Signs of Change in Abusive Relationships
Recovery from domestic abuse is often a long and harrowing process. When abusers seek counselling or promise to improve, you hope that they will change. But how can you tell if their promises are genuine or merely manipulative tactics that are aimed at keeping you in the relationship? To help you make an informed decision, this article will explore ways in which you can tell if your partner's promises of change are sincere or not.
The Never-Ending Cycle
In your relationship, do you sometimes feel that there is an underlying tension that grows over time? This may be accompanied by your partner becoming more irritable and impatient, with their temper causing angry outbursts that increase in frequency and intensity. You may find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid triggering these outbursts. Eventually, there may be an "incident," which could take many forms such as a heated argument, throwing objects, shouting, breaking things, pushing you or shoving, or even physical or sexual violence. After the incident, there may be a temporary period of easing tension. In a new relationship, this period may last longer, while in an established relationship, it might only last a few days.
Then, the tension starts to build up again, and the cycle repeats itself. This cycle is often referred to as the "honeymoon period" where your partner may shower you with gifts, say they love you, and blame their behaviour on stress or financial issues. In an established relationship, your partner might ignore you or disappear for a while.
If you are in a relationship where you find yourself repeatedly experiencing this kind of cycle, it's important to recognise that you may be in an abusive relationship. Recognising this pattern is a signal that your partner's behaviour is not changing, and the cycle will likely continue with the respite periods becoming shorter and shorter.
If your partner promises to change, the key question to ask yourself is whether they are putting in real effort to break the cycle and are willing to attend counselling or a support group. Think about their behaviour and how it affects you. It's important to acknowledge the patterns in your relationship, which can be painful but also empowering.
Meaningless Apologies
Does your partner apologise to you without truly acknowledging the extent of the harm they caused? Well, I want to tell you that these kinds of apologies are common, they are usually superficial and lack any understanding of the pain and trauma they caused. This lack of awareness is a real red flag. Change requires an acknowledgment of wrongdoing and its impact on the other person.
Can your partner see the impact their actions have on those around them? It is a fundamental step in the process of change. It not only shows that they understand the consequences of their actions but also their willingness to face and tackle these issues head-on. Without this acknowledgement, apologies only serve as tools of manipulation aimed at temporarily placating you, without promising actual change.
And another thing, an apology followed by justifying the abusive behaviour or shifting the blame onto you shows a lack of willingness to change. It demonstrates that they are not prepared to take responsibility for their actions. Again, there is no accountability.
If they are unable to offer you a genuine apology, one in which they acknowledge their responsibility and accept that their actions caused you pain, it is a clear sign that they are not sincere in their desire to change their behaviour and the way they treat you.
Please, if you recognise this cycle in your life, don’t treat any incidents as isolated incidents but as part of a larger pattern. Recognising this is an important step in assessing your situation and considering the necessary steps for your safety and well-being.
Empty Promises and Love-Bombing
A subtle but definitive sign that their behaviour is not changing is when their promises of change are conditional or if they are wrapped up in excessive displays of affection (love-bombing). Don’t fall for this. Although initially, this might appear to be a genuine effort to change, often it is no more than a manipulation tactic.
When you hear "I can't change unless you do," what he is saying is that for him not to mistreat you, you are expected to stop standing up for yourself. When they say, "I've changed, but you haven't" or "I'm not the only one who needs help," they are trying to shift the blame onto you. They won't admit they were wrong. They don't seem to regret what they did either.
They might refuse to bring up the subject of their abusive behaviour or become furious when you do. They don't like to talk about their dominant attitude. They might deny, downplay, excuse, or justify it. They might tell you to get over it. What they are telling you is that they won’t change.
What you might be familiar with, especially in a new relationship, is that they might become exceedingly charming, they might remind you of the good times you had together, or they might just ignore the bad stuff that happened. They might buy you romantic gifts, invite you to dinners, or bring you flowers.
