Coping with Father's Day Emotions

Father's Day. That time of the year again. Stores stock up with cards and gifts, and social media is abuzz with plans for lunches, calls, and visits to celebrate fathers. While, for many, it's a day of abundant joy and love, for others, it may evoke feelings of sadness, pain, and even resentment. It isn’t a day of celebration. If you are one of those, you are not alone.

While many celebrate, others struggle with complicated or broken relationships with their fathers. For some, the relationship never existed at all. The day serves as a painful reminder of what wasn't, and what you will never have, due to abuse, neglect, or emotional absence.

Why Some of Us Struggle on Father’s Day

The Neglectful or Abusive Father

To many of us who had grown up with an abusive or neglecting father, Father's Day was alienating. The ubiquitous reminders of "dad" everywhere merely underlined what had been either missing or not functioning in our lives. Watching the excitement of people talking about their loving, supportive dads, was like shining a light on the hole in our life.

It's not that we don't want to celebrate. Deep down, a lot of us do. But in the place of warm memories, Father's Day only dredges up anger, dread, and loss for us. The day forces us to face feelings about not having had the father we needed or deserved. And for those who have gone no-contact with their father as an act of self-preservation, the day can dredge up even more complex emotions, a mix of sadness, relief, anger, or even guilt.

The Emotionally Absent Father

Take the example of one whose dad didn't abuse him in some overt, physical manner; but he was emotionally unavailable. In this case, the absence is more subtle. Perhaps your father always seemed distant, interested more in his own life or career than in what is happening in his children’s lives. Perhaps he was there in body, but never really present, never asked how your day was, never showed you genuine affection, never supplied you with the emotional reassurance you needed.

Emotional neglect is confusing. Father’s Day might trigger feelings of longing for the father you never had. While there are no memories of harm or mistreatment, the pain of emotional neglect runs just as deep. It's that feeling of growing up in a house where love was never openly expressed, where hugs were few and conversations shallow or non-existent.

You may find yourself wishing for the kind of father who would take an interest in your life, or who showed pride in your accomplishments and made you feel like you mattered. Watching people celebrate their emotionally available and supportive dads feels like pouring salt into the wound and reminds you of the emotional void you learned to live with.

You may even feel guilty that you are struggling with the idea of celebrating your father on Father's Day and think to yourself: "He wasn't that bad" or "At least he was around”. But remember, emotional neglect has its own set of scars. If a parent fails to provide emotional nurturance, it sets the stage for later feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, and relationship dysfunctions.

So some Father's Day can be the reflection of love and support received, to others it may be a reminder of the love and connection they never had. The pain is real, even if it wasn't caused by outright abuse.

Cutting Ties

One of the toughest decisions anyone will ever make is breaking off contact with a parent. The idea of "family" is so deeply rooted in many people's beliefs that severing those ties can feel like a betrayal, even when the relationships are toxic or damaging. The overwhelming expectation set f by society is to forgive and maintain family bonds at any cost, which ultimately makes the decision to walk away complex and filled with emotional weight.

The Internal Conflict

Making this kind of decision can bring you a sense of relief but it can also stir up feelings of guilt.  You're finally prioritising your well-being and mental health. You recognise that this relationship did you more harm than good, and having this distance is essential fo you to heal. However, societal messages like "family is forever," or "blood is thicker than water" can creep in and make you second-guess your decision.  These cultural beliefs can lead to feelings of being the "bad" person, even if the relationship has been damaging.

This struggle can intensify when your dad continues to reach out or tries to maintain contact. Some fathers may not understand how their actions have hurt their children or may refuse to take responsibility for the pain they've caused. They might resort to manipulative tactics, guilt-tripping, or even pretending to be kind in an effort to keep you close. This, of course, makes your decision to go no contact all the more difficult.

The Pressure to Stay Connected

There’s often pressure from family, friends, and society to “fix” the relationship. People might say things like "But he’s your father — can’t you just forgive and move on?" They may not comprehend the extent of the trauma, and they might push for reconciliation without understanding the potential harm it could cause. This can create a sense of isolation, making it feel like no one truly appreciates your pain or supports your decision.

You might feel judged for putting your mental health first instead of trying to maintain the relationship. However, it’s important to remember that stepping away is not a sign of weakness or failure — it’s an act of strength. You are choosing to protect yourself, to break the cycle of harm, and to focus on healing. This is especially true if you’ve previously attempted to repair the relationship and found that it only led to more pain or anxiety.

Emotional Consequences of Going No-Contact

When I decided to sever my relationship with my father, I expected to feel an immediate sense of relief. I believed that it would be as straightforward as cutting a cord and moving on. I did not anticipate the complex emotional consequences that followed.

Initially, I did experience a sense of calm since I was free from ongoing emotional manipulation and fear. Yet, alongside that, I was hit with a profound sense of loss.

Despite his abusive behaviour, he was still my father. That part of me that always yearned for a loving relationship with him needed to process this grief. I wasn’t mourning the man he was; I was grieving the father I had always wished he could be. It’s incredibly sad to come to terms with the fact that the person meant to love and protect you was the one who inflicted the most pain. Accepting that he would never change, no matter how much I hoped or tried, brought a deep sorrow that was hard to bear.

Finding Strength in Your Decision

It took me a long time in therapy to truly understand and accept my decision to sever ties. I came to accept that my father's behaviour wasn't merely a temporary issue or something I could easily overlook; it was a recurring pattern that had a profound effect on my mental and emotional well-being. Therapy illuminated the fact that stepping away was a necessary part of my healing journey.

