Why Does Healthy Love Feel Uncomfortable After Abuse?
One day, Sarah sat across from me and asked me, frustration in her voice, "Why am I still attracted to 'bad boys' even after everything I went through?"
I explained how, during an abusive relationship, the brain and body adapt to constant stress, keeping you in survival mode. When you spend years feeling unsafe, your nervous system begins to see chaos as normal. This pattern can persist even after leaving, so when a kind and stable partner enters your life, it can feel… wrong.
Therapy offers a safe space for healing and support after experiencing abuse.
Sarah’s face fell. "Does this mean I'm doomed to end up in another toxic relationship?"
I reassured her that this wasn’t about fate - it was about biology. Just as the body adjusts to substances like nicotine or sugar, it also adapts to the stress hormones that come with an unsafe relationship. Adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol become part of your baseline state. A calm relationship, one without extreme highs and lows, can feel foreign, like something is missing.
At first, Sarah felt confident. "I’ve worked so hard to heal; I won’t make the same mistake again." But in later sessions, she admitted, "I met so many kind, wonderful men, and I just wasn’t drawn to them. But when I met someone who was insanely charming and unpredictable, I felt an instant spark."
Sarah, who had spent years in a relationship filled with emotional ups and downs, was beginning to realise she had mistaken intensity for passion. When she finally met someone kind, she panicked. "He doesn’t get mad when I walk away from an argument. He just lets me have my space. It almost feels like he doesn’t care."
We unpacked that belief together. In her past, love had been tied to emotional chaos. She believed that someone insisting on following her after an argument proved their love. She saw jealousy as devotion. She thought passion meant someone couldn’t keep their hands off her, no matter what.
Slowly, she started to recognise that real love isn’t about chasing; it’s about respect.
The Body’s Response to Trauma
Much like how the body adjusts to high levels of sugar or nicotine, it also adapts to a toxic environment by overproducing stress hormones like adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol. For more insights on how trauma affects memory, check out my post on ‘How Trauma Affects Memory". These chemicals help you survive in unsafe conditions by keeping you hyper-aware, ready to react, and always on edge. Unfortunately, once your body is used to running on these chemicals, calmness and stability feel unnatural. When survivors enter a stable relationship, they might unknowingly try to recreate the chaos, picking fights or questioning their partner’s feelings just to spark some emotional intensity.
Sarah admitted, "I met over a hundred men over the years and found that I was deathly bored by the good, kind ones. Instead, I was extremely attracted to the 'bad boys' - the ones who were distant, unpredictable, or narcissistic."
She would even apologise to the good guys she dated, saying, "I wish I was more into you because you’re such a damn good person." But her body was still wired to seek out danger, not peace.
She had spent so long equating intensity with love that stability felt boring. But this wasn’t about love; it was about her nervous system struggling to adjust to safety.
Why Healthy Love Feels Wrong at First
When you’ve spent years in survival mode, peace can feel foreign. The body is wired to expect chaos, and when that chaos is gone, something feels off. Some survivors even sabotage their healthy relationships without realising it, simply because stability feels unfamiliar.
This is why so many survivors find themselves saying:
"Nice guys are boring."
"I feel nothing for people who treat me well."
"I keep falling for the same type of toxic person."
It’s not that healthy partners are actually boring; it’s that your nervous system is still searching for the emotional rollercoaster it has learned to associate with love.
Retraining Your Brain and Body to Accept Healthy Love
Healing from toxic relationships isn’t just about avoiding unhealthy people; it’s about learning how to feel safe in healthy love. This is a two-step process:
1. Breaking the Habit of Seeking Unhealthy Relationships
o Recognising when you’re drawn to toxic dynamics and making a conscious choice to step away.
o Learning that love doesn’t have to be painful or dramatic to be real.
2. Rewiring Your Nervous System for Healthy Love
o Teaching your body to feel safe, calm, and stable in a healthy relationship.
o Developing a new baseline of what ‘at home’ feels like so that love no longer feels unsettling.
At first, healthy relationships might feel foreign, even uncomfortable. But just like reducing sugar in your diet, over time, your body adjusts. Eventually, chaos will no longer feel exciting - it will feel exhausting. And stability will feel like home.
Breaking Free from Toxic Relationship Patterns
If you’ve spent years in toxic or dramatic relationships, it’s not because you’re “choosing wrong”. It’s because, at some point, chaos became familiar.
For many, unhealthy dynamics start early - when emotional turmoil and unpredictability feel like the norm. Over time, you learn to dismiss your intuition because your thoughts and feelings have been repeatedly invalidated. Even when a part of you senses that something isn’t right, you might ignore it - sometimes because you don’t recognise the warning signs, and sometimes because, deep down, the intensity feels strangely comforting.
This can make it difficult to step into a stable, healthy relationship. After experiencing narcissistic or toxic relationships, calm can feel boring, and kindness can feel suspicious. But the good news? You are not destined for a lifetime of toxic relationships.
The key is to recognise why you feel drawn to emotional highs and lows. What patterns have shaped your view of love and connection? Once you identify these, you can start shifting your beliefs and redefine what a healthy relationship looks like for you.
You deserve respect. You deserve stability. You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt.
Steps to Healing and Embracing Healthy Love
Acknowledge the Discomfort. Feeling uneasy in a healthy relationship doesn’t mean something is wrong; it means your nervous system is adjusting. Be patient with yourself.
Identify Old Patterns. Notice when you’re seeking chaos. Are you picking fights? Testing boundaries? Craving drama? Recognising these habits is the first step to breaking them.
Redefine Love. Remind yourself that love should feel safe, kind, and stable, not unpredictable or painful.
Communicate Openly If you’re in a new, healthy relationship, talk to your partner about your past experiences. A good partner will be patient as you navigate this transition.
Seek Support Therapy, support groups, or even talking to friends who have been through similar experiences can be incredibly helpful. You are not alone in this journey.
You Deserve Love That Doesn’t Hurt
If this resonates with you, know this: your past does not define your future. You are not destined to repeat toxic cycles. You can heal. And you deserve a love that is steady, safe, and fulfilling.
A love that doesn’t leave you questioning your worth. A love that feels like home - not a battlefield. A love that is real, strong, and kind.
And when you find it, don’t run. Stay. Let yourself trust the peace. Because love isn’t supposed to be chaos - it’s supposed to be safe.
If you need support on your healing journey, I’m here to help. Book a session at Safe Space Counselling Services and start your path to healthier relationships today.
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526
