Between Safety and Solidarity: Should You Warn Your Ex-Abuser's New Partner?
This post explores a complex and emotionally charged topic. To make it easier to navigate, here’s a breakdown of what’s covered:
Table of Contents
Understanding the Dilemma
Imagine this: Your abusive ex has moved on and is now seeing someone new. Maybe it’s someone from your child’s school. You’ve heard the news on the grapevine, and a question keeps popping up in your head: Should I warn her?
It’s natural to feel torn. You might ask yourself: Will she believe me? Could this put me in danger? These are real fears, and they don’t have easy answers. But if you’re grappling with these questions, keep reading. You’re not alone in facing this dilemma.
A new client shared this with me: her ex-husband, who had been emotionally and verbally abusive to her and their children, had started seeing a mother at the school their children go to. “Should I say something to her?” she asked me. “He was so horrible to me and the kids. But I don’t know her that well, will she even believe me? And what if he comes after me?”
So what can you do? How do you protect someone else without putting yourself in danger?
When Abuse Continues: Speaking Up
Here’s the harsh reality: Abusers are skilled at spinning narratives that make their exes seem unstable or “crazy”. They’ll twist the truth and manipulate the new partner into believing they’re the victim.
So, if you choose to reach out to their new partner be aware that they might be in the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship when everything seems perfect. Your warning might not land, because your ex has already worked hard to charm her and discredit you.
The Stakes Are Higher With Children
Abusers don’t magically change. Unless they seek serious help, like counselling or anger management, their abusive patterns tend to repeat. And when kids are involved, the risks grow exponentially. Even if your children aren’t directly harmed, witnessing abuse can leave lasting scars. Your concern for the children is not only valid, it’s essential. Abusers often use children as pawns, creating emotional damage that can last a lifetime.
Should You Warn Them?
It’s the question that keeps you up at night: should you reach out to your ex’s new partner?
The answer isn’t simple. On one hand, you might feel a deep moral pull to protect someone from what you’ve been through. Many survivors later confess they desperately wish someone had warned them. Even if they wouldn’t have believed it at first, that warning could have planted a seed. When the familiar patterns started emerging, they might have recognised them sooner.
But this isn’t just about doing what feels right. Your safety comes first - always. And there’s a delicate balance between helping others and respecting their right to make their own choices. Things become even more complex when children are involved.
Think of warnings like seeds. Sometimes, they fall on rocky ground and nothing grows. But other times, when someone starts to notice the red flags themselves, that seed blossoms into understanding. They remember your words and think, “So that’s what they meant.”
Protecting Yourself Comes First
Let's talk about something that matters more than anything else right now - keeping you safe. Before you send that message or make that call, take a minute to think things through.
Ask yourself: How might your ex respond if they find out you're reaching out? What's the safest way to handle this communication? You know their patterns better than anyone, so trust your instincts.
Make sure you've got people in your corner. Friends, family, or professionals who understand what you're going through and can step in if things get rough. And document everything - save those texts, emails, or voicemails. It might feel unnecessary now, but if you ever need legal help, you'll be glad you did.
You're not being paranoid - you're being prepared. There's a big difference.
“Should I say something?” It’s a question many survivors wrestle with. Sometimes the safest place to explore that dilemma is with someone who truly listens.
Practical Steps to Protect a New Partner from Abuse
When Someone New Dates Your Ex
I get it. You want to run up to her, grab her shoulders, and tell her everything. But we both know it's not that simple.
Start small. A quiet “I'm here if you ever want to talk” can plant the seed. No pressure, no drama - just an open door. Sometimes that's all someone needs to feel less alone.
Building trust takes time.
Maybe you start by grabbing coffee together or bonding over your shared love of true crime podcasts (without mentioning the walking red flag you both have in common). The key is creating a safe space where she knows she can turn to you, whenever she's ready.
Keep notes, though. Not because you're plotting revenge, but because abusers are masters at making you doubt your own memory. Write down what happens, when it happens. Save those texts. Screenshot those posts. Not to use as weapons but as anchors to reality. If she ever needs them, they'll be there. If she doesn't, at least you'll know you weren't crazy.
Trust that feeling in your gut. You know, the one that made you want to warn her in the first place? It's your hard-earned wisdom talking. Listen to it. But also know when to step back. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is simply be there, steady and strong, ready to help when asked.
