Understanding the Impact of Childhood Trauma: Your Journey to Recovery

ParentingChild DevelopmentChildhood Trauma
Written By Katarzyna OMara

"The wound is the place where the light enters you." Rumi

James sat opposite me, fiddling with his wedding ring. He was 42, successful, married, and had two children. On the outside, everything looked perfect. Yet here he was, struggling with panic attacks and a persistent feeling that something was deeply wrong with him.

"I don't know why I couldn't just be happy," he conceded. "My childhood wasn't really that bad. We ate. No one hit me. But I still feel damaged somehow."

James' tale is typical for many of us: the long-term impact of our childhood experiences, that, although they might not be wildly traumatic, still affect us into adulthood.

The Invisible Wounds We Carry

Childhood trauma is not always preceded by dramatic events. Oftentimes, it is the small, persistent things that accumulate and influence us most profoundly:

Nia's Story: "My parents never yelled or hit me. They were just... absent. Always working, always distracted. I learned early on that my feelings weren't important enough to interrupt their busy lives. Now I'm 35 and still apologise for having needs in my relationships."

Dan's Experience: "In our house, achievement was everything. Second place might as well have been last. I can still hear my father's voice ringing in my mind when I slip up at work: 'Is that the best you can do?' I've been given three promotions already this year, and I'm just waiting to be discovered as an imposter.

Just like Nia and Dan, you might be carrying around child wounds that you've never fully accepted, invisible wounds that continue to shape how you see yourself and how you treat others.

Understanding "Big T" and "Little t" Trauma

Trauma exists on a spectrum, from obvious catastrophic events to subtle daily experiences that erode our sense of safety and self-worth.

"Big T" Trauma: When Safety Shatters

"Big T" traumas are the experiences we more readily identify as traumatic:

  • Physical or sexual abuse

  • Witnessing violence in the home

  • Loss of a parent or sibling

  • Severe neglect or abandonment

  • Serious accidents or illnesses

  • Living with addiction or mental illness in the family

These experiences essentially taint our sense of security in the world. They create the perception that those who are in charge of protecting us are untrustworthy, that harm lies in every corner, or that we must be constantly on our toes to survive.

Lisa, aged 48 today, had a father who was an alcoholic: "I still jump when people shout. I still wake up at the slightest noise in bed."

"Little t" Trauma: The Power of Persistent Pain

"Little t" traumas are the quieter experiences that might not seem traumatic in isolation but create lasting wounds through their persistence:

  • Emotional neglect ("You're fine, stop crying")

  • Constant criticism or impossible standards

  • Being compared to siblings or peers

  • Unpredictable parental moods or responses

  • Bullying or social exclusion at school

  • Frequent moves or school changes

  • Parental conflicts that never escalated to violence

These experiences teach us harmful lessons about ourselves and the world: that we're not enough, that our feelings don't matter, that we must be perfect to be loved.

As Alex, 37, reflected: "No one ever hit me or called me names. But I never knew which version of my mom I'd get, the warm, loving one or the irritable, critical one. I became a master at reading moods, at making myself smaller when necessary. Now my wife says I apologise for existing."

An image of a little girl looking at the camera.

Children often carry the weight of their experiences, affecting how they interact with the world around them.

How Trauma Becomes Wired Into Our System

Children are meaning-makers. When something painful happens repeatedly, they don't think, "My parents are stressed and emotionally unavailable." Instead, they conclude, "There must be something wrong with me."

These conclusions become core beliefs that operate beneath conscious awareness:

  • "I'm not worthy of love unless I'm achieving"

  • "My feelings are too much for others to handle"

  • "I need to be perfect to be accepted"

  • "The world is fundamentally unsafe"

  • "I must take care of everyone else's needs before my own"

These beliefs don't simply disappear as we grow up. They become the invisible architecture of our adult lives, influencing our relationships, career choices, parenting styles, and relationship with ourselves.

The Adult Signs of Childhood Wounds

Many of us move through life unaware that our reactions and patterns are rooted in early experiences. Here are some signs that childhood trauma might be influencing your adult life:

1. Relationship Patterns

  • You're drawn to unavailable or critical partners

  • You struggle to trust others or constantly expect betrayal

  • You feel responsible for other people's emotions

  • You avoid closeness or sabotage relationships when they deepen

  • You're the perpetual caretaker, rarely allowing others to care for you

2. Emotional Responses

  • You feel shame or anxiety without clear triggers

  • You struggle to identify what you're feeling

  • Small criticisms feel catastrophically painful

  • You swing between emotional numbness and overwhelming feelings

  • You feel permanently on edge, waiting for something to go wrong

3. Self-Perception

  • You have a persistent sense of being "different" or "broken"

  • Your inner critic is relentlessly harsh

  • You dismiss your accomplishments while magnifying failures

  • You feel like you're pretending to be normal or capable

  • You tie your worth entirely to external validation or achievement

The Body Remembers What the Mind Forgets

Ella, 29, couldn't understand why she experienced debilitating panic attacks in crowded lifts. Nothing traumatic had ever happened to her in a lift. After months of therapy, she recalled being accidentally locked in a wardrobe as a young child, an experience she had completely forgotten, but her body remembered.

