teaches us that all losses should be mourned in a traditional way. But grieving isn’t about meeting expectations—it’s about coming to terms with your own reality.

You may also think, "What if they had changed?" or "Could things have been different?”. These “what if” thoughts can cause you to stay trapped in a cycle of grief that is more about mourning the lost potential than the actual person. It’s important to remember that real change should have come from this person and that they did not make that choice in life. Wishing things had gone differently is natural, but it doesn’t change the past.

Re-experiencing Trauma

For some survivors, news of the perpetrator's death can bring unresolved trauma to the surface. Memories may flood in more often; nightmares may increase, and anxiety or even flashbacks. Sometimes, there is even that irrational, deep-seated fear that the perpetrator's death isn't real, that it was one last act of manipulation or gaslighting.

If you are showing symptoms of PTSD or if your emotional pain becomes overwhelming, support from a counsellor, therapist, or support group can be helpful. This will be treated with trauma-informed therapies, such as EMDR- Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing - or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) that will help you work through such responses and find ways to heal.

Finding Your Closure

Closure can take various forms. For some individuals, it might involve reading the deceased's obituary or attending a memorial service if they feel it's suitable. Others might achieve closure by writing an unsent letter, expressing their thoughts in writing, or engaging in a symbolic gesture like lighting a candle or visiting a serene location for reflection.

A friend of mine had to clear out her abusive father's apartment after his death. Although the experience was difficult, it allowed her to release some long-held emotions. By going through his belongings and deciding what to keep or discard, she felt empowered to reclaim a part of her life that he had previously dominated.

Support Network Matters

Regardless of your feelings about the passing of an abuser, you don't have to face it alone. Talking to people who can empathise with your situation, be it close friends, family members, a therapist or a domestic violence support group, can help you cope with your feelings without fear of judgment. Finding a safe space to share your feelings can be very helpful in coping with this particular type of grief.

Respect Your Healing Process

There is no wrong or right way to experience feelings. Whether you feel relief, sadness, numbness, anger or a combination of these feelings, all are valid. The important thing is that you take the time and space to process them without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Healing isn't about conforming to societal norms for grief, but about honouring your journey. Take things slowly, seek support when needed, and remember that you deserve peace, both now and in the future.

If you would like to talk to me about your experiences, you can contact me at:

📧 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au

📞 0452 285 526