This love-bombing serves a function, which is to confuse you and ensure your complacency. By showering you with excessive affection, gifts, or attention after an abusive episode, they create such a chaotic emotional state that it becomes difficult for you to reconcile the person who loves you so much with the person who harms you. In the end, there is no real change, only a tactic used to ensure that you remain emotionally connected to them.
Isolation Tactics
Do you feel a sense of aloneness? Was it always like that for you, or did it start as your relationship progressed? Isolation is a powerful tool for abusers, it is used deliberately to sever your connection to the outside world, to discourage or completely bar you from interacting with close friends and family, and from participating in social activities. If you have noticed this in your relationship, in particular, if this behaviour has been escalating, it is a sign that your partner’s attitude has not changed.
By isolating you, they limit your support network, making it harder for you to seek help or even recognise the extent of abuse. This strategy not only traps you in the relationship but also increases your dependence on them, increasing your feelings of helplessness and isolation.
Over time, these tactics will obliterate your independence, your self-esteem and disempower you.
Weaponising Children and Financial Control
Abusive partners can manipulate both children and financial resources to maintain control. This particular strategy is extremely disturbing because it involves the most important parts of your life: your children and your financial security. Using children as intermediaries or making threats to limit your access to them are tactics designed to undermine you and exert control over you. These actions not only demonstrate a lack of concern for the well-being of the children, but they also serve as a power tool of coercive control, which keeps you tied to the abuser out of fear and worry for the future of the children.
In a similar vein, economic manipulation takes place when the abuser makes you reliant on them by limiting your access to bank accounts, withholding funds, or obstructing job prospects. This reliance is deliberate and serves to diminish your capacity to assert your independence or contemplate leaving the relationship.
Exploiting children or your access to financial resources is a form of control mechanism that highlights your partner’s reluctance to let go of their manipulative behaviour. The persistent use of power to manipulate and control demonstrates their stubborn resistance to admitting the harm done to you and your family. It's important to recognise these tactics as signs of ongoing abuse in order to develop measures that will safeguard your and your children's welfare and financial stability.
Lack of respect
Disregarding personal boundaries is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. A person who continually violates your boundaries shows a lack of respect for you as a person. They can demonstrate this disrespect in many ways, like unwarranted physical contact, searching through your things without your permission, and dismissing your needs. It's not just invasive; it undermines your self-confidence and reinforces dominance dynamics.
Refusing to acknowledge or respect your boundaries shows that you are not recognised as a human being with rights and needs. When it forms a pattern, this behaviour is based on their need to maintain power and control and goes against the values of fairness and respect that are at the heart of a good relationship. It is a stark reminder that your partner is prioritising their own wants and needs at the expense of your dignity and freedom.
This consistent disregard for your boundaries is no small oversight. The impact of this behaviour goes beyond the immediate emotional and psychological pain it causes. It has a huge impact on your ability to trust, not only in your current relationship but also in future relationships.
Disrespect, or even contempt, in a relationship, is often a symptom of deeper problems, such as a lack of empathy, a lack of entitlement, or abuse. A person can change, but it requires a significant amount of self-reflection, dedication, and effort, which your partner may not be willing or able to do.
If your partner consistently disrespects you and your boundaries, it may be time to consider whether this relationship is healthy and fulfilling for you. Remember that you have the right to be treated with respect and kindness and that you have the right to set boundaries and prioritise your own well-being.
Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse
Gaslighting and emotional abuse are insidious tactics aimed at undermining your sense of reality and self-confidence. This type of psychological manipulation is especially harmful because it can undermine your self-confidence and leave you feeling disoriented and alone.
A partner who denies their hurtful behaviour, accuses you of being too sensitive or misremembering or completely ignores your feelings and experiences not only invalidates your feelings but also makes you question your perceptions and judgments. It is a form of emotional abuse that can also include derogatory comments, threats, and insults.
