Break Free from Toxicity: Building Self-Esteem Post-Abuse

Leaving a toxic relationship may be the hardest thing you ever do. Whether it was an intimate partner, friend or a family member – walking away from someone who has played a significant role in your life is terrifying and painful. No matter how their toxicity manifests (emotional manipulation, physical abuse, chronic lying), deep emotional wounds can run deep.

As a therapist who’s worked with many people who have found themselves on the other side of a toxic relationship, I often hear expressions of relief combined with confusion, guilt, grief and fear. Recovering from this kind of relationship takes concentrated effort and time. That said – if you’ve been in this sort of relationship and are reading this post? You’ve already taken the first step by considering leaving or having left already! And that means more than half the struggle has already been won.

Below, I help you learn how to move on from a toxic relationship - mentally, emotionally and physically. You are not alone and with each step, you will see that healing is possible and empowering.

Recognising the Impact of Toxic Relationships

Before you can move forward, it's important to recognise and understand the impact the toxic relationship had on you. This is part of the healing process.

Emotional Effects

Toxic relationships can mess with your thoughts, feelings, and your very perception of self. If you have experienced emotional abuse, you may be having a difficult time believing that you’re worthy of love or that you will ever be capable of finding the happiness that always seems to elude you.

Gaslighting and manipulation can cause you to doubt yourself and further bury your authentic self under layers of confusion, anxiety, and fear about what life without your partner will look like.

Psychological Effects

The mind can be a warzone once you leave a toxic relationship. You tend to remember random and old arguments or situations that happened while you were in the relationship even though you're now out of it. You might experience cognitive dissonance where your brain will try to reconcile the toxicity with the good times you had and you might find yourself thinking that maybe it wasn’t that bad; maybe you should give your ex another chance.

For some, leaving a toxic relationship can bring on post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), especially if there was any abuse in the relationship.

You might also fear for the future love life. Once you’ve gone through something like that, it’s hard not to question if you’ll ever be able to have a healthy relationship again.

Physical Effects

It’s not just your emotions and mind that suffer the brunt of a toxic relationship – your body can too feel the strain of the stress. You might experience fatigue. You may be tired all of the time as the effects of chronic stress deplete your energy levels, both physically and mentally.

Sleep disturbances are also common. Anxiety or flashbacks can disrupt your sleep, causing insomnia or nightmares.

Other physical health problems associated with high-stress levels include headaches, upset stomach, and a lowered immune system.

Acceptance

Admitting that your relationship affected you like this, is the first step towards healing. You’ll likely want to downplay what you went through but don’t. Validation is everything. This is uncomfortable but it’s a huge part of taking your power back.

Creating a Support System

After you leave a toxic relationship, one of the most important things is to surround yourself with a supportive network of people who can help you heal and know that you are not alone.

Friends and Family

In a toxic relationship, you may have become isolated either because your partner forced people out of your life or because you were just too exhausted to maintain relationships. It’s time to reconnect.

Start with family or friends who you trust. Share what feels comfortable to you about what has been going on and where you’re at right now. Many toxic-relationship survivors feel shame, but remind yourself all day long if necessary that “this wasn’t my fault.” Your true friends and loving family will be there for you.

Build new connections. If your old social circles were interlaced with the toxic person, you’ll want to work towards developing new relationships and friendships. Join groups or communities centred around a shared interest or healthy support for survivors of abusive/toxic/spiritually destructive relationships.

Professional Support

Sometimes you need more than friends and family can provide. Talking to a therapist or counsellor who specializes in relationships, trauma, or abuse can be extremely helpful.

Therapy is a valid option. It’s a space where you can talk about everything with someone who is completely outside the “relationship web” so to speak. Process your emotions and find some healing as well as learn how to move forward with healthier coping mechanisms.

Another option is joining support groups. I’m telling you, this can be a life changing for you. Hearing other people’s stories who were in similar situations as you and realising that what you’re feeling isn’t crazy and there are people who have healed from it, will change the game for you.

Allowing Yourself to Grieve

One of the toughest parts about moving on from a toxic relationship is dealing with grief. Yep, grief. It might sound strange because toxic relationships hurt you, so why would you grieve? But the truth is, even toxic relationships often come with love, hope, and dreams of what could have been. It’s totally normal to grieve those things.

What You Might Grieve

You might grieve the person you thought they were. Maybe you loved the version of your partner who showed up when things were good—the one who made you feel special, loved, or safe.

You might also grieve the future you imagined together, whether that was marriage, kids, or just a life spent together.

It’s also common to feel sad about the time and emotional energy you invested in the relationship. It’s natural to feel like you’ve lost years or missed out on opportunities.

Giving Yourself Permission

Permit yourself to feel sad, angry, confused, or all of the above. Emotions aren’t always logical, and they often come in waves. Grieving isn’t a straight path—one day you might feel fine, and the next, you might be overwhelmed by sorrow. And that’s okay. The key is to be kind to yourself during these moments.

Breaking the Trauma Bond

If you’ve been stuck in a toxic relationship for a while, you might have developed something called a trauma bond. This is a strong emotional attachment to the person who hurt you. It can be really confusing because even though you know the relationship was bad for you, part of you might still miss them or feel drawn back to them.

Understanding Trauma Bonds

Trauma bonds happen when there’s a cycle of abuse mixed with occasional kindness or love from the abuser. This pattern creates a powerful emotional dependency because your brain starts craving those rare moments of affection or validation, despite all the harm.

