Understanding Toxic Shame: Healing the Wounds of Childhood
I was with a new client, Izzy. She told me how, as a seven-year-old at school, she had accidentally spilled water on her artwork and her first instinct was to look around anxiously to see if anyone had noticed. Heart pounding, she quickly covered the stain with her hand. Not only was she embarrassed, but there was more to it than that. Even at this early age, Izzy experienced a shame that had become her constant companion. She could hear her father’s voice: “What's wrong with you? Can't you do anything right?”
As a therapist specialising in domestic violence, sexual abuse and complex trauma, I have worked with many people who carry similar burdens from their childhood. Izzy's story reflects a pattern I often see in my practice: the development of toxic shame that begins in childhood and shapes adult lives in significant ways.
The Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame
Have you ever spilled a drink at a friend's party? Have you felt a sudden pang of embarrassment? Have you apologised, helped clean up and then moved on? This is a healthy feeling of shame; a short-lived emotion that signals to us that we've made a mistake or broken a social rule. It guides our behaviour, but it doesn't define us.
Toxic shame works differently. It's not about what you've done, it's about who you think you are. It tells you, “You didn't just make a mistake, you are the mistake”. This kind of shame gets woven into the fabric of identity and colours every experience and every relationship.
For those who have experienced domestic abuse, sexual trauma or childhood neglect, toxic shame often becomes the filter through which they view themselves and the world. The first step to healing is to understand the origins of this shame.
Toxic shame takes root early, shaping how we see ourselves before we even understand why.
How Toxic Shame Takes Root in Childhood
Children are very vulnerable to developing toxic shame. Their brains, which are still developing, are set up to learn messages about themselves and their value from their world, especially from their caregivers.
When James was growing up, his mother struggled with alcoholism. She was present and loving one day; on other days, she would lash out and say he was the reason she drank. The young James couldn't understand the complexities of addiction. Instead, his developing mind created a simpler explanation: “There must be something wrong with me”.
Kids like James understand their experience through an egocentric lens, not necessarily because they are selfish, but because developmentally they lack the vision to understand that the actions of adults are often about them and not about the child. Kids internalise the message that they are bad in some fundamental way when caregivers are consistently critical, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable.
Domestic violence creates particularly fertile ground for toxic shame. A child watching one parent abuse another absorbs terrifying lessons: love and violence can coexist; powerlessness is painful; and perhaps most damaging: there must be something wrong with the family, and by extension, with them.
Sexual abuse compounds these shame messages. Elena, a client in her forties, still remembers her uncle telling her their “special time” was secret because “no one would understand”. The secrecy and boundary violations made her feel fundamentally different and defective, with a “dirty secret” within that she had to lug around. The physiological responses her body naturally experienced during the abuse further confused and shamed her, creating layers of self-blame that persisted long after the abuse ended.
Even without overt criticism or abuse, emotional neglect can create toxic shame. When children's feelings are consistently dismissed (“Stop crying, it's not that bad”), invalidated (“You shouldn't feel that way”), or ignored, they learn their emotional needs don't matter. This subtle but pervasive message becomes internalised as: “What I feel is wrong; therefore, something is wrong with me”.
When Shame Leads to Repeated Trauma: The Link to Adult Relationships
Perhaps one of the most painful patterns I witness in my practice is how childhood toxic shame fosters vulnerability to domestic abuse and unhealthy relationships in adulthood. When Sarah first came to therapy, she was recovering from her third abusive relationship. “I keep choosing the same type of person but with a different face”, she said, “And the worst part is, even while it's happening, some part of me feels like I deserve it”.
This is the insidious legacy of toxic shame. Growing up believing you're inherently flawed makes criticism and even abuse feel familiar, even deserved. The harsh words from an abusive partner echo the inner critic that has been with you since childhood, creating a terrible sense of confirmation rather than violation. Warning signs that would alarm someone with healthy self-worth might hardly register when they align with your deepest beliefs about yourself.
Moreover, those carrying toxic shame often have poorly defined boundaries, having learned early on that their needs and feelings don't matter. They may struggle to recognise when their boundaries are being crossed because they've never experienced consistent respect for them. The hypervigilance developed as a survival skill in childhood: reading moods, anticipating needs, and becoming invisible when necessary, can be mistaken for love: “I know what he needs before he does”. This same vigilance makes them exceptionally attuned to an abuser's needs while remaining disconnected from their own.
Many unconsciously seek to resolve their childhood wounds through relationships that activate the same emotional patterns, hoping for a different outcome. One client described it like this: “The devil you know feels safer than the devil you don't”. It is not enough to leave an abusive relationship but you must also challenge the toxic shame that made the relationship feel acceptable in the first place.
Toxic Shame in Adulthood: Recognising the Patterns
As Izzy, James, and Elena entered adulthood, shame transformed from just a feeling into a defining aspect of their identities, shaping their relationships and choices.
Izzy became a perfectionist, always pushing herself to validate her worth through accomplishments. She often thought, “If I can just earn this promotion, publish this paper, or complete this marathon, I might finally feel adequate”. However, the target kept shifting, and the temporary joy of success never resolved her deep-seated belief that she was inherently inadequate.