Trauma doesn't just live in our memories; it lives in our bodies. This explains why:

  • You might feel physically sick around certain types of people

  • Specific sensations (sounds, smells, physical sensations) trigger intense emotional responses

  • You experience chronic health issues without clear medical causes

  • Your body remains in a state of hyperarousal, leading to sleep problems, digestive issues, or tension headaches

As trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk explains, "The body keeps the score." Even when conscious memories fade, our bodies continue to respond to triggers associated with past pain.

Breaking Free: The Journey of Healing

Michael, 45, came to therapy after his marriage ended. "I don't want to keep repeating the same patterns," he said. "I don't want to pass this down to my kids."

His statement reflects a key hope in trauma recovery: with understanding and help, we can change these patterns and find healing.

Recognition: Naming What Happened

Healing begins with acknowledging your experiences without minimising them. Many survivors dismiss their pain: "Others had it worse" or "I should be over this by now."

Try this perspective instead: If a child you love experienced what you did, would you tell them to "get over it"? Or would you recognise their pain with compassion?

Reconnection: Finding Your Way Back to Your Body

Trauma often disconnects us from our physical selves. Practices that help you safely reconnect with your body can be powerful:

  • Gentle yoga or tai chi

  • Mindful walking in nature

  • Breath work with trauma-informed teachers

  • Body-focused therapies like somatic experiencing

For Ella, swimming became a pathway back to feeling safe in her body: "In water, I feel held. I can focus on the sensation of buoyancy, the rhythm of my breathing. It's where I learned that my body could be a source of peace, not just alarm."

Relationships: Healing in Connection

While trauma often happens in relationships, healing also happens through connection. This might include:

  • Working with a trauma-informed therapist

  • Joining a support group with others who share similar experiences

  • Building friendships where you can be authentic and vulnerable

  • Practicing new patterns in safe relationships

James found transformation in a men's support group: "For the first time, I heard other successful, 'normal' guys talking about the same fears and insecurities I had. It was like finally getting permission to be human."

Rewiring: Challenging Old Beliefs

The beliefs formed during trauma can be examined and updated. Cognitive behavioural therapy and similar approaches help identify and challenge these thought patterns:

  • "I'm unlovable" becomes "I experienced rejection, but I am worthy of love"

  • "The world is always dangerous" becomes "I can assess situations and find safety"

  • "My feelings are wrong" becomes "My emotions provide valuable information"

Reclaiming: Finding Your Authentic Self

Many trauma survivors describe feeling like they lost touch with who they truly are. Recovery involves rediscovering your preferences, desires, and voice:

  • What brings you genuine joy?

  • What values matter most to you?

  • What would you do if fear weren't holding you back?

For Nia, this meant signing up for a ceramics class, something she'd always wanted to do but had dismissed as an indulgence. "Having my hands in clay, creating something just because it made me happy, it was revolutionary. I started thinking, 'What else might I want, if I gave myself permission to want things?'"

The Courage to Heal

Healing from child trauma takes a lot of courage. It involves facing pain you have spent many years repressing and challenging beliefs that, though hurtful, are familiar and so safe.

Remember that healing is not a straight line. There will be setbacks and bad days. Progress tends to come in small, incremental moments: when you set a boundary without shame, when you experience pleasure without expecting the other shoe to drop, when you are kind to your own hurt instead of judging it.

A Final Thought

Perhaps you've resonated with these stories. Perhaps you're interested to know if situations you've always minimised might be affecting you more than you recognised.

Consider this: You survived your childhood by adapting in the ways needed then. Those adaptations: hypervigilance, people-pleasing, emotional shutdown, were acts of courage and intelligence. They got you through.

But now, being an adult, you have resources and choices that you did not have as a kid. You can choose new responses. You can heal old wounds. You can write a different story for the chapters ahead.

The wounds of childhood do not have to determine your fate. In awareness, gentle care, and compassion to yourself, you may transform them into wisdom, fortitude, and an enhanced capacity to charm.

If this article resonated with you, consider sharing it with others who might benefit. For those seeking professional support, look for therapists who specialise in trauma-informed approaches.

Here are some links to additional support and information:

Support & Resources

Finding Professional Support

Self-Help & Healing Practices

If you would like to talk to me about your experiences, please contact me at:

kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au

or call me on 0452 285 526

Katarzyna OMara
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