These tactics can be sophisticated and difficult to detect and counter. Your partner might try to get sympathy from you or your friends and family but you know how they are still lying to you. They won't admit any wrongdoing and they don't even seem to regret what they did, they just seem to be sorry that they suffered any consequences. They just insist that you get over it. Or they might play the victim and, say: "How could you do this to me?'' and still blame you for all their problems. They might also try to convince you that you need to be together to solve the problem.
If your partner continues to behave this way, it is an indication that it is unlikely that your partner will change without serious effort and intervention. Gaslighting is often a symptom of an underlying personality disorder or pattern of abusive behaviour, which can be difficult to change without professional help.
Even if your partner asks for help, change can be a long and difficult process. You have the right to be treated with respect and honesty in your relationship and prioritise your safety and happiness.
Refusal to Get Professional Help
A key indicator that you are in an ongoing abusive relationship is your partner’s reluctance or outright refusal to seek professional help. An actual change in an abusive relationship often requires the intervention of professional counselling services that provide a basis for your partner’s understanding of their behaviour. Refusing to participate in such therapeutic interventions shows a strong unwillingness to address their deep-seated issues, which are at the root of the abusive behaviour. The path to change goes hand in hand with responsibility and acceptance for one's actions and requires a dedicated and continuous commitment to self-improvement.
At home, they might try to convince you that you need to solve the problem together (by the way, couples therapy is not advisable in abusive relationships). They might say that they will get help but they never manage to do it. Or they will try to convince you that they are healed, and you must take them back. You might hear things like: "I'm in this program and you need to understand me more’'. If they pressure you in this way, they are more likely to drop out of the program once you take them back.
That's why, when considering bringing them back, it's so important to observe their behaviour, try to have some in-depth conversations, watch their behaviours, and give it time.
Reluctance to ask for assistance creates a barrier to the healing and recovery process, not only for the abuser but for the relationship as a whole. This shows that the underlying dynamics of control and coercion remain unchallenged, perpetuating the cycle of suffering. You should recognise this reluctance as a warning sign that they are unwilling to change. You may need to make a difficult decision about the future of the relationship.
You left. What’s different?
Other signs that they are not going to change their behaviour may include attempts to sabotage your efforts to make it on your own. They might harass or stalk you. Even if you ask them for space, they will continue to contact you in every possible way, phone you, harass you at work or at school drop off, they will threaten you, maybe even with legal complaints, and show up at family functions. They will deny a fair share of the marital assets and money. They will prioritise their own wants and needs, of course. They will not acknowledge the damage they have caused. They will be angry with you because you left. They will pretend to be confused about why you are afraid of them or don't trust them. They will try to convince you that there is something wrong with you and act as if they are above reproach. They will claim they will never hurt you. They will be angry that you left.
What they are showing you is that they have not changed but they might say that they can only change if you help them, that they need your support and forgiveness, and that they want another chance.
They might believe that their “remorse” has resolved the issue and that it's time to move on. They might urge you to take them back because they "can't wait forever." An easy way to tell if they haven't changed is if they continue to be rude to you or put you down, try to blackmail or intimidate you or threaten suicide. All of this indicates that they have no intention of changing their behaviour.
If you find yourself trapped in the clutches of an emotionally abusive partner, it is natural to wonder if change is possible. Change is hard work and requires a lot of self-reflection. It is important to remember that each situation is unique but also that change takes time. A lot of time. Maybe in time, you can rebuild the relationship but for now, it is crucial to prioritise your safety, well-being, and happiness above all else. If you find yourself in immediate danger or unable to effect change in your relationship, please contact a helpline. If you need space to talk about your experience, please get in touch with me, you can contact me here. You deserve better.
Reading list:
The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics by Lundy Bancroft and Jay G. Silverman. While this book primarily focuses on the impact of domestic violence on children, it also discusses the possibility of change in abusers and the steps they must take to break the cycle of abuse.
Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi. This book offers guidance for victims of domestic abuse on whether or not their abuser is capable of change and provides strategies for staying safe and making informed decisions.
