How to Identify Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Many times I have been asked: "What's the difference between emotional and psychological abuse?" This is an important question because these terms are frequently used interchangeably which might be confusing. While both forms of abuse are damaging and leave deep scars, they aren't the same. Knowing the difference between emotional and psychological abuse can help you recognise unhealthy relationship dynamics and do something to protect yourself or someone you love.

In this article, I’ll explain what each type of abuse entails, how they differ, and what you can do if you or someone you know is experiencing it.

Defining Emotional Abuse

We are talking about emotional abuse, when someone uses their words or actions to control, manipulate, or belittle another person. It can include harshly criticising you, calling you names, ridiculing you or constantly undermining your sense of self-worth. These behaviours, which are easily minimised are actually quite harmful. They leave long-lasting emotional scars and make you feel small, defective, or inadequate. Over time, this form of abuse drains you of your confidence and sense of self.

Some examples of emotional abuse:

Constant criticism. An abuser may undermine your abilities, looks or achievements.

Name-calling and insults. They might say things like, "You don’t get it because you’re just too dumb”, "You’re always upset about something, always playing the victim", or “Before I came along, you were nothing. Without me, you’ll be nothing again” or other degrading insults.

Silent treatment. They deliberately ignore or shut you out, which makes you feel unseen, helpless and ashamed. Like you have no control over your life or emotions.

Emotional blackmail. They will threaten to harm themselves, harm others, or you unless they get their way, which can make it hard to leave the relationship.

The hallmark of emotional abuse is how you start to feel about yourself. Over time, it will wear you down, eating away your self-esteem and self-confidence. The abuser’s words or actions will make you feel small, inconsequential and incompetent.

Defining Psychological Abuse

Where emotional abuse focuses on feelings and self-esteem, psychological abuse goes deeper into mental manipulation and control. The point of psychological abuse is to manipulate how you think and view the world; as such, it makes it hard for you to trust yourself or other people. It is quite devious because it involves calculated strategies to undermine your sense of reality and self-trust.

Psychological abuse includes but is not limited to:

Gaslighting: trying to make you doubt your perception of events or your sanity. For example, you remember an incident or an argument, and the abuser denies that it happened. They will tell you it’s all in your mind, you are misremembering it, or you are making things up.

Isolation. The abuser might cut you off from your friends, family or other resources, thus making you dependent on them.

Mind Games are strategies used by the abuser to maintain control over you. The objective is to confuse, frighten, and cause you to question yourself. Examples include changing the rules or expectations to keep you on edge and trying to meet impossible standards they set, or accusing you of having qualities or behaviours that they themselves have, thus shifting blame and making you defensive. 

Fear Tactics. An abuser might use threats, intimidation, or coercion to keep you in line.

Monitoring and Surveillance. An abuser might closely monitor your activities, thus restricting your freedom and privacy. They might read your messages, scan your social media, and show up at events you’re attending.

Psychological abuse targets the mind, leaving you feeling trapped or helpless, while emotional abuse primarily works to undermine your sense of self-worth.

Role of Threats in Emotional

and Psychological Abuse

One of the most insidious tactics an abuser can use is making threats, especially threats of self-harm, suicide, or harm to children or pets. These kinds of threats aim to manipulate and control you through fear and guilt. Many times, I have seen how this behaviour entraps a person deeper into a toxic relationship.

With these threats, an abuser creates a sense of responsibility in the victim, making it harder for them to leave or set boundaries.

Threats of Self-Harm or Suicide

A frequent tactic used by abusers in toxic relationships is to threaten self-harm or suicide if their partner decides to leave or doesn’t comply with their wishes. This strategy plays on the victim's feelings of empathy and compassion, creating a sense of responsibility for the abuser's safety. It puts the victim in a difficult position, where establishing boundaries or walking away could mean causing death or serious injury to the abuser.

An abuser might say things like:

"If you leave me, I'll kill myself."

"You're the only thing keeping me alive. If you go, I have nothing to live for."

"I will hurt myself if you don't do what I ask."

These statements are said to make the victim feel they have no choice but to stay in the relationship or satisfy whatever wishes an abuser may have. They thus impose some artificial sense of responsibility on the victim while entrapping them in a vortex of guilt and fear.

Keep in mind that suicidal threats are, in most ways, a control issue rather than actual cries for help. That does not make the situation less serious. If someone is using these threats, it’s a sign of emotional manipulation and abuse, and professional help is needed for both the victim and the abuser.

Threats to Harm Pets or Children

Another incredibly manipulative tactic involves threats to harm loved ones, especially pets or children. This type of psychological abuse is devastating in that it plays on the victim's deepest fears - the safety of their dependents. Through making such threats, the abuser exerts power, knowing full well a victim's main concern would be the well-being of the children or pets.

