Why Do You Feel Lonely in a Relationship with a Narcissist
Disclaimer:
Narcissism is a recognised mental health condition according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). In this blog, we use the term "narcissist" casually to describe people who display significant narcissistic traits, rather than to diagnose anyone. The emphasis is on the behaviors and interactions that may arise in relationships with these individuals, which can result in feelings of isolation and emotional pain.
If you think you are in a relationship with someone who shows narcissistic traits, it is crucial to seek help from a professional.
Loving a Narcissist
The first time Sarah sensed something was off, she was sitting across from Mike in their favourite restaurant. She had just been told about her promotion at work, something she'd been working towards for months. As she recounted the news with enthusiasm, she caught Mike's eyes flicking to his phone, then scanning the restaurant, before he cut her off.
"That's great," he said, scrolling through his messages. "Did I tell you about the client I landed today? The CEO practically begged me to take their account."
Sarah felt a familiar void fill her chest. There she stood, two feet from the man she had shared three years with, and she might as well have been addressing a wall. The physical closeness only served to accentuate the emotional distance.
The Paradox of Together But Alone
"It's the strangest feeling," Sarah told me, "I've never felt more lonely than when I'm with him. How is that even possible?"
I explained that when we're on our own, we expect to feel a bit of loneliness. But when we're with someone who's meant to love us, yet they're emotionally unavailable, that loneliness hits harder.
Sarah's experience is not unique. So many people are in relationships with narcissistic partners, experiencing a suffocating loneliness that they cannot begin to describe to anyone. On the surface, everything is fine. Inside, there is an emptiness that grows daily.
The Love That Started Like a Fairy Tale
"When I first met Mike, I couldn't believe someone could understand me so completely," Sarah recalled. Those early days of the relationship had been thrilling. Mike seemed to read her mind, to be interested in her hobbies, and to validate her in ways that no one ever had before.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a specialist in narcissistic relationships, explains this trend comparing the narcissist to a researcher who studies you first. They're like anthropologists learning about a new culture, and they're making very careful observations about what you like, what you appreciate, what hurts you. Not to truly know you, but to create a perfect reflection of what you're seeking"
For Sarah, the shift happened gradually after they moved in together. The attentive texts became scarce. Conversations increasingly revolved around Mike's work, Mike's friends, Mike's needs. When Sarah spoke about her day, his eyes would glaze over, or he'd find ways to redirect the conversation back to himself.
"I started keeping my stories shorter, my problems smaller," Sarah admitted. "Eventually, I just stopped sharing altogether. What was the point?"
The Invisible Erosion of Connection
The human need for connection is fundamental. We're born to do it. Emotional closeness in healthy relationships brings a feeling of safety, a sense that we're being seen and accepted by another.
With narcissistic partners, this relationship is always undermined in ways that are often difficult to recognise:
For Sarah, it happened through a series of small moments:
The time she cried after a fight with her sister, and Mike responded by talking about how stressful his day had been
The dinners where she'd ask about his day and listen attentively for 30 minutes, only to have him interrupt her after 30 seconds when she began sharing her experiences
The subtle eye roll when she expressed an opinion different from his
The way he'd check his phone whenever she talked about her emotions
"I remember thinking I was going crazy," Sarah said. "He'd say, 'Of course I care about your day,' but his actions told a completely different story. When I'd point this out, he'd tell me I was being too demanding or sensitive."
When Your Lifelines Start Disappearing
"Where's your friend Jen been lately?" Sarah's mother asked during a rare lunch together. "You two were inseparable."
Sarah shifted uncomfortably. "She's been busy. We text sometimes."
The truth was more complicated. Mike had never liked Jen. "She's so negative about men," he'd say after Sarah returned from coffee with her. "Notice how she's always trying to get you to go out when I have important work events? She doesn't respect our relationship."
Over time, these comments created tension in Sarah's friendship. Similarly, family gatherings became battlegrounds. Mike would either dominate conversations or withdraw completely, making everything so uncomfortable that Sarah eventually stopped accepting invitations.
"It didn't happen overnight," Sarah explained. "First, it was just declining weekend plans because Mike had had a 'rough week' and needed her support. Then it was seeing family less because gatherings always ended with tense car rides home where Mike would catalog all the ways her family had slighted him.
"Before I knew it, my world had shrunk to just him. And ironically, once he became my entire world, he seemed less interested than ever."
