The Dark Side of Obsession: Understanding Real-Life Stalking
Did you know that one in six women and one in nineteen men in Australia have been stalked at some point in their lifetime? Behind each of those statistics are thousands of people whose sense of safety has been ruined by someone who won't take no for an answer.
Imagine a bouquet left on your doorstep or a surprise visit at your workplace. Dozens of text messages expressing undying love. In romantic comedies, these grand gestures signal devotion. The determined admirer eventually succeeds in winning over their reluctant love interest because they simply "didn't give up." But in real life, these actions can be the beginning of a terrible cycle that keeps victims in an ongoing cycle of fear and anxiety.
Stalking is not about passion. It's about control. Most victims know their stalker, who is often an ex-partner, which makes the experience even more traumatising. The person who claimed to love you now becomes someone who follows your every step, invades your privacy, and erodes your sense of safety.
Think about how media shapes our perception of persistence. In Twilight, Edward watching Bella sleep is framed as protective devotion. In You, Joe's obsessive stalking is seen as some sort of twisted romanticism. Such narratives dangerously blur the line between love and abusive behaviour, making it harder to recognise the warning signs.
I hope that this article will help you to see stalking for what it is. Because contrary to what movies might suggest, real love respects "no" the first time.
What seems like a sweet gesture can often be a sign of something more sinister. Stalking isn't about love - it's about control.
What Stalking Feels Like
For Anna, each flower delivery at her workplace triggered a wave of nausea. Her co-workers thought he was being romantic but to her, his gesture was menacing. Each bouquet was a message from her ex: "I can find you anywhere, at any time." Even after she told him to leave her alone, he continued to invade her space. She became anxious, always checking over her shoulders to see if he was lurking in the alleyway or around the corner. She couldn’t sleep or relax.
"The flowers were not tokens of love", Anna told me. "They were constant reminders that he knew where I worked, who my friends were, and that my 'no' meant nothing to him. Other people would say I was so lucky to have someone who loved me so much.
Emma's nightmare unfolded more subtly, disguised as coincidences. First, she spotted her ex at her local shop looking at her. When she asked him what he was doing there, he swore it was a chance meeting. Later, she spotted him at her gym, although he was never interested in working out when they were together. The situation escalated when he began lurking outside her home every night, insisting he just wanted to "talk things over".
"I began to question myself." Emma recalls "Was this normal behaviour after a breakup? Eventually I noticed how much my life changed. I started planning my day around avoiding him, I was driving to work the long way, I went shopping at a different shop, I was looking under my car before I got in. Simple things like walking to my car became frightening.
The worst thing about stalking is the way it turns everyday life into a terrifying experience. Victims are in a hyperarousal state, constantly scanning for danger, planning how to escape if they see their stalker. This ongoing stress impacts every area of life: sleep, work, relationships, and mental well-being.
Victims can also experience things like flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks. Some people relocate, quit their jobs, or withdraw from social life in a last-ditch attempt to avoid their stalker. The psychological damage can last long after the stalking stopped. Many people will have difficulty trusting others and forming new relationships.
Warning Signs: How to Recognise Stalking Behaviour
Stalking doesn’t usually start with overt threats. Rather, it usually begins with things that might appear harmless or even nice. But if they continue, despite you asking for them to stop, they might become troubling.
At first, you might receive lots of texts and calls that are too much for you, but not threatening. They might show up at your favourite coffee shop, gym, or restaurant. They might bring unwanted gifts or offer to help you, saying they just want to do something nice for you. When you try to set boundaries, they find ways around them, always ready with excuses like, "I was in the neighbourhood," "I thought you might need some help," or "I was worried about you."
As time goes on, these behaviours get worse. They will contact you more frequently. Accidental encounters seem less accidental. You notice that they watch your social media more closely than you feel comfortable with, commenting on your posts right after you publish them. They might contact your friends to find out some info about you, or appear at your workplace for no reason.
Emma talked about her experience in our counselling session. The random sightings of her ex at her supermarket evolved into him waiting outside her building every night. When she didn’t acknowledge him, his behaviour got worse. He began sending emails from different addresses when she blocked his number. He left notes on her car. He created fake social media accounts to view her profiles after she blocked him on every platform.
Stalking often starts out slowly and gets worse over time. The stalker will test your boundaries, then cross them, finally ignore them entirely. As the stalker tests how far they can go, they will become bolder, often explaining their behaviour to others as misunderstandings.