They might say:

"If you leave me, I'll take the kids, and you will never see them again.

"I'll kill the dog if you don't come home."

"I'll tell the kids it's your fault if our family falls apart."

These threats create an environment of intense fear and anxiety since the victim feels hemmed in by the need to protect their loved ones and the need to escape the abusive relationship. Often, victims will stay in the relationship much longer than they want to out of fear that their abuser will follow through on these threats.

Where there are children involved, the stakes get even higher. The abuser may threaten to remove the victim from the children or turn the children against the victim. This creates long-term psychological damage, not only for the victim but also for the children, who may grow up in an environment of fear and unpredictability.

The Impact of These Threats

The threats of self-harm, suicide, or harm to pets or children create another dimension of control in an already abusive situation. These threats leave the victim feeling trapped and powerless, often paralysing them into staying in the relationship or complying with the abuser’s demands. Victims may believe that leaving could result in disastrous outcomes, a notion that the abuser continually reinforces with their threats.

It is also important to acknowledge that threats of this nature in themselves are abusive. They do not reflect love or desperation; instead, they are calculated efforts to manipulate the victim’s feelings and maintain control over them.

If you are facing this kind of abuse, seeking help is vital. Talking to a therapist or a close friend can give insight and help you understand that you are not to blame for your partner’s behaviour. There are also hotlines for crisis situations (see below) and domestic abuse support groups to which you can reach out for intervention and a safe transition away from the relationship if you are in danger.

How to Respond to These Threats

If you or someone you know is in danger of suicide, or self-injury, or if there are threats against a loved one, consider these steps to protect yourself and others:

1. Recognise the Threats as Abuse. First, it’s important to understand that these threats are a form of manipulation and abuse. You are not responsible for your partner’s actions, even if they try to make you feel otherwise.

2. Reach Out for Support. You don’t have to do this alone. Seek help from a therapist, counsellor, or domestic abuse hotline. These professionals can offer advice and emotional support and help you develop a safety plan tailored to your situation.

3. Call Emergency Services if Needed. When the threats become serious, especially if the abuser is at risk of harming themselves or others, don’t hesitate to contact emergency services. Take the situation seriously while also understanding that manipulation may be at play.

4. Keep a Record of Threats. Document any messages, emails, or conversations that involve threats. This information can be important if you ever need to seek legal protection or take further action.

5. Create a safety plan. This is especially important when there are children or pets involved. Creating a safety plan can include seeking legal help, like a restraining order or custody arrangements. Again, domestic abuse services can help you with that.

Emotional vs. Psychological Abuse:

What’s the Difference?

Now that we’ve talked about different types of abuse let’s explore how emotional and psychological abuse differ. While they can overlap, there are some key distinctions to be aware of.

1.     Feelings vs. Mind Games

o   Emotional abuse revolves around hurting someone’s feelings and self-esteem. These are vicious words from an abuser, which come to make you feel worthless, rejected, or criticised all the time.

o   Psychological abuse goes deeper by targeting the mind. It’s about controlling your thoughts and distorting your reality. The abuser may try to confuse you, making you question your memory or understanding of events.

2.     Eroding Self-Worth vs. Twisting Reality

o   Emotional abuse chips away at self-esteem, leaving you feeling like you are never good enough.

o   Psychological abuse is more about mental manipulation, where you might even doubt their memories or perceptions, often due to gaslighting or other manipulative tactics. The abuser might contradict themselves, lie, or change the story frequently to keep you off-balance and unsure of what to believe.

3.     Control through Criticism vs. Fear

o   Emotional abuse, while still controlling, may rely more on constant criticism and emotional manipulation rather than explicit threats.

o   Psychological abuse often includes tactics meant to instil fear. The abuser may use intimidating body language, tone of voice, or other non-verbal cues to frighten the victim. This could involve towering over the victim, slamming doors, or glaring.

4.     Long-Term Impact

o   Emotional abuse can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression. The victim may struggle with trust and self-belief long after the abuse ends.

o   Psychological abuse can cause more severe issues, like PTSD, intense anxiety, and isolation. Victims may have difficulty distinguishing what’s real, often living with chronic fear or paranoia.

Where Emotional and Psychological Abuse Overlap 

Even though emotional and psychological abuse are different, they often go hand in hand. For instance, an emotionally abusive person may also use manipulative tactics that leave their partner feeling confused or off-balance. On the flip side, psychological abuse almost always includes emotional manipulation. In both cases, the abuser’s goal is the same: to control the victim by undermining their emotions, thoughts, or both.