Remember those first confusing months after you left? How you wished someone had been there to validate what you were feeling? Be that person for her. But - and this is important - protect yourself first. You can't help anyone if you're not okay.
And hey, if it all feels too heavy (because let's face it, it is), reach out to people who get it. Domestic violence counsellors have seen it all. They can help you figure out the best way to handle this without putting yourself at risk.
You're not alone in this. And neither is she. Sometimes just knowing that makes all the difference.
Opening the Door to Communication
You don’t have to dive into heavy details about your marriage right away. A simple, “If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here,” can make a huge difference. It’s gentle, non-confrontational, and still opens the door for future conversation.
This approach respects her autonomy while offering a lifeline. People often need time to recognise toxic dynamics on their own, without feeling pushed or judged.
Some people have found that less direct approaches work better, such as:
Connecting with her over shared interests or activities, no mention of the ex.
Sharing articles or resources on healthy relationships that could give her new insights.
Encouraging her independence, reinforcing her decisions and choices, even without talking about the ex.
Documenting Patterns of Abuse?
Sometimes, documenting the patterns of abusive behaviour is the most effective way to protect yourself and others. Keep a record of incidents that show your ex’s toxic behaviour. This is a quiet way to be prepared without directly intervening.
This documentation can:
Serve as evidence if she reaches out later.
Help counter the lies and manipulation of an abuser.
Help you in legal matters if the abuse escalates.
Give you clarity and peace of mind as you reflect on your experiences.
Trust Your Instincts
At the end of the day, trust yourself. Your instincts about what’s safest for you and your children are powerful. Your desire to warn this woman is rooted in compassion, and that matters.
Survivors often develop “traumatic wisdom”. It is a kind of gut feeling that alerts them to danger. If something feels off about reaching out, trust that feeling. It’s there to protect you.
Women Supporting Women
It’s completely natural to want to protect others from the abuse you’ve experienced. However, it’s also important to balance that desire with the need to protect yourself. Abusers often thrive on isolating their victims, so simply offering yourself as a source of support can make a meaningful difference in the long term.
If you find yourself in a position where you’re unsure how to proceed, or if you need additional help, getting in touch with a domestic violence counsellor or support service can be a vital step. You don’t have to go through this alone, and there are people who can help you make these difficult decisions safely.
Related Resources
Gaslighting: Unravelling the Web of Psychological Abuse. Learn about the tactics abusers use to control and undermine their victims.
How to Create a Safety Plan. A guide for those looking for advice on how to safely exit an abusive situation.
Breaking the Chains: Understanding Coercive Control. Recognise the signs of coercive control in a relationship.
Supporting Your Child After Leaving an Abusive Relationship. How to support children after leaving an abusive relationship.
Australian Resources and Support
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence in Australia, these resources are available:
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732. 1800Respect is Australia's national domestic, it also offers family and sexual violence counselling services. Available 24/7
Lifeline: 13 11 14. Crisis support and suicide prevention, available 24/7
Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277. They offer support for families experiencing relationship difficulties
Men's Referral Service: 1300 766 491. Support for men concerned about their behaviour
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800. Counselling for young people aged 5-25
Family Relationship Advice Line: 1800 050 321. Information and advice on family relationship issues
Women's Legal Services in your state or territory. Free legal advice for women experiencing domestic violence
Safe Steps: 1800 015 188. Victoria's 24/7 family violence response service
DV Connect Womensline: 1800 811 811. Queensland's 24/7 crisis response service for women
For Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities:
13YARN: 13 92 76. Crisis support service for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people
The Healing Foundation. Resources for addressing trauma in Indigenous communities
Healing from abuse is a long journey, and seeking professional support can be an important step in that process. Whether you decide to reach out to your ex's new partner or not, continue prioritising your healing and safety. Your experiences and concerns are valid, and you deserve support in navigating this situation.
Contact & Appointments
If you need support, Safe Space Counselling Services is here for you. I specialise in domestic abuse, relationship issues, and trauma recovery.
Contact me at:
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au
or call me on 0452 285 526
Online: Schedule an appointment
I offer in-person and online appointments, and many insurance plans are accepted.
