Setting Healthy Boundaries: A Guide to Flourishing Relationships

The term "boundaries" is on everyone's lips, especially in the context of self-care and, more broadly, mental health. But what are boundaries? Boundaries are more than just a shield to protect yourself – boundaries are about crafting relationships where everyone flourishes. It’s not just self-protection; it’s setting the stage for mutual respect and growth.

Think of it as nurturing a garden: you create space for everything to bloom in harmony. In this blog, I would like to explain the concept of boundaries, why they are important and how to set them.

Healthy boundaries, like this “boundary line’ sign, protect and preserve what's important to us.

What Are Boundaries and Why Do We Need Them?"

Boundaries are the invisible fences in our emotional lives. They let others know where our comfort zone ends and help us protect our time, energy and emotional space. Think of boundaries as the "rules of the game" for how you want to be treated. For example, if you need time off after a long day at work, setting a boundary could be as simple as telling your friend or family member, "I need to rest now - we can meet up later”.

Let’s talk about boundaries:

Emotional Boundaries – they are all about protecting your inner world. You decide how much of your thoughts and feelings you’re comfortable sharing. It’s about knowing when to say “I’m not ready to talk about that” or choosing who you confide in. It also means recognising when someone’s emotional needs are overwhelming you and being able to step back without feeling guilty.

Physical Boundaries - whether it’s a hug from a friend or a high-five from a colleague, physical boundaries are about what feels comfortable for you. Some people love affection, while others need more personal space. Setting a physical boundary could be as simple as saying “I’m not really a hugger” or moving away if you’re feeling uncomfortable with someone standing too close.

Time Boundaries – your time is precious, and you get to decide where and how you spend it. Establishing time boundaries involves saying "no" when your schedule is overloaded or when you simply need a break. This could mean saying “no” to taking on an extra work project or declining a last-minute invitation to a party because you need a quiet night to recharge.

Digital Boundaries – we live in an always-connected world, but do you know that you can switch it off? Setting digital boundaries allows us to disconnect. This involves being deliberate about the time you allocate to online activities and how and when you choose to reply to messages. This could be something as simple as not responding to work emails after 7 pm or putting on the “Do Not Disturb” mode on your phone when you need some time for yourself.

Why Boundaries Matter

Think of a life without boundaries: a million things to juggle and no hands. By the end, you'll be tired, annoyed, and maybe even a little lost. By setting healthy boundaries, you are not excluding people; you are keeping yourself balanced. When we set boundaries, we are essentially saying "I value myself and my needs and I want our relationship to be healthy".

Boundaries are your mental health's best friend because they conserve energy. They are a way to avoid burnout. Imagine the protective shield around your energy resources that screams, "I have enough for myself and a little more for others - but don't exhaust me!".

You also reduce resentment. Have you ever said “yes” when you meant to say “no” and later found yourself stewing about it? Boundaries allow you to say “no” when necessary without feeling guilty.

Boundaries are like a building block for mutual respect. Setting boundaries teaches other people how to treat you. And if you respect your own needs, others are likely to follow your lead. They are also a strengthening of the relationship.

Clear boundaries make relationships easier - smoother and more fulfilling. When both people know and respect each other’s limits, there's less room for miscommunication, assumptions, and misunderstandings, which are often the root of conflict. With boundaries, each person feels valued and respected and knows where the lines are drawn. This fosters trust, allowing both individuals to express themselves freely without fear of overstepping or being taken advantage of.

Setting Boundaries in Abusive Relationships

While boundaries can protect us in healthy relationships, they are so, so important in unsafe or volatile relationships. In the context of an abusive relationship, setting boundaries becomes more complex, especially when your safety is at risk. In volatile relationships, boundaries must be approached cautiously. It’s not always safe to be assertive, and maintaining boundaries in such situations often requires a different strategy, one where the focus is on safety first.

While still in an abusive relationship, setting boundaries might involve more subtle methods of protecting yourself. For instance, limiting the personal information you share or maintaining physical distance without directly confronting your abuser. You may have to rely on outside support systems (friends, counsellors, or domestic violence hotlines) to create a safety plan. This can involve finding ways to manage your time or activities, so you have personal space while minimising potential conflict.

It’s essential to recognise that setting boundaries with an abuser is not always straightforward. Direct confrontation can sometimes escalate the situation, which is why professionals often emphasise a safety-first approach. You might choose to set more internal boundaries - protecting your emotional energy by disengaging from the abuser's manipulations or withholding vulnerable information. This can be a form of emotional self-defence while you figure out your next steps.