The Moments That Finally Broke Through
For Sarah, clarity came in fragments—small moments of truth that gradually assembled into a complete picture:
The night she received an industry award, and Mike spent the entire ceremony on his phone, then complained about how boring it had been
A conversation with a colleague who mentioned how her partner had supported her through a family crisis, making Sarah realise she couldn't remember the last time Mike had comforted her
Finding herself rehearsing stories to make them more "interesting" for Mike, knowing he'd tune out otherwise
"The final moment came on my birthday," Sarah said. "I'd been dropping hints for weeks about a book I wanted. When the day came, he forgot completely. When I reminded him, he rushed out and returned with a fitness tracker, something he'd been wanting me to get for months. As I thanked him, pretending to be thrilled, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I didn't recognise the person staring back at me."
Beginning the Journey Back to Yourself
Sarah's path forward began with a single step: acknowledging the reality of her situation. She started a journal, documenting interactions which left her feeling lesser or invisible. She saw patterns which she couldn’t dismiss as one-off occurrences or accidents.
"Putting it down on paper made it more concrete," she explained. "I couldn't minimise what was happening anymore."
She then called Jen, her best friend. "I was petrified that she would turn her back on me after I had withdrawn from her," Sarah said. "But she was really happy to see me. Our first coffee meeting is when I was able to be myself again, without scanning her for evidence of boredom or steeling myself for her disapproval. It felt like a breath of fresh air after years of being smothered".
With support slowly rebuilding around her, Sarah found the courage to establish boundaries with Mike:
"I need you to listen without interrupting when I'm saying something important to me."
"I'm going to stay at my sister’s place for the weekend, and that's not negotiable."
"When you keep looking at your phone while I'm talking to you, I feel like I'm not important to you."
His reactions - his anger, deflection, and momentary improvement, followed by growing disregard - gave her the clarity she needed.
Finding Your Way Forward
Whether you recognise elements of Sarah's experience reflected in your own relationship or are trying to be present for a person who is potentially experiencing this isolation, learning about narcissistic relationship dynamics is helpful.
For those inside such relationships, small steps can begin to shift the power balance:
Trust your perceptions. If you regularly feel invisible or unheard, that's valid information, regardless of how your partner rationalises it.
Reconnect with one person who made you feel good about yourself in the past. This could be a friend, family member, or even a former colleague.
Create space for yourself. Even small moments away from your partner can help you get back in touch with the authentic you.
Document your experiences. Keeping a journal can combat the reality distortion that often occurs in these relationships.
Sarah eventually made the difficult decision to leave her relationship with Mike. "The loneliness of being without him wasn't nearly as painful as the loneliness of being with him," she reflected. "Alone, I could at least be myself. With him, I had to be a version of me that was shrinking smaller every day."
Six months after her separation, Sarah joined a support group for survivors of narcissistic relationships. "The first meeting, I just listened as others shared their stories. There were so many moments where I thought, 'That's exactly how it was for me.' After feeling crazy for so long, finding others who understood was healing in itself."
The Path to Healing
Recovery from narcissistic relationships doesn't follow a neat timeline. For Sarah, healing came in waves:
"Some days I'd feel strong and clear about my decision. Other days, I'd remember the good moments and doubt everything. My therapist helped me understand that this oscillation is normal—that healing isn't linear."
Gradually, Sarah rebuilt her sense of self:
She reconnected with old friends and made new ones who valued her thoughts and feelings
She rediscovered hobbies she'd abandoned during her relationship
She learned to recognize authentic connection - the kind that flows both ways
She practiced speaking her mind without first calculating the potential for rejection or criticism
"The most important thing I've learned," Sarah shared, "is that loneliness within a relationship isn't something to endure - it's information. It's your heart telling you something vital is missing."
A Final Thought
If Sarah's story seems all too familiar, remember that the emptiness you're left with isn't a reflection on your lovability or worth. It's the inevitable result of being with someone who can't offer the emotional give-and-take that's the foundation for real connection.
Your journey back to you may begin by merely understanding what you have been experiencing. From that truth, going back in the smallest way to reclaiming your voice, your relationships, and your bliss is an act of great bravery.
If you found Sarah's story helpful, please consider sharing it with someone who might need this information. Remember that professional support from therapists who understand narcissistic abuse can make the healing journey less isolating.
If you would like to talk about your experience, please contact me at:
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au
or call me on 0452 285 526.
