Recognising Coercive Control in Relationships
Do you often feel edgy, fearful, or trapped in your relationship? You may find yourself asking: "Is this really abuse?" After all, there’s no physical violence - he doesn’t hit you, push you, or slap you. However, it’s important to recognise that coercive control can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse characterised by a pattern of behaviour that gradually erodes a person’s autonomy and independence. This type of abuse can coexist with other forms, including physical, sexual, psychological, or financial abuse.
The dynamics of coercive control often develop slowly, making it difficult to recognise. Initially, small, controlling behaviours may seem harmless or even protective, but over time they accumulate, creating a stifling environment where the victim feels increasingly powerless.
The Frog in Boiling Water
Recognising coercive control is vital before it's too late.
The metaphor of boiling a frog illustrates how coercive control operates. If you place a frog in boiling water, it will jump out immediately. However, if you put the frog in cold water and slowly heat it, the frog will not perceive the danger until it’s too late. Similarly, victims of coercive control may not recognise the gradual escalation of abusive behaviours until they are deeply entrenched in the relationship.
You might have an inkling that something isn’t right but tell yourself that you are overreacting. As things continue to worsen, feelings of shame and the invisible strings that bind you can prevent you from seeking help. You may find yourself thinking, “If I only did something differently…” This self-blame only reinforces the cycle of control and abuse.
Examples of Coercive Control
Coercive control can manifest in various insidious ways, including:
Isolation. Your partner may isolate you from friends and family through lies or manipulation. They might tell you that your loved ones don’t care about you, or even lie to your family and friends to make you seem unhinged or unreliable. They might monitor your calls and messages, delete contacts from your phone, or guilt you into not reaching out.
Surveillance. Constantly checking your whereabouts can create an environment of fear and paranoia. This might include demanding that you report your location at all times, incessantly calling you to confirm where you are, or even tracking your movements through social media or GPS devices hidden in your belongings.
Threats. Coercive control often involves threats designed to instil fear and obedience. This could range from threats to harm you, your children, or pets, to threats of self-harm if you attempt to leave. Abusers might threaten to report you to child protective services, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy and fear.
Degradation. Belittling you through name-calling, constant put-downs, or public humiliation can devastate your self-esteem. An abuser might constantly criticize your appearance, abilities, or decisions, leading you to doubt yourself.
Manipulation. Coercive control often involves forcing you into unwanted activities, including illegal actions or sexual acts. This might involve pressuring you into engaging with others or taking explicit photos or videos against your will.
Gaslighting. This psychological manipulation tactic distorts your perception of reality. An abuser might deny events occurred, change narratives, or convince you that your memories are faulty, causing you to question your sanity.
Control over Daily Life. Coercive control can extend to dictating your daily life choices, including what you eat, wear, say, and do. An abuser may also take control of family finances, restricting your access to money and deciding how it’s spent, leading to financial dependency.
Why Can’t I Just Walk Away?
If you are experiencing coercive control, you may feel your independence slipping away. Your partner's behaviour may isolate you from your support network, jeopardise your financial independence, and damage your self-esteem. As your ability to make independent decisions diminishes, leaving the relationship becomes increasingly difficult.
Victims often find themselves trapped in a cycle of fear and confusion. The very nature of coercive control breeds dependency. You might find that you have lost touch with your sense of self and confidence, making it hard to envision life outside of the relationship.
Moreover, societal pressures and misconceptions about abuse can further complicate your situation. The idea that “real abuse” only includes physical violence can lead to feelings of guilt or shame for not recognizing your circumstances as abusive. This lack of awareness can prevent you from reaching out for help or support.
But There’s No Physical Abuse
It’s crucial to understand that domestic and family abuse isn’t always physical. Many victims report that coercive control is the most damaging aspect of their experience. The combination of manipulation, constant surveillance, and emotional degradation can strip away your independence and self-worth, making it challenging to escape.
In fact, research has shown that the psychological effects of coercive control can lead to long-term mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The scars left by emotional and psychological abuse can be just as deep and lasting as those from physical violence.
