The Complexity of Love in Abusive Relationships
One of the most common questions I hear from clients is “Why do I still love my partner? They’ve hurt me so badly, but there’s still a part of me that loves them”. Variations of this sentiment often arise: “My friends and family don’t understand why I still have feelings for them” or “I feel so confused because I know I should leave, but I can’t stop loving them”.
The internal struggle between love and pain, between staying and leaving, can be agonising for those trapped in abusive relationships. This feeling of being stuck is a common experience when you’re torn between your emotional connection with your partner and the awareness that they are causing harm. Why is this so difficult? Why doesn’t love just disappear once the abuse starts?
Navigating the complexities of love and trauma bonds.
The Illusion of Love
When you fell in love with your partner, you didn’t fully know them. Many abusers initially present their most likable side — they’re delightful, considerate, and appear perfect. You might have experienced intense sexual chemistry or an intoxicating rush of emotions. This early stage is often referred to as love-bombing, a tactic manipulators use to quickly earn your trust and affection.
However, over time, the facade begins to crack. The abusive behavior typically doesn’t start right away; it’s often subtle at first. For example, your partner might pressure you to spend all your time with them, which you initially see as an expression of love. Or perhaps they lose their temper over something minor but are very apologetic afterward. Everyone has bad days, right?
This is how the cycle often begins.
The First Signs of Abuse
Abuse usually doesn’t show itself at first; it creeps in slowly and quietly. Maybe your partner starts criticizing you more often but softens the blow with a compliment. For instance, they might say “You’re amazing, but you really need to lose weight”. Or they make jokes at your expense, and when you call them out, they say “I’m just kidding, don’t be so sensitive”.
These seemingly insignificant comments add up, chipping away at your self-esteem. At the time, they seem like isolated incidents that are easy to ignore. You reassure yourself that your partner didn’t really mean it, believing things will get better.
As you develop a stronger emotional connection to your partner, you become increasingly committed to preserving the bond. Eventually, your attachment intensifies, making it difficult to leave. Meanwhile, the abusive incidents pile up, becoming more frequent and overt. You learn to read the signs — the tension in their voice, the look in their eyes — and prepare for the next incident.
The Cycle of Abuse
The back-and-forth dynamic in abusive relationships is known as the cycle of abuse. This pattern often keeps people trapped due to intermittent moments of love, affection, and reconciliation between episodes of abuse. Following outbursts of anger or violence, a honeymoon phase typically follows, where the abuser expresses remorse and love. This can be confusing for the victim, reigniting the initial feelings of love experienced at the start of the relationship.
However, this cycle does not stop. The apologies are fleeting, and abusive behavior resurfaces, often with escalating intensity. While loving moments become scarce, they still exist, holding enough power to keep you from leaving.
The Trauma Bond: Why You Can’t Let Go
One of the most powerful forces keeping people tied to their partners is trauma bonding. This occurs when a cycle of abuse is followed by moments of kindness and affection. The unpredictable nature of this abuse creates a strong emotional bond, making it exceedingly difficult to break free.
Trauma bonding is a survival mechanism. When someone you love inflicts harm upon you, your brain attempts to make sense of the situation. You might rationalise their behaviour, telling yourself “They didn’t want to hurt me” or “They had a difficult childhood”. You believe that if you can just be better, love them more, or show more understanding, the abuse will stop.
But the reality is that love should never cause you pain. True love should make you feel secure, respected, and valued. Trauma bonding deceives your brain into thinking that the intense highs and lows of an abusive relationship are normal, even though they are not.
When Compassion Keeps You Trapped
Empathy and compassion for your partner’s suffering can also keep you stuck in an abusive relationship. Your partner may have shared stories of a difficult childhood or mental health struggles, leading you to believe you can help heal their wounds.
It’s essential to realise that you cannot fix or change your partner. Abuse is a deliberate action, and it’s not your responsibility to heal their wounds. Only the abuser can change their behaviours, which requires willingness and accountability. Justifying abusive behaviour because of past trauma is one of the most misguided things you can do.
The Pressure to Stay
Society often promotes the idea that love means loyalty, forgiveness, and enduring tough times together. This belief can make it hard to break free from an abusive relationship. You may feel like a failure if you can’t make it work or worry that others will judge you if you leave. Family and friends might encourage you to stay, urging you to give your partner another chance.
However, staying in a relationship where you’re being hurt is not noble; it can even be dangerous. Your mental, emotional, and physical health should be your priority. You don’t need to justify putting yourself first when your safety is at stake.