James developed what he called his “radar for rejection”. In relationships, he was hypervigilant for signs his partner was pulling away. If his partner cancelled a date or took their time responding to his text message, it would confirm for him what he already “knew”; that once people got close enough to see the real him, they would inevitably leave. This belief became a self-fulfilling prophecy as his need for constant reassurance eventually strained his relationships.
Elena built walls. “I don't let anyone get close enough to hurt me”, she explained in our first session. Her strategy protected her from potential rejection but also kept at bay the connection and intimacy she deeply craved. When someone expressed genuine interest in her, she found herself pushing them away. In her mind, it was better to reject than be rejected.
These patterns manifest in countless ways:
The people-pleaser who believes they must earn love through constant accommodation and service.
The rage-filled partner who projects their shame outward, making others feel as small as they feel inside.
The perfectionist whose relentless inner critic prevents them from taking risks or showing vulnerability.
The substance user who temporarily escapes the unbearable feeling of being defective through alcohol or drugs.
Behind these diverse behaviours lies the same core belief: “I am not worthy of love”.
The Body Keeps the Score: Shame's Physical Impact
Toxic shame is not just in the mind; it is in the body. When Elena told of her childhood, her shoulders caved forward, her voice lowered to a virtual whisper, and her eyes dropped to the floor. Her body literally became what she had learned: small, invisible, unnoticed.
Trauma survivors most commonly describe physical sensations accompanying their shame: a heaviness in the chest, a flush to the face, an emptiness in the stomach, or needing to disappear. These body sensations may be triggered by something that would otherwise be insignificant, a mistaken word, a mistake, or even a compliment threatening their negative self-image.
Learning to distinguish the way that shame looks physically gives us helpful feedback. The body will typically recognise shame before the mind does, warning us that old patterns are being activated.
Understanding how shame manifests physically provides valuable information. The body often recognises shame before the conscious mind does, offering an early warning system that old patterns are being activated.
Breaking Free: The Path to Healing Toxic Shame
Healing from toxic shame is not about eliminating shame entirely; it's about transforming your relationship with it. This involves several interweaving paths:
Bringing Shame into the Light
Shame likes to be kept secret and hidden. Shame, according to researcher Brené Brown, cannot survive the act of speaking. For James, simply naming his experience “toxic shame” rather than “the truth about me” offered a distinction that allowed him to begin to dispute the beliefs he had lived with for decades.
In therapy, we create a space where these deeply held beliefs can be gently examined. When Elena initially expressed her belief that she was “damaged goods”, this declaration was greeted with compassion rather than confirmation which began to undermine the foundations of her shame.
Rewiring the Brain Through Self-Compassion
Izzy's inner voice had always been harsh, an echo of her critical father. Learning to speak to herself with kindness felt wrong as if she was letting herself “off the hook” for her perceived defectiveness.
Self-compassion isn't self-indulgence or lowering standards. It actually leads to greater emotional resilience and motivation than self-criticism. It involves three elements:
Self-kindness - speaking to yourself as you would to a friend facing difficulty
Humanity - recognising that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the human experience
Mindfulness - observing painful feelings without suppressing or over-identifying with them
For Izzy, this began with simple practices, placing a hand over her heart during moments of distress, acknowledging her pain without judgment, and gradually replacing her father's critical voice with one of understanding.
Rewriting Your Narrative
Our life stories shape our identity. People experiencing toxic shame frequently have stories filled with feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness and loneliness. Healing requires broadening these stories to incorporate themes of strength, relationships, and personal development.
James began to recognise that surviving his childhood had required remarkable strength. The sensitivity he had always viewed as a weakness was, in fact, a deep capacity for empathy that enriched his adult relationships. Gradually, he developed a more complex and compassionate understanding of both his mother and himself, seeing how her addiction and his responses made sense in context, without minimising the real pain they caused.
Finding Connection That Heals
One of the strongest remedies for toxic shame is being able to form genuine connections with people who recognise and affirm our inherent value. This can happen through therapy, close friendships, support groups or spiritual communities.
For many, therapy provides the first experience of being truly seen without judgment. This relationship becomes a template for new possibilities; if one person can witness your whole truth without rejection, perhaps others can too. And, most importantly, perhaps you can too.
The Journey Forward
Recovery from toxic shame rarely follows a straightforward path. You might experience days when your internal critic sounds convincing, and the familiar weight of shame feels more substantial than any fresh perspective you've gained. These tough moments aren't signs of failure. Rather, they present concrete opportunities to apply the skills you're developing: recognising the shame without merging with it, responding to yourself with measured kindness, and reaching out rather than retreating.
Toxic shame emerged as your mind's way of coping with incomprehensible experiences. It offered a framework to understand what was happening to you and around you. It was a psychological adaptation that made sense given the limited information and resources available to you at the time. Now, with an adult perspective and new tools, you can assess which of these early adaptations still protect you and which ones hold you back.
Your inherent value exists independently of the shame you've carried. It remains intact beneath the layers of protective beliefs and behaviours you’ve developed. Recognising this worth doesn't come through magical thinking or affirmations alone, but through deliberate practice and the real experience of being treated with dignity. This work demands persistence and courage, yet each step builds capacity for the next. Importantly, it's work you need not undertake in isolation.
If this resonates with you, therapy can help. Safe Space Counselling Services provides a compassionate, judgment-free space for you to explore and heal from toxic shame. You can contact me at:
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526