Coercive Control and the Law
Recognizing the severity of coercive control, many jurisdictions have begun to legislate against it. In New South Wales, for example, the Crimes Legislation Amendment (Coercive Control) Act 2022 makes coercive control illegal, with perpetrators facing up to seven years in prison if convicted. In Victoria, the Family Violence Protection Act includes coercive behaviour as a definition of family violence, allowing victims to seek intervention orders for protection.
These legal changes signify a growing understanding of the importance of addressing coercive control and the harm it inflicts on individuals and families. If you are experiencing coercive control please know that you are not alone, and there are legal avenues for protection.
Ask Yourself These Questions:
If you’re unsure about your relationship dynamics, consider asking yourself the following questions:
Do you feel ashamed of what is happening in your relationship?
Are you able to make your own decisions regarding where to go, who to see, and how to spend your money?
Is your support network shrinking, or have you become isolated from friends and family?
Can you express your thoughts and feelings in your relationship without fear of repercussions?
Do you often feel afraid, alone, or like you’re losing your mind?
Have you adjusted your parenting to protect your children from your partner?
Do you feel dependent on your partner and uncertain of who you are without them?
Have you lost confidence since entering this relationship?
Have you experienced belittling or demeaning behaviour from your partner, either privately or publicly?
Have you been accused of flirting or cheating without justification?
Are you questioning your own memories or decisions frequently?
Have you faced threats of violence or intimidation?
Do you feel on edge or anxious in your partner's presence?
If you answered "yes" to several of these questions, it’s crucial to seek help. Please reach out to organizations that assist victims of family violence (see the list below).
Seeking Support
Understanding coercive control is the first step toward breaking free from its grasp. It’s important to remember that you are not alone in this experience, and there are resources available to help you regain your independence and self-esteem.
If you think you might be affected by coercive control and would like to talk, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m here to listen and support you as you navigate your path to healing.
If you think you are affected by this issue and would like to talk to me about please do not hesitate to contact me.
A little bit about me:
My name is Kat, and I am a registered counsellor specialising in supporting people who are overcoming the emotional and psychological impacts of trauma. I provide compassionate counselling to those affected by domestic and sexual violence, childhood trauma, and other life-altering experiences. I also help to navigate the feelings of grief, loss, and identity challenges that often accompany trauma.
I provide trauma-informed counselling in South-East Melbourne in person and Australia-wide online:
Email at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
or phone 0452 070 738
SOURCES OF SUPPORT
For Crisis Support contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via text on 0477 13 11 14 (available 24/7). If you need immediate help call 000.
NATIONAL
1800RESPECT
Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling and Support Service
call 1800 737 732 open 24/7
https://www.1800respect.org.au
AUSTRALIAN CAPITAL TERRITORY
Domestic Violence Crisis Service (DVCS)
call 02 6280 0900 open 24/7
Crisis intervention and counselling, family violence intervention program, education and information for the community.
Canberra Rape Crisis Centre (CRCC)
call 02 6247 2525 open 7am -10.30pm
Crisis support, counselling advocacy and support programs for men and women.
On call for ACT Health and Police
NEW SOUTH WALES
NSW Domestic Violence Line
call 1800 656 463 open 24/7
Provides telephone counselling, information and referrals for women and same-sex partners who are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence.
NSW Sexual Violence Helpline
call 1800 424 017 24/7
Provides telephone and online counselling for anyone who is or has experienced sexual violence and their supporters.
NORTHERN TERRITORY
Catherine Booth House
call 8981 5928 24/7
Short term crisis accommodation, referral and support for adult and young women over 18 years old.
Darwin Aboriginal and Islander Women’s Shelter (DAIWS)
call 08 8945 2284 open 24/7
Support, referral, outreach and domestic violence crisis accommodation for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women who are homeless or escaping family violence.
Dawn House (Darwin)
call 08 8945 1388 open 24/7
Crisis accommodation and support service for women with children who are experiencing or escaping domestic or family violence.
Ruby Gaea (Darwin)
Call 08 8945 0155 open Monday – Friday 8.30 am to 5 pm
Free counselling and support to women and children who have experienced sexual assault at any time in their life.
