Unveiling Coercive Control Tactics in Gabby Petito's Story
As a therapist specialising in domestic violence for many years, I watched the Gabby Petito documentary on Netflix with a heavy heart. The patterns were all too familiar; the same dynamics I've seen countless times in my counselling practice. Gabby's story is an example of coercive control that went tragically unrecognised by those who might have intervened.
“Coercive control can involve any behaviour which scares, hurts, isolates, humiliates, harasses, monitors, takes away another person’s freedom or unreasonably controls their day-to-day activities. It can include physical violence and sexual abuse, but it doesn’t have to.”
The Bodycam Footage and Missed Warning Signs
Before Gabby went missing, she and Brian were pulled over by police after a witness reported a possible domestic incident. The bodycam footage from that stop became one of the most publicly scrutinised pieces of evidence in the case, and a disturbing window into how coercive control is misunderstood, even by authorities.
In the video, Gabby is visibly distressed, apologetic, and eager to downplay what happened. She blames herself. Brian, by contrast, is composed, calm, and quick to redirect attention. He even jokes with officers. No charges were laid but to many viewers with experience of abuse, the power imbalance was unmistakable.
Coercive control often plays out like this:
The victim seems unstable or "too emotional"
The perpetrator appears reasonable or misunderstood
Outside observers, including police, take things at face value
What the footage didn’t show was the full pattern: the isolation, the controlling behaviors, the fear behind Gabby’s tears.
Anxiety as a Weapon
What many didn’t see was how Gabby’s anxiety was weaponised against her. In abusive relationships, vulnerabilities, especially mental health struggles, often become tools of manipulation. Anxious feelings are dismissed or used to undermine credibility:
“You’re just being anxious again.”
“It’s all in your head.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re crazy.”
This kind of gaslighting erodes a person’s trust in their own emotions and instincts making it even harder to leave or seek help.
A place of stunning beauty, marked by this tragic story.
Recognising the Warning Signs
Looking at Gabby's story, several warning signs of domestic abuse become clear:
1. Love-bombing
Brian described meeting Gabby as “love at first sight”, creating an intense, fairy-tale beginning that moved quickly. Within nine months, Gabby had moved to Florida. When he proposed after their first anniversary, he claimed a firefly landed on her ring finger as a sign “the universe wanted us to be together”. This love bombing, overwhelming affection and romantic gestures, is a common tactic abusers use to sweep victims off their feet before they can properly assess the relationship.
2. Isolation
Brian systematically cut Gabby off from friends, particularly her friend Rose Davis. He expressed disgust about her job, calling her coworkers “lowlifes”. His texts described them as “f*** disgusting”. As Rose Davis noted, “The more her and I were together and talking and having a good time… she actually felt more independent, and that's when he was like, “Okay I've got to do something to change this”. This isolation ensures victims have nowhere to turn for perspective or help.
3. Self-Blame and Internalised Criticism
Throughout the police interaction, Gabby repeatedly took responsibility for the conflict. She apologised for “distracting him” while driving and blamed her OCD and anxiety. She referenced “being mean” and having a “bad mood” internalising Brian's criticisms of her. This self-blame isn't coincidental; it's cultivated by abusers who gradually convince victims that everything is their fault.
4. The “Crazy” Narrative
Brian casually called Gabby “crazy” to the police before laughing it off as a joke. He pathologised her mental health struggles while the officers largely ignored that Brian admitted to having the same condition. This undermines victims' credibility while positioning abusers as rational and reasonable.
5. Contrasting Behaviour Between Victim and Abuser
During the police interaction, Gabby showed classic victim behaviours: apologising, taking responsibility, and remaining emotionally distressed throughout. Brian, meanwhile, showed textbook aggressor behaviours: avoiding responsibility, placing blame elsewhere, and notably relaxing when officers suggested Gabby might be arrested. His demeanour visibly changed, becoming friendly and joking with officers, once he realised he wasn't in trouble.
6. The Contrast of Public vs. Private Life
Gabby and Brian's social media presented a blissful #vanlife adventure, making it hard for outsiders to imagine what was happening behind the scenes. As Rose Davis said in the documentary: “The happiest people on social media usually have the darkest skeletons in their closet”. Abusers are often very good at maintaining a charming public persona while being entirely different behind closed doors.
7. Cycle of Tension, Explosion, and Reconciliation
Gabby’s friend described how Brian would treat Gabby terribly, like stealing her ID to stop her from going out, but then he would follow with “amazing sweet” gestures that left Gabby feeling guilty and undeserving of him. This cycle keeps victims trapped, always waiting for the “good times” to return, creating a trauma bond that becomes increasingly difficult to break.
8. Controlling Behaviour
Brian showed control over Gabby by preventing her from entering the van. He took away her keys to limit her movement and freedom. His worries about her having a phone indicate that he wanted to restrict her communication with others. These tactics made Gabby becoming dependent on Brian and create a sense of helplessness.
9. "Gut Feelings" From Close Friends
Her friend remembered telling her mother after first meeting Brian: “He's a really nice guy, but there's something off about him”. These intuitive concerns from people close to the victim often can see subtle controlling behaviours that the victim has normalised.
10. Exit Seems Impossible
Gabby reportedly told her ex-boyfriend she wanted to leave Brian but “wasn't sure of what he would do or what he could do”. This fear paralyses many victims, especially when abusers have explicitly or implicitly threatened consequences. The most dangerous time for victims is when they attempt to leave - something that Gabby seemed to understand instinctively.
The Failure of the Police
The police in Moab built rapport with Brian, commiserating about relationship difficulties and drawing parallels to one officer's ex-wife. They intimidated Gabby with statements like “Be very careful about how you answer this question as it will determine if you are charged”
They ignored discrepancies in the stories and dismissed Brian's admission of grabbing Gabby's face, an action that cannot reasonably be considered self-defence. They kept Gabby isolated during the stop while literally fist-bumping Brian. They even encouraged her to reunite with him the next day.
Perhaps most troubling, they reinforced Brian's narrative that Gabby's mental health was the issue.
Moving Forward: What We Can Learn
Domestic violence isn't about anger management or “toxic relationships”. It's about one person deliberately controlling another through fear, manipulation, and abuse of power. Coercive control does not necessarily leave physical signs, which makes it harder to detect and address through traditional legal frameworks focused on distinct violent incidents.
How You Can Get Support
Safe Space Counselling Services provides specialist support for women who are experiencing or recovering from coercive control, emotional abuse, or domestic violence.
Whether you’re feeling confused about your relationship, making a safety plan, or beginning the healing process, you are welcome here.
For immediate support, contact 1800RESPECT a 24/7 national service providing crisis support and information.
Want to talk confidentially?
You can book a consultation here or reach out directly:
📧 Email: kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526
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Visit our Domestic Violence & Safety Resources page for services, tools, and emergency contacts.
Remember: If something feels wrong, it probably is. Your instincts matter. Your safety matters. And there is help available when you’re ready to reach out. Please visit our Domestic Violence & Safety Resources page for support services and emergency contacts.