It’s important to realise that your attachment is rooted in trauma, not real love or affection.

You might feel tempted to reach out, especially if they’re still contacting you, apologising, or making promises to change. This is part of the cycle, and going back will only reinforce the trauma bond.

Strategies to Break Free

One of the most effective ways to break a trauma bond is to cut off all forms of communication—no texting, social media, or meeting up “just to talk.” It might feel painful at first, but it creates space for healing.

Replace the energy you used to spend on the relationship with self-care activities. Whether it’s exercise, art, journaling, or meditation, find ways to soothe and nurture yourself.

Reading about trauma bonds and toxic relationships can empower you to understand the dynamics that kept you tied to this person. Knowledge is power, and the more you understand, the easier it will be to move forward.

Rebuilding Your Identity

One of the most common struggles people face after leaving a toxic relationship is a sense of lost identity. You may have spent so much time trying to keep the peace or manage the other person’s emotions that you lost touch with your own needs, desires, and passions. Now is the time to rediscover who you are, independent of that relationship.

One problem people have after leaving a bad relationship is feeling like they don't know who they are anymore. You may have spent a lot of time trying to make things okay or dealing with the other person's feelings, which made you forget about your own needs, wants, and interests. Now is the best time to find out who you are, outside that relationship.

Rediscovering Your Values

Start by reflecting on what matters most to you. Toxic relationships can sometimes distort your sense of self-worth or make you forget what you used to enjoy. Reconnect with your core values.

What are your passions? Think about the hobbies or interests that once brought you joy. Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but were discouraged from doing in your relationship? Now is your chance.

Think about what is most important to you. Toxic relationships make people doubt their own worth or forget things they used to like doing. Again, get in touch with your values: what do you love?

Think about some of the hobbies or things you loved that made you happy. Maybe there was something you always wanted to do but felt held back from doing in your relationship. Well, now is the time to go for it!

What kind of relationships do you value? Reflect on what you value in friends, family, and romantic partners. With this in mind, how might you forge more positive relationships in the future?

Embracing New Opportunities

Healing from a toxic relationship often opens up space for personal growth and self-discovery.

Explore new interests. Take this time to try new activities—whether it’s joining a class, picking up a creative project, or traveling. Exploring new interests can help you and passion.

Set new goals. Whether they are professional, personal, or relational, setting new goals gives you something to strive for. Focus on what excites you about the future.

Healing from a toxic relationship may actually inspire personal growth and learning about yourself. Try to discover new things that you enjoy. Use this time to try different activities, creative projects, or trips. New interests will help you reconnect with your sense of curiosity and feel passionate again.

Set New Goals. Setting new goals, whether for work, personal life, or relationships, gives you something toward which to work. Now, consider what excites you about your future.

Learning to Trust Again

It's not easy to move on from a toxic relationship, especially in learning how to trust - yourself and others. A person who has experienced pain may feel wary about allowing people into their lives again. This is quite normal. But trust is a very important ingredient in any healthy relationship.

Rebuilding Self-Trust

It is hard to believe in your ability to make sound decisions when someone has manipulated you or made you doubt your decision-making ability. For you to move on, you need to start trusting your judgment again.

Commence with the minor steps. Make simple decisions and observe how they affect you. Was it for something you chose because it matched what you believe in? Or did it make you happy? These little successes will increase your confidence in your decision-making ability.

Listen to your intuition. Too many people in bad relationships learn to ignore their gut feelings. It is time to listen to that inner voice again: if something feels wrong, trust yourself to do something about it.

Trusting Others

It is scary to trust people again, especially in a love relationship. It's okay to be cautious, but don't let your fear stop you from getting acquainted with new people. Take your time. You do not need to rush to get into another relationship. Allow some time for healing and regaining your confidence. If you decide to start dating again or make new friends, go slowly.

Set boundaries. Setting and maintaining boundaries is key in healthy relationships. Communicate your needs, and don't be afraid to walk away from people who don't respect them.

The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is often difficult to understand in relation to toxic relationships. That doesn't mean you excuse the harm or forget what you went through. Rather, forgiveness is about releasing the hold that person has over you.

Forgiving Your Ex-Partner

You don't have to forgive your ex if you are not ready. You also don't have to forgive them at all if it doesn't feel right for you. But for some people, forgiving can be a strong way to move on.

Release your anger. Sometimes, holding on to anger or bitterness anchors a person in the past. Forgiving actually helps free one from that emotional burden so one can focus on the future.

It's for you, not for them. Remember, forgiving is about setting yourself free, not about letting the other person get away with it.

Forgiving Yourself

Feeling guilty or blaming oneself is common among people who have left toxic relationships. You may ask yourself, "Why didn't I leave sooner?" or "How did I get into this?" Remember that you did the best you could in a difficult situation.

Practice self-compassion. Give yourself the kindness you would extend to a friend. Know that leaving a toxic relationship is a process, and it takes so much strength and courage.

Conclusion: Moving Forward with Strength

and Self-Love

Leaving a toxic relationship is like taking an emotional journey with ups and downs. But most importantly, you must know that you deserve love, respect, and happiness. By understanding how the relationship affected you, building a strong support system, and working on your healing, you can take back your life and create a future full of joy and peace.

Healing does take time, but with patience and being kind to yourself, you will come out stronger, wiser, and closer to yourself than ever. Every step toward healing is a win, and each day brings you closer to the life you should have: full of great relationships, self-love, and endless possibilities.

If you are ready to talk, you can contact me at:

kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au

or call me on 0452 285 526.