The Fear of Being Alone
Fear is another factor that keeps people in abusive relationships. You might fear being alone, starting over, or facing the unknown. You may wonder if you’ll ever find love again or if you can survive without your partner. Abusers often exploit this fear, telling you that no one else will love you or that you should be grateful to have them.
These statements are manipulative lies meant to keep you trapped. While leaving an abusive relationship can be daunting, it marks the beginning of reclaiming your life. You deserve a partnership where you feel secure, appreciated, and cherished — not one that fills you with dread.
Cognitive Dissonance: The Mental Struggle in Abusive Relationships
Another issue people in toxic relationships face is cognitive dissonance. This uncomfortable feeling arises when you hold two conflicting thoughts simultaneously. For example, you might think, "My partner is hurting me, but I know they love me". This internal conflict leaves you confused and anxious, making rational decisions difficult.
Many try to rationalise or minimise the abuser's behavior. It feels easier to hold onto the hope that the relationship will improve than to accept the painful reality that someone you love is intentionally hurting you. Cognitive dissonance is a significant reason why it’s challenging to walk away.
Gaslighting: How Abusers Manipulate Your Reality
Gaslighting is another common tactic in abusive relationships. This involves manipulating you into doubting your perceptions or sanity. An abuser may tell you that you overreacted or were too sensitive, or they might deny an incident occurred entirely, leaving you to wonder if everything was just in your head.
Over time, gaslighting destroys your confidence and trust in your judgment, making it increasingly difficult to leave the relationship. It’s a deliberate attempt to confuse and control you, keeping you dependent on the abuser for validation and approval.
The Role of Isolation
Abusers often use isolation as a means to exert control. They may cut you off from friends, family, and other sources of support, discouraging you from spending time with people you love or accusing you of caring more about them than others. This emotional isolation can make you feel like no one else will understand or believe what you’re going through.
When you're isolated, you have fewer opportunities to gain an outside perspective on the relationship, making it harder to see the abuse for what it is. This is why having a support system is crucial. The more isolated you become, the harder it becomes to leave.
Reach Out for Help: If you find yourself in this situation, consider reaching out to a friend, family member, or therapist. These external relationships can provide the support and encouragement you need to take action. Look for organisations dedicated to domestic violence that can assist you in formulating an exit strategy, offering resources for housing, financial assistance, and legal support.
The Fear of Change
The anxiety surrounding leaving an abusive relationship goes beyond emotional distress; it also involves practical issues. Many are reluctant to leave due to fear of the unknown, financial dependence on their partner, or worries about the consequences of their decision. If your partner handles your finances, the thought of escaping can seem daunting, threatening your financial security. If children are involved, you might worry about disrupting their lives or facing custody battles.
Being aware of these fears is crucial for anyone contemplating leaving an abusive relationship. It’s not just about walking away; it involves careful planning, seeking support, and prioritizing safety.
The Impact of Abuse on Your Self-Worth
Abusive relationships deeply impact your sense of self-worth. Over time, you may start to believe that the abuse is your fault or that you deserve it. Abusers often reinforce these feelings by blaming you for their actions, saying that if you were better, they wouldn’t have to hurt you. This constant negativity erodes your confidence and makes it difficult to imagine life without your partner.
Rebuilding Your Self-Worth: Rebuilding your self-worth after an abusive relationship takes time. Therapy can be incredibly helpful in this process, helping you recognise your inherent value, establish healthy boundaries, and cultivate a stronger sense of self.
Why You’re Not to Blame: The Myth of “Fixing” Your Partner
One of the most common traps in abusive relationships is the belief that you can fix or save your partner. This often stems from feelings of guilt or pity, leading you to believe that your love can change them. However, it’s essential to recognise that you cannot heal someone who is unwilling to change.
Abuse is a choice made by the abuser, and it’s crucial to remember that you are not responsible for their actions. Focusing on your own healing journey is the most empowering step you can take.
Moving Forward
If you resonate with any of these experiences, please know that you are not alone. It’s okay to love someone and still acknowledge that they are harmful to you. You can love someone while also prioritising your safety and well-being.
As you begin to navigate these complex feelings, consider seeking professional support or reaching out to trusted friends or family members. You don’t have to face this alone. Reclaim your life, your self-worth, and your happiness. You deserve to be loved in a way that is healthy, supportive, and kind.
If you think you are affected by this issue and would like to talk to me about please do not hesitate to contact me here.