People who haven't faced abuse may struggle to comprehend why someone would choose to distance themselves from a family member. They might advocate for reconciliation or (sometimes unknowingly) minimise the severity of your experiences. It's important to trust your instincts and stand by your decision. Only you can fully appreciate the impact your parent’s actions have on your life and mental health.

Deciding to end the relationship is about fostering a safe and healthy space for yourself, free from the turmoil and pain of the past. It's about reclaiming control over your life and refusing to let past trauma dictate your life. It's also about acknowledging your own value — recognising that you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and love.

The Freedom That Follows

Once I came to terms with the pain and trauma my father caused, I found a sense of freedom. The burden of his influence no longer weighed me down. I was free from the constant fear of his judgment and angry outbursts. I could finally make choices that reflected my own needs and desires, without worrying about his disapproval and cutting words hanging over me. 

This newfound freedom was the most exhilarating feeling I had ever known. While severing ties with a toxic father may not bring immediate relief, as time goes on and you begin to heal, you'll find that the fear, anxiety, and emotional strain start to fade away. You'll gain more mental and emotional energy to focus on yourself and cultivate the relationships that truly uplift you.

Coping with the Loss of Family Ties

Choosing to go no-contact can still bring about feelings of sadness or regret. You might find yourself experiencing moments of grief, particularly on occasions like Father’s Day or when you see others celebrating their loving relationships with their fathers. It's perfectly normal to feel a mix of relief and sorrow. It's okay to long for the father you never had or to grieve the relationship that never materialised.

This is a form of loss, and, like any loss, it requires time to process. You're not just severing ties with someone; you're also letting go of the hope that things could have turned out differently. But in doing so, you’re also freeing yourself from the harm that came with holding onto that hope or fear for too long.

Moving Forward

Cutting ties with a toxic parent is a deeply personal decision and one that should be made after a lot of consideration. But once you’ve made that decision, you are taking a powerful step toward reclaiming your life. You’re creating space for other, hopefully healthier relationships, space for inner peace, and a future that isn’t weighed down by the trauma of your past.

And if you ever feel doubt or guilt, remember that you are entitled to a life that is free from fear, manipulation, and suffering. Ending these ties doesn’t reflect poorly on you or indicate a lack of care; rather, it shows that you value yourself enough to escape a harmful relationship and pursue the peace you rightfully deserve.

The Power of Therapy and Healing

Therapy was an essential part of my healing process. It allowed me to unpack the trauma I had been carrying for so long, to articulate the pain and to acknowledge the damage my father had caused. During those therapy sessions, I came to understand just how much control he still had over my life, even if he wasn’t there physically. By facing those emotions, I slowly began to free myself from his grip.

It wasn’t easy. Healing never is. But little by little, I processed the physical and emotional abuse I had endured. Therapy helped me understand that none of it was my fault. I wasn’t to blame for his actions, and I deserved better than the life I had growing up.

The process was long and painful, but the outcome was life-changing. I was no longer haunted by his memory, no longer defined by the fear shadowed me for so long. I took back my power, rediscovered my identity and found my peace.

The Sadness That Remains

Even though I’ve healed from the trauma, Father’s Day still brings a sense of sadness. I see my friends who have loving relationships with their dads, and it reminds me of what I never had. It’s hard not to feel envious or left out.

But there’s also something beautiful in the contrast. When I look at my children, I see them with their father — a man who is loving, kind, and, most importantly, safe. That word, safe, holds so much meaning for me now. It’s something I never had and something I cherish for my kids. People who grew up in healthy environments often take safety for granted, but for those of us who didn’t have it, we know just how vital it is.

Safety in a relationship with a parent is the foundation for everything else. Without it, love is twisted into something painful. It’s only when you’ve lived without safety that you can truly understand how deep the wounds run.

Finding Strength in Yourself

If you struggle with Father’s Day like I do, I want to acknowledge the strength it takes just to get through this day. It’s not easy. Whether you’ve gone no-contact with your father or are still navigating a difficult relationship, do what you need to do to protect yourself. That takes immense courage.

On this Father’s Day, instead of focusing on what’s missing, try to shift your perspective. Recognise the incredible strength it took to survive your childhood. Acknowledge the resilience you’ve built over the years. You’re not defined by your father’s abuse or neglect. You are defined by the life you’ve created in spite of it.

Every step you’ve taken toward healing is a victory. Every boundary you’ve set, every tear you’ve shed, every piece of yourself that you’ve reclaimed — these are all signs of your strength. Father’s Day doesn’t have to be a day of sadness. It can be a day of reflection and empowerment, a reminder that you’ve come so far and are still moving forward.

Building a Life Free from the Past

If you’re ready to share your story, I encourage you to reach out to someone who can support you. Talking about your experiences can be a powerful step toward healing. Whether it’s a friend, a therapist, or an online community, there are people who understand what you’re going through.

You don’t have to carry this burden alone. And remember, you’ve already done the hardest part. You survived. You’re here, and you’re building a life that’s free from the shadows of your past. That’s something to be proud of.

You Are Not Alone

Father’s Day is hard for many of us, but you are not alone in your feelings. Countless others share your pain, your grief, and your strength. You’ve got this. And even on the hardest days, remember that you’re stronger than you think.

It’s okay to grieve what you didn’t have, and it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions on this day. But also remember to celebrate how far you’ve come. You’ve overcome so much, and you deserve to give yourself credit for that. Stay strong, keep healing, and know that there’s a brighter future ahead — one that you’re creating for yourself, free from the hurt of the past.

If you need support or just someone to talk to, reach out. Sharing your story can be a powerful way to continue healing, and you never know how many others you may inspire by doing so.

If you think you are affected by this issue and would like to talk to me about please do not hesitate to contact me here.