Sexual Assault Referral Centre (Darwin)
Call 08 8922 6472 open 24/7
Free 24-hour emergency service that provides crisis counselling and other support needs to both adults and children who have experienced any form of sexual assault or sexual abuse, either recently or in the past.
www.health.nt.gov.au/sexual_assault_services
Sexual Assault Referral Centre (Alice Springs)
Call 08 8955 4500 open 24/7
Free 24-hour emergency service that provides crisis counselling and other support needs to both adults and children who have experienced any form of sexual assault or sexual abuse, either recently or in the past.
www.health.nt.gov.au/sexual_assault_services
QUEENSLAND
DVConnect Womensline
Call 1800 811 811 open 24/7
Free state-wide telephone service that provides confidential counselling and referral to crisis accommodation for women and children affected by domestic or family Violence and those who are concerned about a friend or family member.
DVConnect Mensline
Call 1800 600 636 open 9 am – 12 midnight, 7 days a week
Free state-wide telephone service that provides counselling and referral for men for a range of issues especially those who have experienced or use domestic and family violence and those who are concerned about a friend or family member.
DVConnect Sexual Assault Helpline
Call 1800 010 120 open 7.30 am – 11.30 pm, 7 days a week
Telephone service that provides counselling to women, men and young people who have experienced or are concerned someone they know has experienced sexual assault or abuse.
dvconnect.org/queensland-sexual-assault-helpline/
SOUTH AUSTRALIA
Domestic Violence and Aboriginal Family Violence Gateway Services
Call 1800 800 098 open 24/7
Counselling and support for women experiencing domestic and family violence.
Yarrow Place Rape and Sexual Assault Services
Call 1800 817 421 open 24/7
(After hours and emergency 08 8226 8787)
Lead public health agency responding to adult rape and sexual assault in South Australia for people aged 16 years and over.
TASMANIA
Safe at Home Family Violence Response and Referral Line
Call 1800 633 937 open 24/7
Tasmanian information and referral service where callers are able to access the full range of response, counselling, information and other support services provided by Safe at Home.
Family Violence Counselling and Support Service
Call 1800 608 122 open 9 am to midnight on weekdays and 4 pm to midnight at weekends and public holidays.
Family Violence Counselling and Support Service offers professional and specialised services to assist children, young people and adults affected by family violence.
VICTORIA
Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre
Call 1800 015 188 open 24/7
Victorian state-wide service providing telephone support, information, referral, safety planning and risk assessment for women and children experiencing family violence.
Sexual Assault Crisis Line
Call 1800 806 292 open 24/7
A state-wide confidential, telephone crisis counselling service for people who have experienced both past and recent sexual assault.
WESTERN AUSTRALIA
Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline
Call 1800 007 339 open 24/7
State-wide service providing support and counselling for women experiencing family and domestic violence.
Sexual Assault Resource Centre
Call 1800 199 888
State-wide service providing emergency services and counselling for people who have experienced both past and recent sexual assault.
https://www.kemh.health.wa.gov.au/Our-services/Statewide-Services/SARC
SUPPORT FOR MEN
Mensline Australia
Call 1300 789 978. Online chat is also available: mensline.org.au
Supports men and boys who are dealing with domestic and family violence and relationship difficulties.
Men’s Referral Service
offers assistance, information and counselling to help men who use domestic and family violence.
Call 1300 755 491
NATIONAL SUPPORT FOR CHILDREN
Headspace
Call 1800 650 890 open 9 am – 1 am, 7 days a week
Support services for young people with mental health, physical health (including sexual health), alcohol and other drug services, as well as work and study support.
Kids Helpline
Call 1800 55 1800 open 24/7
Telephone, email and web counselling for children and young people.
Australian Childhood Foundation
Call 1800 176 453 open 24/7
Counselling for children and young people affected by abuse.
NATIONAL SUPPORT FOR FAMILIES
Relationships Australia
Call 1300 364 277
Information on relationship support services for individuals, families and communities
NATIONAL SUPPORT IN YOUR LANGUAGE
Translating and Interpreting Service
Call 131 450 open 24/7
Free phone service to gain access to an interpreter in your own language.
FINANCIAL SUPPORT
For information about receiving a Centrelink crisis payment to help you with immediate financial concerns, contact Centrelink on 132 850 or find information online
Some banks offer support for customers experiencing domestic and family violence. Call your bank to see how they can assist you.