Perhaps the most damaging aspects of stalking is that it makes victims doubt their own reality. Many stalkers will appear calm and caring to everyone else, but they will terrorise and intimidate their victims. When victims try to describe their fear to others, it is often discounted with comments like: "He's just being kind," or "You're paranoid." This adds another layer of emotional damage, leaving victims alone in their fear.
Additionally, stalking can escalate to physical violence, especially if the stalker is a former intimate partner. What starts as unwanted contact may evolve into threats, property damage, and even physical attacks. While not every occurrence turns into violence, it happens often enough that all stalking should be taken seriously.
Types of Stalkers: Identifying Different Motives
Recognising the various types of stalking behaviour can help you understand your situation and evaluate the potential risks. Though every situation is different, there might be some patterns you can identify.
The Ex-Partner Stalker struggles to accept a breakup and sees their ongoing pursuit as devotion, not harassment. They usually feel that if they try hard enough, they can win back their ex. Their actions usually involve repetitive messaging, tracking the victim's whereabouts, and trying to insert themselves into the victim's life. This is the most common type of stalking and the most likely to escalate to violence, especially if the stalker discovers that the victim has moved on.
The Revenge Stalker feels they have been mistreated and needs to punish their victim for some wrongdoing. Unlike the ex-partner stalker who wishes to reunite, the revenge stalker desires his victim to hurt. Their behaviour may include spreading lies, destroying property, or threatening. They are driven by anger, which makes them unpredictable and dangerous.
Cyberstalkers use technology to harass and intimidate their victims both online and offline. They can hack into accounts, create fake profiles to monitor social media, or use spyware to track communication. The anonymity of technology can also incite these stalkers, going from harassing messages to outright threats in a very short time. This digital access allows them to enter their victim's life at any moment and from any location.
Sarah told me this about her experience after briefly dating someone she met online: "He knew everything about me; where I'd been and who I'd talked to. Even after I changed my passwords, he could still get into my accounts. I later found out that he had put spying software on my phone when we were together”.
The Awkward Admirer misreads social signs and boundaries and reads rejection as a test, not a “No”. They feel that they have some special bond with their target. They will act like they are devoted fans, sending gifts and love letters and refusing to take obvious cues to stop. Though their actions start out as only bothersome, their refusal to accept reality becomes dangerous and unstable when their delusions are faced with rejection.
There are other types of stalkers, including the Stranger Stalker, who stalks complete strangers; the Celebrity Stalker, who stalks celebrities; and the Workplace Stalker, who turns professional relationships into unhealthy obsessions. Each type poses various dangers but disregards the wish of their victims to set boundaries.
What makes stalking particularly insidious is how it exploits social norms around persistence and romance. Many stalkers genuinely believe their behaviour is justified, even admirable, because they've internalised harmful narratives about "fighting for love" or "never giving up." This self-justification makes them resistant to reason and more likely to escalate when faced with continued rejection.
Stalking is particularly harmful because it exploits the social beliefs of perseverance and love. Stalkers usually believe that what they are doing is acceptable because they are "fighting for love" or "never letting go." This attitude makes them less open to reason and more inclined to retaliate if rejected.
Dangerous Myths: What We Get Wrong About Stalking
Stalking continues to be a problem partly due to common misunderstandings that downplay its seriousness and place blame on the victims. These false beliefs not only spread misinformation but also harm victims by making them hesitant to seek help and undermining their experiences.
One of the most harmful myths is that stalking is a sign of affection or devotion. Friends might say, "He's just showing how much he loves you," or "She must really care to go to all that trouble." This view completely misinterprets stalking; it is not love, but a behaviour aimed at controlling, intimidating, and isolating someone. Love respects boundaries; stalking systematically violates them.
Jessica, who was stalked by an ex-colleague, told me: "People would tell me I should be flattered by the attention, that some women would love to have a man so interested in them. They didn't understand that every text message, every 'accidental' encounter left me terrified of what might come next.”
There's nothing flattering about someone refusing to hear your 'NO’
One harmful myth is that victims are to blame for their stalker's actions, suggesting they "led them on" or "didn't set clear boundaries." This ignores the fact that most victims have clearly rejected their stalkers multiple times. The issue lies not in unclear communication but in the stalker's unwillingness to accept rejection.
Another misconception is that stalking only occurs in person, which dismisses the serious issue of cyberstalking. This form of stalking can be just as traumatic and often harder to escape. It creates a feeling of being unsafe everywhere, including at home and in private online spaces. The mental toll can be severe, yet many still see online harassment as less serious than physical stalking.
