The Biggest Lies We Tell Ourselves in Relationships

Relationships can bring so much joy and fulfilment, but let’s be honest—they can also be difficult, messy, and downright confusing at times. Sometimes, we all end up telling lying to ourselves to avoid facing hard truths. But these lies can really get in the way of forming genuine and healthy relationships, whether it's with ourselves or with other people.

Let's talk about some of the biggest lies people often believe about relationships and why it's time to stop fooling ourselves.

"I Can Help Them Change"

This is a big one. Maybe you've been there, thinking, "If I just love them enough or show them how much they need to change, things will be better." It’s not unusual to want your partner to change for the better, especially if you see potential in them. But here's the truth: you can’t force someone to change.

Sure, you can offer support, encouragement, and even gentle nudges, but change has to come from within them. If they're not actively trying to improve—showing this through actions, not just words—it's unlikely they will. So, if you find yourself waiting for them to finally do the work, ask yourself how long you're willing to wait. And remember: their personal growth is not your responsibility.

"I Am the Problem, and If I Change, Things Will Get Better"

This one's tough, because sometimes, we want to take on the entire burden of making a relationship work. We think, "If I just change, if I become what they want me to be, everything will be fine." But here's the harsh reality: if you're changing who you are for someone else, you're betraying yourself.

Trying to mold yourself into something you're not will only lead to disappointment. Your partner will sense your inauthenticity, and you'll feel drained from pretending. In the end, both of you will lose.

Yes, relationships involve compromise, but not at the cost of your identity. Focus on personal growth for yourself, not to fix a partner’s behaviour. And if they don’t appreciate the real you, it may be time to rethink whether this relationship is truly fulfilling for the both of you.

"If They Changed, Everything Would Be Perfect"

How often do we think, "If they just stopped doing this one thing, our relationship would be perfect." Maybe it’s their bad habit of leaving dishes everywhere, or maybe it's something deeper, like emotional unavailability. It's natural to believe that if your partner changed, your problems would disappear. But here's a reality check: their change won't magically fix everything.

In any relationship, the only person you have control over is yourself. Sure, you can hope they’ll improve or make different choices, but banking on that as your solution can set you up for disappointment. You either need to accept them as they are or decide what you're willing to tolerate. Real change takes effort—and if your partner isn’t meeting you halfway, you might be fighting an uphill battle.

"If I Ignore It, It’ll Fix Itself"

Raise your hand if you’ve ever swept a problem under the rug, hoping it would vanish on its own. 🙋‍♀️ Many of us have done this in relationships, thinking that if we don't bring up an issue, it’ll magically resolve. But we know deep down that ignoring problems almost never works.

Healthy relationships require effort, and addressing issues head-on is part of that effort. Whether it's making time for intimacy, having uncomfortable conversations, or even seeking couples therapy, doing something about the problem is key. Pretending it’s not there will only make things worse in the long run.

"I’m Not Good Enough for Them"

This is a tricky lie because it often stems from our own insecurities. Have you ever thought, "If I were more attractive/successful/funny/whatever, they'd love me more?" It's easy to fall into the trap of believing you’re not enough, but that’s not the truth.

If you’re constantly feeling like you're inadequate, it’s time to step back and reflect. Why do you feel this way? Where is this belief coming from? Often, it’s linked to past experiences or deeply ingrained feelings of self-worth. Talking to a therapist can help you untangle those emotions. Remember, you are worthy of love and respect just as you are.

"I’m Fine, It’s Fine"

Ah, the classic "I'm fine". We've all said it, even when we’re not fine. Whether it’s to avoid conflict, hide our true feelings, or because we’re just not ready to face the truth, it’s tempting to push down our emotions.

But denying your feelings won’t help. It's important to get in touch with your emotions, whether through journaling, meditation, or just being honest with yourself and your partner. If you keep telling yourself "I’m fine" when you’re not, you’re bottling up emotions that need to be addressed.

"I Deserve This"

No one deserves to be treated disrespectfully or abusively. If you're in a relationship where you're being mistreated, it’s essential to recognise that you do not deserve that. Emotional or physical abuse is never okay, and it’s not something you should accept.

It can be difficult to see this clearly, especially if you've been in the relationship for a long time or if you’re afraid of what might happen if you leave. But reaching out to trustworthy friends, family, or a therapist can help you see things from a different perspective. You are worthy of a loving, healthy relationship, and you don’t have to settle for anything less.

"They Love Me, So It Must Be Enough"

Words are easy. Anyone can say, "I love you," but what do their actions say? Love is more than just words; it’s a commitment to showing care, respect, and support in your everyday actions.

If your partner says they love you but constantly ignores your needs or disrespects you, it's time to evaluate if that love is being shown in a healthy way. Actions speak louder than words, and a relationship built only on empty promises will eventually crumble.

"Having a Baby Will Solve Our Problems"

It’s heart breaking, but a baby can’t fix a troubled relationship. In fact, bringing a child into a tense environment can amplify existing issues. Babies require attention, patience, and teamwork—and if you're already struggling to connect with your partner, it could push you both further apart.

Before deciding to have a child, make sure your relationship is solid. A baby won’t fix emotional distance or unresolved conflicts and adding that stress into the mix can make things even harder.

Final Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Relationship Lies

We all tell ourselves lies to avoid facing uncomfortable truths, especially in relationships. But staying in a relationship based on these lies can prevent you from finding the happiness and fulfilment you truly deserve.

At the end of the day, it's about being honest with yourself—no matter how hard it is. Acknowledge the lies you might be telling yourself and take steps toward healthier, more authentic relationships. You deserve to feel respected, loved, and supported. And if a relationship isn't giving you that, it might be time to reconsider.

FAQ Section

How can I start being more honest with myself in my relationship?

Start by paying attention to how you feel. Are there recurring issues that make you uncomfortable, but you push them aside? Journaling or talking to a trusted friend or therapist can help you sort out your thoughts and emotions. It’s important to confront any doubts you’ve been avoiding and take small steps to be honest with yourself.

Can relationship lies damage a realtionship?
Yes, these lies can prevent healthy communication, lead to emotional distance, and even cause long-term harm if the issues aren’t addressed.

How do I know if I’m lying to myself in my relationship?
If you find yourself constantly justifying your partner’s actions or feeling unhappy but unsure why, you may be lying to yourself. Self-reflection and, in some cases, therapy can help uncover these patterns.

Enjoy this Relationship Satisfaction Test!

This test aims to reflect your current feelings about the health of your relationship. I hope it will help you gain some insights into your relationship.

If you want to connect with me, you can call me on 0452 285 526 or email me here: kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au