Once you've left the relationship, setting boundaries becomes a key part of your recovery. You may choose to establish clear, no-contact boundaries or limit interactions to essential things, like co-parenting, if that's part of your situation. Digital boundaries can also help, you can block their phone numbers or email addresses to stop them harassing you. And be careful with the “flying monkeys” – those are the people who may act on behalf of your ex to manipulate, pressure or guilt-trip you into reconnecting. It could be mutual friends, family members, or anyone in your circle who might try to make you feel guilty about leaving or downplay the abuse. Part of you setting boundaries here is recognising who these people are and limiting their influence in your life.

Even after leaving, emotional boundaries are essential to prevent the abuser from continuing to impact your mental health. Setting boundaries isn’t just about cutting all contact; it is about taking back control over your life and allowing the healing process to take place. By establishing and maintaining these boundaries, you protect your energy and build the space for recovery to happen.

When Boundaries Go (Way) Too Far

Now, let’s talk about the flip side - sometimes, people get a little too excited about setting boundaries and end up accidentally pushing people away. I’ve seen this happen a lot in friendships: someone gives and gives (without saying they’re feeling overwhelmed), then suddenly hits a breaking point and cuts the other person off completely, labelling it as “setting a boundary”.

Spoiler alert: that’s not really a boundary - that’s more of a shutdown! A healthy boundary isn’t about slamming doors; it’s about cracking the window a bit to let some fresh air in, while still protecting your space.

Here’s what often happens:

The Build-Up - you over-give in a relationship, maybe because you want to be liked, or because you feel responsible for the other person’s happiness.

The Breaking Point - you get so tired and drained that you reach a point where you can’t take it anymore, and instead of calmly setting a boundary, you “draw a line” by cutting the person off entirely.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed (we've all been there!), but you should know when you're giving too much before you hit your limit. Setting boundaries helps you find a balance, not swing from one extreme to another. Instead of cutting someone off, you can say something like, "I need some time to myself - let's talk later when I have more energy".

Childhood and Boundaries: Why You Might Be Letting People Walk All Over You

Ever thought about why some people find it hard to set boundaries? A lot of it stems from childhood. If you grew up in a place where people ignored your needs or where you couldn't say "no” you might have learned that making others happy is the safest option. Kids who grow up in families that don't respect boundaries - where parents or caregivers make all the choices or ignore feelings - often struggle to set boundaries as adults.

For example, if as a child you were taught to always put others first or to be “seen and not heard,” you might now believe your needs matter less than everyone else's. This belief can result in you giving too much in relationships and letting people cross your boundaries because it feels normal. But here's the good news: Just because you learned this in your childhood doesn't mean you can't unlearn it now. To start changing, you need to understand how your past has affected your ability to set boundaries. It's about realising you have the right to say "no" and protect your emotional health even if that wasn't modelled for you when you were young.

Teaching Healthy Boundaries to Kids: Break the Cycle

As a parent or someone who works with kids, one of the best things you can do for them is to teach them how to set healthy boundaries from a young age. Kids should understand that it's fine to have their own limits and to refuse if something doesn't feel right. This doesn't mean you should let them do whatever they want, but instead, you need to demonstrate that they can have boundaries while still being nice and respectful to others.

You can help your children learn about boundaries by for example, respecting their physical space. If your child doesn't want to hug anyone, respect that decision. It's a great way to teach them that their body is their own body and that they have a say in who can be near them.

You can encourage them to express their feelings. Let children know that it is okay to talk about their feelings and their emotions are important. This will help them feel more confident about setting emotional boundaries later.

Model healthy boundaries. Children learn by watching. So when they see you setting boundaries with kindness and respect, they are more likely to do the same. You can say something like, "Mummy needs some rest now, but afterwards we can play together".

Teach them the art of saying "no". Encourage children to say "no" in safe, appropriate situations. For example, if they're too tired for a playdate, tell them it's okay to decline and they can reschedule for another date. By teaching children the importance of boundaries from a young age, you will help ensure that they develop into confident adults who know how to protect their mental and emotional health.

Dealing with the Guilt Trip (From Others or Yourself!)

If you love people in recovery, you may feel guilty when you first set boundaries. It may feel like you are letting others down or being “selfish.” But here's the thing: Taking care of yourself is never selfish - it's essential. And taking care of your own needs will help you put your best foot forward in relationships instead of appearing exhausted or resentful.

Also remember: people who respect and care about you will appreciate your boundaries. If someone is upset about your boundaries, it's worth considering whether this relationship is as healthy as you thought.

Conclusion:

Boundaries are all about protecting your energy and building healthier relationships. It's not about shutting people out; it's about inviting them into your life on your own terms. So go ahead, set those boundaries, and find what works for you. Think of it like installing a front door with a lock - you control who comes in. You deserve relationships where you feel respected, valued, and at peace.

If you are ready to talk, you can contact me at:

kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au

or call me on 0452 285 526