Perhaps the most dangerous myth is that stalking is just annoying and not a real threat. Statistics show otherwise: stalking often leads to physical violence, especially with former partners. Many domestic homicides are preceded by stalking, making early intervention crucial for safety.
Society often glorifies the idea of chasing after someone, which makes it hard for victims to see warning signs and for communities to provide the right help. When films and music praise actions that are actually stalking in real life, they create a culture where harassment seems normal, and victims' concerns are ignored.
How to Protect Yourself
If you're experiencing stalking, please remember that you're not alone. There are steps you can take to increase your safety and take back control of your life.
First and foremost, document everything. Keep detailed records of all incidents: texts, emails, social media contacts, unexpected encounters, gifts, property damage - anything that forms part of the pattern. Note dates, times, locations, and any witnesses present. Save screenshots of messages before deleting them and photograph any unwanted gifts or property damage. This documentation serves two crucial purposes: it helps establish the pattern of behaviour necessary for legal intervention, and it provides objective evidence when you begin to doubt your own perceptions.
Building a support network is equally important. Tell trusted friends, family members, and colleagues about your situation. Be specific about who is stalking you and what behaviours they've exhibited. Ask your support people to document any contact the stalker makes with them about you. Having witnesses who can corroborate your experience not only strengthens any legal case but provides emotional validation during a time when many victims begin to question their own reality.
When it comes to digital safety, just blocking your stalker on every platform may not be the best option. Surprisingly, blocking can sometimes make things worse, as the stalker might look for other ways to reach you. Instead, think about setting up a "controlled channel." This means having one monitored way for the stalker to contact you, which limits their access while keeping your personal information safe and not interrupting your daily life.
"I set up an email address just for my ex," explains Mila "I told him I would check it once a week, and he could send messages there but nowhere else. This gave him an outlet that felt like contact to him, while giving me control over when and how I engaged. If he violated the boundary by contacting me elsewhere, I wouldn't check the special email for a month. It wasn't perfect, but it reduced the unexpected contacts that were causing me so much anxiety."
To protect your digital life, go beyond just using a controlled channel. Start by checking the privacy settings on all your social media accounts. Use strong, unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication. Look for any tracking apps or spyware on your devices, and ask friends not to tag your location or share details about where you are online.
It's also important to create a practical safety plan. Identify safe places to go in an emergency, change your routines to be less predictable, and keep someone updated about your movements. Have emergency contacts ready and prepare essential items in case you need to leave your home quickly. Think through different scenarios ahead of time so you can make decisions calmly, rather than in a panic.
Consider seeking legal protection through an intervention order, restraining order, or protection order (terminology varies by jurisdiction). These create legal boundaries that make violations criminal offenses. Not every stalker will be stopped by legal actions, but having these protections can provide more ways to intervene if the behaviour persists or worsens.
It's also important to contact specialised stalking support services. These organisations know the unique difficulties of stalking and can provide emotional support, practical guidance, and help navigate legal matters. They can also link you to other survivors who might understand your experience.
Trust your instincts during this time. Victims often report knowing on some level that their situation was dangerous before they had hard evidence. That intuitive sense of threat is an evolutionary survival mechanism worth heeding. If something feels wrong, take it seriously.
Resources: Where to Find Help
If you're facing stalking, there is support available across Australia. These resources can offer help and offer practical guidance:
1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) provides 24/7 support for issues related to sexual assault and domestic violence. They are knowledgeable about stalking and can help you create personalised safety plans based on your unique situation.
Lifeline (13 11 14) offers crisis support and suicide prevention help. If you're feeling overwhelmed, contacting Lifeline can give you quick emotional support and help you find more specialised services.
If you are in immediate danger, call the Police at 000. For non-emergency help, reach out to 131 444 to report stalking and have an official record of the incidents.
Many legal aid offices provide free consultations for individuals facing stalking, helping you explore your legal protection options. University law clinics may also offer similar assistance to community members, not just students.
Online tools like the SmartSafe app, created by the Safe and Equal organisation, let you securely record stalking incidents and keep evidence safe for possible legal use.
Remember: Your safety, dignity, and peace of mind are important. Seeking help is the first step to taking back your life and escaping fear. Stalking often flourishes in isolation. Reaching out to support services can break that isolation and lead to safety and healing.
This blog post was last updated in March 2025. For the most current information on stalking laws and resources, please consult legal professionals or support services directly.
If you or someone you know is experiencing stalking, don’t face it alone.
I am here to help. You can contact me at:
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526