This overlap can make it challenging to distinguish between the two forms of abuse. It's common for victims to endure both types simultaneously, which makes it all the more difficult to recognise and break free from the relationship.

Why Understanding the Difference Is Important

This would help one notice clearer signs of abuse. Once you know what to look for, it is easier to realise when someone crosses the line. Emotional abuse may feel more overt, like name-calling or constant criticism. Psychological abuse may feel more subtle, like being manipulated into questioning your reality or your decisions.

Understanding the difference may help in the healing process. The approaches toward healing may differ in emotional wounds from those of a psychological nature.

While rebuilding one's self-esteem and emotional resilience may be required in cases of emotional abuse, trust in one's perceptions and independence may have to be learned in the case of psychological abuse.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Emotional or Psychological Abuse

It is not always easy to recognise that you are in an abusive relationship, especially if there is no physical violence. This is because emotional and psychological abuse does not leave bruises and, thus, is harder to identify. But the signs are there if you know where to look for them.

Here are a few red flags that might indicate emotional or psychological abuse:

• You feel criticised or put down all of the time. Be it your appearance, intellect, or achievements, the abuser will find a way to make you feel less than.

• You're confused about what's real or question your memory. If your partner frequently tells you that you are remembering things wrong or making things up, it is a sign of gaslighting, which is a common form of psychological abuse.

• You feel the need to walk around on eggshells with them. Constantly watching what you say or do out of fear of upsetting them is a sign of control.

• They keep you away from friends or family. An abuser will often discourage spending time with others or even stop it altogether, and this will make you dependent on them.

• You feel anxious or fearful around them. Emotional or psychological abuse can create a climate of fear even if someone doesn't threaten or physically harm you.

The Impact on Mental Health

The impact of emotional and psychological abuse is serious, especially on mental health. Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress symptom (PTSD) are common. Physical symptoms such as headaches, insomnia, or gastrointestinal problems are the result of pressure due to continuous criticism, manipulation, or isolation.

This type of abuse is horribly devastating in the long term. Many survivors find it difficult to trust others, establish healthy relationships, or even believe in their capabilities. The healing process may take time and, in most cases, requires professional help.

What to Do If You're Experiencing Abuse

If you’re in an emotionally or psychologically abusive relationship, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. Here are a few steps you can take to help yourself:

Talk to Someone You Trust. Reach out to a friend, family member, or therapist. Whoever this person is, make sure they can listen to and support your needs. Often, it takes talking with someone to bring clarity and comfort.

Keep Track of What’s Happening. It might help to write down incidents of abuse. Having a record can help you spot patterns and could be useful later if you need to take legal action or seek further help.

Set Boundaries. If it’s safe, try setting clear boundaries with the person. Let them know what behaviour is unacceptable, and stick to those boundaries. This can help protect your emotional space.

Get Professional Support. A therapist, especially one experienced in family violence, can help you work through your emotions and come up with strategies to cope. Professional insight can be empowering during tough times.

Consider leaving the relationship. Leave the relationship if the abuse is continuing and the perpetrator is not willing to change. It may literally save your life.

Moving Toward Healing

It does take time, but you can heal from the impact of emotional or psychological abuse. The first stage of healing is to recognise that it was not your fault. Abuse is solely about the abuser having this compelling need for control; it is never about what you have done wrong.

Therapy can be an essential part of the healing process. An appropriately trained therapist can help you rebuild your self-esteem, develop coping strategies, and process the trauma that happened. Also, surround yourself with supportive people who value you and treat you respectfully. Healing isn’t linear, and it's okay if setbacks do happen. The key is to keep going forward while taking care of your mental and emotional well-being.

Leaving a threatening abusive relationship can be overwhelming, but it can be safely done with support. Remember, you are not responsible for the abuser’s actions, and their threats are a way to maintain control, not an accurate reflection of your value or responsibility. Therapy, support networks, and domestic violence resources are all available to help guide you through this process.

Abuse can take on various forms, and none of them are acceptable, whether it's emotional, psychological, or physical. Acknowledging these behaviours for what they are is the first step towards reclaiming your power and protecting yourself and your loved ones from harm.

Final thoughts

Both emotional and psychological abuse are deeply harmful, but they affect you in different ways. Emotional abuse attacks your feelings and self-worth, while psychological abuse manipulates your mind and perception of reality. By understanding the difference, you can better identify when something isn’t right in your relationships and take steps to protect yourself. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, reaching out for support is a powerful step toward healing and reclaiming control over your life.

If you are ready to talk, you can contact me at:

kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au

or call me on 0452 285 526